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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel horribly sad and guilty

37 replies

Temporaryname137 · 25/10/2016 19:13

I work full time and long hours. I like my job a lot and it pays well, so DP is the SAHD. DD is 1 and I went back when she was 6 months old, so she's well used to it.

I'm mostly ok with seeing her a bit in the morning and evening and then at weekends because my job gives her a nice lifestyle and I hope I will be setting her a good example one day.

But tonight the little thing isn't well and cried herself to sleep and although DP did everything I would do and she's now asleep, I was stuck at my desk dealing with some client crap and I hate myself.

AIBU to ask how working parents deal with feeling like his and juggling job and family time? Sad

OP posts:
Ewock · 25/10/2016 19:19

I understand how you feel. I was lucky and didnt go back to work until my ds was nearly a year. But me and dh are both full time. We are lucky that amazing family do the majority of our childcare so ds only in nursery 2 days a week but if he is ill I only get 1 paid day a year to be with him which means in reality my family look after him when he is sick. I hate it and the guily at times can be overwhelming. I know (hope) he knows he is very much loved more than anything else in the world but it doesnt help me feel any better xx

SheldonCRules · 25/10/2016 19:23

Its not fun working when they are sick but each of us took turns and knew the other parent was there for them.

I've never felt guilty for working to support my family, the children have benefitted from it not just in terms of a home and food. They will have a great work ethic, know that both sexes work not just men and that hard work means nice things in life. I'd have felt guilty not working for various reasons though.

ImMeMe · 25/10/2016 19:24

No, not unreasonable.

I am in the same situation.

fc301 · 25/10/2016 19:27

YANBU to be sad. When your child is ill you want to be there.
YABU to be guilty. ALL parents have to work (one way or another) - it's a fact of life and we do it FOR our children. Xxx

Original poster
Temporaryname137 · 25/10/2016 19:29

Thanks v much - I think I am looking for understanding more than anything and it really really helps to see other people have the same thoughts sometimes. What's for the best in the long term isn't necessarily the same as the very short term. I just hate the thought of my poorly baby without her mum :((

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 25/10/2016 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/10/2016 19:33

I reassure myself that there's no such thing as having it all. You lose on some things and gain on others. Every parent everywhere has to compromise and feels like shit sometimes.

Matchingbluesocks · 25/10/2016 19:35

It's ok OP. It's tough at times but remember that will pass. The good times will come back. Hugs

ButtonBoo · 25/10/2016 19:35

Same here. I'm a single parent and work full time. My work is not particularly helpful when my DD is poorly and I have to take annual leave. Not that its a holiday, looking after a sick child! Plus, I use a large chunk of my leave up doing this so am always scuppered now she's at school and has 14 weeks of school holiday that I've got to arrange childcare for. Thank heavens for my mum and some brilliant friends, because exDH lives at the other end of the country and I have no other family.

KittyLacey · 25/10/2016 19:52

Please don't suggest that SAHPs aren't instilling a work ethic or setting a good example to their children.

smurfest · 25/10/2016 19:56

nobody has, though have they, Kitty.

ThornyBird · 25/10/2016 19:58

I'd say that Sheldon implied it though smurf

Artistic · 25/10/2016 19:58

It's very difficult when they are babies. Just last Wednesday I had to leave my 2 year old with DH when she had a raging fever, cold & cough & she just wanted to be in my arms. Had a long day 7am to 7pm so wasn't there for most of it. Poor baby. But she hopefully wasn't worse off because of it and doesn't remember. But I got to meet critical deadlines & was so grateful to not be asking favours from my boss. Loads of cuddles & fun later is what you need to focus on. Try not to think of them being poorly so long as they are with the other parent, home & being pampered. I feel so much worse when I have to send her to CM/nursery when she's poorly (but not enough to be home).

Crunchymum · 25/10/2016 19:58

I was at work today and my poorly DC was at home with daddy.

Needs must.

My youngest was just gone 1 when I went back to work. She was so ill bless her but I'd be on maternity leave for a year and negotiated part time hours at the 11th hour so I didn't feel like missing my first day was an option. Of course we ended up in A&E with her that night and I missed my 2nd day back but at least everyone knew baby was ill and I made up the time when she was better

It's hard but it's often harder for us Flowers

Marylou2 · 25/10/2016 19:59

Horribly difficult. I was at a black tie reception at a hotel in Cape Town on my DDs birthday this year. Sounds fun but it wasn't. I cried all my makeup off in the loo and then put my professional smile on. I knew DH was holding the fort at home though. Being a working mum sucks sometimes.

TeatimeForTheSoul · 25/10/2016 20:00

Feeling for you OP, and empathising with you. Both myself and DH feel the same.

Kitty, didn't think OP was suggesting that. I read it as a good example that mums can be highest bread winner and Dads can be great SAHPs too.

farfarawayfromhome · 25/10/2016 20:01

I don't see that the OP implied anything...projection much?

OP YANBU to feel like this you are only human. Whenever I feel guilty I look at my DH... he never feels an ounce of guilt about working. Is this a female thing?

underneaththeash · 25/10/2016 20:02

If you like your job, earn enough money and DH like being at home it sounds as if you have the perfect mix.
Don't feel guilty.

Ps your DS will get ill lots!

LaPharisienne · 25/10/2016 20:06

My heart goes out to you. I couldn't do it and I guess we are really lucky that I can be at home and want to be.

I think in a few years' time when she's bigger and your career is going great guns it will feel worth it. And like others have said, you will be a great role model for her.

RidiculousVehicle · 25/10/2016 20:06

I'm in a somewhat similar situation (I'm a teacher though so can spend time with DD in holidays). However, I comfort myself with thinking that parents are for life. My DDad wasn't great at dadding in the under 12 phase, but quite good with teenagers and twenty-somethings - basically I appreciated him a lot more when I was older. As long as you are both making a contribution and everything is covered it's fine for it not to be the same contribution. Enjoying your job is good too - it wouldn't be fun to have a parent where you knew they were either resenting spending time with you, or doing a job they hated just to fund you?

gillybeanz · 25/10/2016 20:06

Hey, I'm a long term sahm 25 years in fact.
I didn't read anything into the post about work ethic and ffs if this is how a parent manages to stop the guilt, which they shouldn't have it's fine by me.

Please don't allow one post to derail the support the OP is seeking.
I can't imagine what it must feel like, so won't add anymore as no experience here.

RidiculousVehicle · 25/10/2016 20:07

So, YANBU, this too will pass and who knows where you'll all be with it in 10 years' time?

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 25/10/2016 20:08

Guilt goes with the job. It's what stops us from being arseholes and the only people who don't feel guilty about some aspect of their parenting are either hopelessly smug or utterly deluded. If you were at home full time, you'd feel guilty about some aspect of that. It's totally normal. Rubbish, but totally normal!

f33lingsad · 25/10/2016 20:08

The OP has her own reasons for working, SAHPs have their own reasons for not.

I've been both at different times. Parents should have the courage of their own convictions and not concern themselves with the choices or reasoning of others Kitty.

OP, I've been there and it's rubbish but blame the illness, not yourself. Roll on the weekend for extra quality time, she'll be better by then and able to enjoy it.

Original poster
Temporaryname137 · 25/10/2016 20:09

Oh FFS kitty, my DP is a SAHP, as it says in the post. I have nothing but admiration and respect for SAHPs, who teach their children a lot, and a fair bit of envy. But one of the things that makes it worthwhile is knowing that my DD will grow up with the benefit of one working parent and one SAHP. Hence setting her a good example.

OP posts: