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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to cancel the party?

44 replies

user1471460671 · 22/10/2016 11:00

DS is turning 9. He started a new school last year mid way through the year. He has ASD and found it difficult to settle in and make friends so when it was his birthday we invited 10 kids that he seemed to be getting on with. Three turned up. The other 7 didn't even RSVP. It was at a venue so I had to pay for a minimum of 10. DS enjoyed himself so I thought that was a good enough result.

Fast forward to this year: DS is desperate for a party at a very popular venue. He doesn't even want a present. Just this party. I put a deposit down but now I'm just not sure whether to go ahead with it. There's a minimum payment for 12 kids. If only 3 turn up again I'll have paid an awful lot of money for those three. Nobody reciprocated last year and invited DS to any of their parties, not even the boy who DS thinks is his best friend.

I just think it might be best to cancel the whole thing before it gets to invite stage. I'll lose my deposit. DS would love this party even if one kid turns up but I'm just not sure it's emotionally or financially wise.

Your advice is much appreciated.

OP posts:

NoIsAnAnswer · 22/10/2016 11:01

Put invites out and ask for them to let you know by a set date.

Gives yourself a bit more notice hopefully.

Hope your ds has a lovely day

henriettaonanaeroplane · 22/10/2016 11:02

How much is the deposit?

Parties at home can be better in these circumstances imo, then you don't have much to lose and it is fine if just a few people come.

angryangryyoungwoman · 22/10/2016 11:03

Ask the parents directly and explain what happened last year. I would think that people would make an effort if they knew the situation, although they should really anyway. Some people need a nudge...

Notonthestairs · 22/10/2016 11:04

Are there any relatives or neighbours children you could rope in at short notice? I've done that for parties when parents didn't rsvp.

LockingJay · 22/10/2016 11:04

Why don't you just invite handful of children, see who accepts and the. pay for entry and buy their food rather than as an organised party? I have done this with my DS for his 'party' as there wasn't 10 children he wanted.

BusStopBetty · 22/10/2016 11:05

Are there any siblings, cousins, friends' children who would definitely come even if school children can't?

Does it have to be a full party package or can you visit the venue with a couple of children and have food elsewhere?

It's so rude to not even rsvp.

TiredBefuddledRose · 22/10/2016 11:06

Was he happy with just the 3 that showed up? If so I'd say risk it again since it's a specific party he wants, he's a bit more settled there and will have more established friendship groups.
You can always invite over the odds to increase the likelihood of a decent turn out, still book for the minimum just make sure with the venue they're okay with the possibility of 1/2 extra on the day (obviously with you paying for them)

DiscoMike · 22/10/2016 11:10

You could do the old MN trick of sending out the invite with date and time, but not location of party. "RSVP for more information" at the bottom - that way you know if you haven't heard then they definitely aren't coming.

NoIsAnAnswer · 22/10/2016 11:11

Oooh disco....I like it!

Original poster

user1471460671 · 22/10/2016 11:15

He was happy with the 3 that turned up. He doesn't have friends outside of school as he doesn't do extra curricular activities and no cousins etc. I might just have to grit my teeth and let him have this party. It's a specific venue that doesn't let you go there with just a few people. Also, our house is too small for us to have it at home even with 3 kids.
Thanks for your replies. It's giving me lots to think about from a practical POV.

OP posts:

SingaSong12 · 22/10/2016 11:16

Agree with trying to get numbers by a date and maybe looking wider at other children.

Otherwise depends on whether you think your DS react if you cancel. Maybe also on your finances.
If paying isn't a problem then your POV the party is very poor value because only four children rather than twelve attend, but DS is very happy. maybe go ahead and change the format next year.

If you are struggling and could really use the money for other things e.g. DS present then I'd seriously think about cancelling if their arent enough children attending.

airingcupboard · 22/10/2016 11:17

How much notice did you give?

Original poster

user1471460671 · 22/10/2016 11:17

I think if I don't name the venue they might be even less likely to want to come. I don't think spending time with DS will be inticing enough. :-(

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 22/10/2016 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jelliebelly · 22/10/2016 11:19

Speak to the parents to follow up invitations rather than waiting till the last minute.

Pineapplemilkshake · 22/10/2016 11:22

I wouldn't cancel. If your DS will enjoy it even with small numbers, that's the most important thing. Yes it does seem a waste to pay for ten and only four go, but it seems unfair that your DS could potentially have his party cancelled due to the fickleness of other people. At this age he'll likely not be having many more parties, so if it was me I'd just go ahead regardless, to make him happy.

Original poster

user1471460671 · 22/10/2016 11:24

(Sorry, I don't know how to reply specifically to people)
Last year I gave a month's notice. This year it will be 2 week's as I'm still undecided and it's half term now.
The other children I could invite are some of the girls from DS's class who always make a fuss of my baby. Do you think that would be weird? He doesn't dislike them but doesn't really play with them.

OP posts:

Pineapplemilkshake · 22/10/2016 11:25

Also, do you think in future your DS would benefit from doing some extracurricular stuff to widen his s network of friends? I appreciate that may be something you have tried already though.

Original poster

user1471460671 · 22/10/2016 11:33

He definitely would benefit. I am on the look out for something. He has been asked to leave two extra curricular clubs due to his behaviour (he goes off by himself etc and has support at school to deal with this). I hope to find a place where he fits in. :-)

OP posts:

user1476140278 · 22/10/2016 11:40

Not weird to invite some girls at all. My DD got invited to a boy's party when she was in year 5...he has ASD and he wanted a laser party and his Mum told me that he trusted the girls more....there were about 6 girls and 3 boys that came. DD loved it because all her friends that are girls were having girly parties so this was more fun.

ItShouldHaveBeenJessCastismas · 22/10/2016 11:52

user. Absolutely invite the girls! My DS also has ASD and started reception this year. There are two who absolutely adore him - in fact, he's going to the party of one of them tommorrow!

Bountybarsyuk · 22/10/2016 11:58

12 is quite a large number for a party, you may have to invite 20 odd to get that many...so if you do go ahead, I'd try to firm up numbers by texting, asking at the school gate etc if people are coming if they don't RSVP. If you asked all of the boys in the class and some of the girls, it might work.

It does seem a lot of trouble to go to though given last year, why do you think he's fixed on this particular party? I'd just make an excuse like we can't afford it (I really couldn't afford a party like this so it wouldn't be a lie).

ohtheholidays · 22/10/2016 12:00

Yes invite the girls one of our DS was one of the only boys to be invited to a girls birthday party every year,every year he went and had a great time and the girl and her Mum were always really pleased that he went.

normage · 22/10/2016 12:00

Definitely invite the girls. That's a brilliant solution! Hope you have a fab time.

Original poster

user1471460671 · 22/10/2016 12:03

Thanks everyone!

OP posts:

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