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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in keeping pregnancy secret

40 replies

JasonDonnervan · 28/10/2016 14:00

After 3 MMC's in the last 12 months, DH and I have had the usual NHS tests and had decided to have a break from TTC until the New Year (we're old so can't leave it much longer).

So what do you know....6ish weeks after a D and C I've just had a big fat BFP which has knocked me sideways in shock.

AIBU in not wanting to tell anyone? We've got a toddler so easy for me to explain away looking pale and tired if/when symptoms start. I can't bear another round of "well at least you can get pregnant", because it really doesn't help and what I'd love to say in reply is there's not much frigging point without a live baby at the end is there. And breathe.

I should also say I haven't told my DH yet either and I've known for 24 hours.

OP posts:
CobhamBound · 28/10/2016 14:02

Not unreasonable not to tell others. I would tell dh for sure though.

Good luck Flowers

lilydaisyrose · 28/10/2016 14:02

I didn't tell my DH for a week (he was away from home) and no-one else til 20w+. I really needed that time.

Do you usually tell people straight away?

Barefootcontessa84 · 28/10/2016 14:02

You should definitely tell your DH but there is no reason whatsoever
to tell anyone else unless you want to! Even straightforward pregnancies tend to be kept underwraps for 12 weeks, but it's a matter of personal choice. A friend of mine didn't tell anyone till 20 weeks (previous mc), and another waited until she couldn't get away with it any longer. There are no rules dictating what you should/shouldn't do. Good luck Flowers

FlipperSkipper · 28/10/2016 14:03

Not unreasonable at all. I'm pregnant after two miscarriages, we told close friends and parents at 13 weeks, extended family at 20 weeks. I hope things work out for you.

UpsyDaisy214 · 28/10/2016 14:07

After a loss at 24 weeks we didn't tell anyone with our next pregnancy till after 24 weeks . Would do the same if we were to have another . Congratulations

Original poster
JasonDonnervan · 28/10/2016 14:13

We usually only tell parents and siblings. I told my best friend last time because we had a night out (as I'd usually be face planting gin she'd know!)

I'm not on FB, not that I'd put anything like that on there anyway, but particularly don't want work to know. I've already been sidelined since returning from mat leave and don't want to make it worse.

Thank you for your kind messages.

OP posts:
insan1tyscartching · 28/10/2016 14:15

No YANBU for my last pregnancy I'd known a few weeks before telling dh (it was a huge shock and I was in denial), I didn't tell my children and relatives until I was 28 weeks and I only told then because I had a bump starting to show. The first time someone asked me if I was expecting was the day after my due date and I did get asked quite often "whose baby" in the first weeks though.

Original poster
JasonDonnervan · 28/10/2016 14:34

I couldn't wait for DH to get home so sent a photo of my positive test. I think I heard his jaw hit the floor from 40 miles away. He phoned and is as shocked as me, it's a shame neither of us are excited but after 3 miscarriages in a row we're both battle scarred and it does takes the shine off. I will be positive!

Thanks again mumsnetters, it feels good getting it off my chest.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 28/10/2016 14:35

YANBU. There is no need for anyone but your Dh to know.
Keeping fingers crossed for you.

stuckinny · 28/10/2016 14:41

Definitely NBU. I didn't tell anyone until 16 weeks with first DC and if it happens again it will be at least that time before I let anyone know.
Congratulations

NerrSnerr · 28/10/2016 14:46

Congratulations op. I am 15 weeks and have only told some people. We will tell everyone else after the 20 week scan.

HappinessLivesHere · 28/10/2016 16:04

Congratulations op! Best of luck and only tell people when you're ready. Can I ask what BFP means?

Nurszilla · 28/10/2016 16:48

I told everyone by 6 weeks because I was naive and excited (fortunately that pregnancy ended in DD). Fell pregnant a few weeks back which unfortunately ended in MC but hadn't told anyone this time round.

My cousin didn't tell anyone apart from her immediately family until 20+ weeks due to a previous ectopic pregnancy.

There's no right or wrong way of doing things, and I can kind of understand why you haven't told your partner yet (I didn't want to tell DH about the recent pregnancy as I felt something wasn't right and wanted to spare him the pain, but I did as I felt it was unfair not to) but I think you should really.

Nurszilla · 28/10/2016 16:48

Oh and congratulations! Flowers

Heatherjayne1972 · 28/10/2016 17:04

I know someone who kept it quiet until she was in labour !
And I also know someone who told everyone the day she got a positive pregnancy test- it's all good as long as the partner knows everyone else can wait
Good luck

mum2Bomg · 28/10/2016 17:08

YANBU tell people whenever you feel comfortable X

Marshmallow92 · 28/10/2016 17:54

Only my partner and parents knew before 12 weeks. Family we're told after 12 week scan and I didn't tell work till I was 20 weeks, there was a few risks because of medication I have to take, so I wanted to be sure everything was okay before everybody knew. Plus I'd only just started in my new job at 12 weeks so didn't want to rock up on my first day and announce that news!! Grin
Congratulations, hope it all goes well Flowers

ohfourfoxache · 28/10/2016 18:19

Oh congratulations! Thanks

It's your pregnancy and your body, tell people if/when you want to and don't be pressured into anything

user1471494124 · 28/10/2016 19:40

Very similar situation here. Have a toddler, tried TTC again and had two losses, decided to give up and try again in January, then got pregnant! Due to the two losses we were very cautious about telling anyone and kept it completely to ourselves for 13-14 weeks, when we started telling best friend, parents. I also had recurring bleeding during the first trimester and lies if early scans so wanted to wait to see if everything was going to be ok. (It is. Am now 21 weeks with DS1 and all bleeding stopped, all scans great, and Nipt fine.) It's your choice who you tell and when. I am really glad we kept it as our little secret. Everyone was so surprised when we told them it was quite fun too!

Good luck. Hope your pregnancy goes well.

PetalMettle · 28/10/2016 19:45

Your body, your choice whenever you are ready. Congratulations and hope everything goes well x

harderandharder2breathe · 28/10/2016 19:48

Congratulations on your pregnancy, hopenit all works out Flowers

PberryT · 28/10/2016 19:52

Congratulations!

Kudos to anyone who managed to hide it until 20 weeks, I was already the size of a whale!

wibblywobblyfish · 28/10/2016 20:02

I kept Ds1 secret until 24 weeks when I handed in my MATb1 at work. My parents knew I was preg at 12 weeks but I was quite young and they were horrified and didn't speak to me for 3 months.

DD was public knowledge from 12 weeks but I had a big bleed at 23 weeks and thought I would lose her.

DS2 I kept quiet again until I was 24 weeks, I wanted to be out the woods. Nobody knew until I handed in my Matb1.

I'm a strapping lass so nobody realised!

AshGirl · 28/10/2016 20:09

I am almost 21 weeks pregnant after a previous MC at 16 weeks. I have also kept it very quiet at work, only telling my boss and immediate team on a need to know basis.

I feel like it'a been a secret so long now though that I don't quite know how to make it public now we're past the 20 wk scan!

And congratulations Halloween Envy

SpookyPotato · 28/10/2016 20:09

I'm 22 weeks and hardly told anyone! It helps that I rarely see people Grin

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