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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel horribly sad and guilty

37 replies

Temporaryname137 · 25/10/2016 19:13

I work full time and long hours. I like my job a lot and it pays well, so DP is the SAHD. DD is 1 and I went back when she was 6 months old, so she's well used to it.

I'm mostly ok with seeing her a bit in the morning and evening and then at weekends because my job gives her a nice lifestyle and I hope I will be setting her a good example one day.

But tonight the little thing isn't well and cried herself to sleep and although DP did everything I would do and she's now asleep, I was stuck at my desk dealing with some client crap and I hate myself.

AIBU to ask how working parents deal with feeling like his and juggling job and family time? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Temporaryname137 · 25/10/2016 20:12

God you lot are bloody brilliant, I'm feeling so much better and more rational - Wine for everyone thank you!

OP posts:
SliceOfLime · 25/10/2016 20:20

OP I think Kitty's post was responding to Sheldon's comment not yours so don't feel under attack! I'm a SAHP and I know my DH who works full time feels like you do when the kids are ill. Sounds like you have a very good set-up and your little one is safe at home with Dad so don't feel guilty! My kids have been ill lately, and with the best will in the world and all the love in the world, by day 5 of us all being cooped up at home they're getting on my nerves - and I feel guilty for swearing under my breath and wishing I could run away, for a few hours at least! Wine and Flowers and Cake for us all!

BitOutOfPractice · 25/10/2016 20:21

Oh op my dc are much older now and I still have the working mother guilt.

Original poster
Temporaryname137 · 25/10/2016 20:33

I also feel bad for DP who never gets a break when I am too busy at work. What is it they say - parent like you don't have a job, and work like you don't have a child?!

OP posts:
fiorentina · 25/10/2016 20:47

YANBU I have 2 DC and due to circumstance work more, longer hours and a 1.5 hour commute each way. I find it hard that when they are poorly or need something they often ask for daddy first.
It's the way it is, I know they are happy with him but it hurts and makes me sad at times.

Ginslinger · 25/10/2016 20:53

my eldest is now in his 30's - he was looked after by my MIL and other family for much of the time although DH and I did take as much as we could. I remember the awful times where my heart broke, where I cried on my way to work, when I had to go and sob in the loos at work - he's a great big strapping guy now, he's married with kids, he has a lovely wife and he doesn't blame me in anyway - he loves his mum (my precious little soldier) and he's a credit to everyone in my family who shared in his upbringing -

Ginslinger · 25/10/2016 20:54

sorry - I meant to say that love is love is love and that the person who will always feel worst is you - if your DC is brought up with love then that is what matters.

DrE678 · 25/10/2016 20:57

Unfortunately the guilt doesn't go away and mine are both considerably older now. You are right though you are setting her a great example and providing an amazing lifestyle. Both DH and I have always worked and my two DC had a nanny from 3mo. It gets easier and it does make you really appreciate the time you do have together.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 25/10/2016 21:01

I think we are at the mercy of our own experiences and it might be that in times gone by, it was the norm that the mum was at home with the sick child because it was the dad who went out to work.

But that's not the case these days, and so the 'norm' is different.

I think yes, all kids want their mum when they are ill. But actually, having a stable person - be it their DF or a nanny or a grandparent there - is what they are used to and so it's not actually as bad as we might think.

Short answer is as long as they feel safe and loved, it's ok. But i get the guilt. But don't sweat it. They will be fine Flowers

IAmNotAWitch · 25/10/2016 21:06

It's a bugger alright and it doesn't get much easier my DS1 (12) is sick today and I have left him home with dad.

Normally I would be able to work from home but I just can't this week and DH can.

Doesn't make me feel any less guilty.

Terramirabilis · 25/10/2016 21:12

I work full time and my DH is a part-time student/very part-time worker/has DS for one day a week. Otherwise we rely on 2 days of childcare from gps and 2 from daycare. Why should I feel guilty for earning 90+% of my family's income? I shouldn't and I don't.

I grew up with SAHM who barely worked outside the home till I was at uni. It wasn't good for her mental health (anxiety) or financial well-being and made her overly focused on us kids. She would have been much happier working part-time years earlier to give something of her own that wasn't about the grind of looking after us and she admits as much.

I do think that the perception that dads work and mums stay at home isn't good for kids. It was certainly one I took on board until quite old growing up with one parent who did all work outside the home and one who did all work inside it. I'm not sure how one would go about countering that subliminal message though.

Kalopsia77 · 25/10/2016 21:17

My kids have two full time working parents so when they were small we relied heavily on grandparents and if they couldn't cover we would split the day half each- one would get to work stupid early, change over at lunch time and the other would stay late. It's what we had to do to get through. They were and are fine now they are teens. My point is (at last!) that we all muddle through and as long as we love them it's generally just fine. Not "won the lottery, money is no object" but...fine. And ok. You are all doing great OP, guilt is just part of the package Smile

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