AIBU to cancel the party?

[user1471460671]

DS is turning 9. He started a new school last year mid way through the year. He has ASD and found it difficult to settle in and make friends so when it was his birthday we invited 10 kids that he seemed to be getting on with. Three turned up. The other 7 didn't even RSVP. It was at a venue so I had to pay for a minimum of 10. DS enjoyed himself so I thought that was a good enough result.

Fast forward to this year: DS is desperate for a party at a very popular venue. He doesn't even want a present. Just this party. I put a deposit down but now I'm just not sure whether to go ahead with it. There's a minimum payment for 12 kids. If only 3 turn up again I'll have paid an awful lot of money for those three. Nobody reciprocated last year and invited DS to any of their parties, not even the boy who DS thinks is his best friend.

I just think it might be best to cancel the whole thing before it gets to invite stage. I'll lose my deposit. DS would love this party even if one kid turns up but I'm just not sure it's emotionally or financially wise.

Your advice is much appreciated.

I've got this problem too so would be interested to know how you get on. For his 9th birthday, DS invited 10 kids and 4 turned up. I'm hoping we can ditch the party idea altogether this year or just take one friend swimming or something.

Dreading it

Do you ever see the parents of the other kids? I think if you spoke to them and briefly explained the situation they might make more of an effort. Kids are often very busy these days and it might not be that the kids don't want to come more that they have other things on.

Do you know if any of the kids have siblings who are not too far off in age? Maybe you could extend the invite to siblings.
Another thing is that you could be a little more upfront with the invitations and explain that you REALLY REALLY need rsvps because it's an expensive venue. I don't know if that ok or not but it might make people think.
What time are you planning on having the party? Is it close to where everyone lives? What about offering to help with transport?

OP you could be me with DS1. It still happens now he is 18 and wants to go bowling etc. I'd definitely invite the girls. Regarding activities, DS went to Special Olympics and Mencap accredited activities and summer clubs. It might be worth looking into this as they will be able to cope with any behaviour, or him just going off by himself. Our schemes are arranged through the leisure people at the local council so this might be a good place to look.

Have so been there! Make sure that you get in contact with and talk to the parents of the boys that he at least thinks of a son his best friends. Talk to them in advance about the party and make sure they can come. Once you have them confirmed THEN book the party.

Put together really exciting invites. Hand them out in the playground as they are lining up. Or at pick up time. The other children will be really excited just by the invite. If you don't see the invite go to the parent assume it doesn't! I always had a little note for the parents (repeating party info and saying let me know if need help with transport etc).

Definitely invite the girls, and if they are in a friendship group try to invite all of them.

I know it's hard when you are working but if you do see if you can arrange some pickup and drop off days that you can do, and ask parents. I know that's not easy but it is a lot harder for someone to dodge if they have had a face to face conversation.

Are there other children with special needs in the school? If it is more than a one form entry ask the SenCo if there are any in his year (but other classes) or the year above or below. Invite one or two if you can.

Join the PTA and/or volunteer to help at the school whenever you can. Have a chat when possible with the parents of the ones he thinks of as friends.

It's much much more difficult to socially isolate a child when they know the parent.

Of course what would really like to do is tell all these snotty parents to bog off you don't want such bigoted arseholes around your child anyway. He has ASD not a contagious disease. But that doesn't help your child :(

It's a bit harsh to call other parents bigoted, there's no mention of why they didn't come or even rsvp (though that in itself makes them rude!)

OP I don't know how you'd go about checking (may have to get brave and start a few playground conversations or ask teachers) but the party time previously may have coincided with football club or something. I know in my youngest two's (twins) friendship there's 6/7 of them who go to the same dance class on a Saturday morning so maybe it was just a clash of times.
Or did you pick somewhere where parents couldn't stay or younger siblings couldn't be accommodated on the sidelines? When my eldest was 7 and her sisters were a few months old she got invited to 2 separate parties and a swimming pool where they wanted parents to stay and go in the water, as a single parent that was an impossible thing.
I don't know if any of the above are relevant, just throwing out considerations.

I hate the no rsvp thing, so rude!

*friendship group

Aaaagggh I need to proof read before I send, I didn't mean for younger siblings to join in, I gave the swimming pool as an example because I could have sat in the viewing area / cafe as a spectator with the twinkles in their pram but getting in the pool was impossible

Why should he have 10 kids there anyway, just because it is a "normal" or "expected number?

DS1 was introverted and shy, he had two friends (all SEN) over, usually, which meant I just took them to places like cinema & pizza, or bowling & burgers.

They had a nice time

Not all people (kids or grown ups) are cut out for big parties.

I'd just go small.

I think that 11 guests is a lot even for a popular kid tbh.

Is there anything similar that he could do that take smaller parties?

It would be awful if kids came just for the venue & not your son.

It's true to say that there could be loads of reasons why kids couldn't come to the party. It's good to get some perspective. I am super sensitive about my son's ASD. I do think the fact that he hasn't been invited to anybody's party this year even in his supposed friendship group is down to his issues.
The party includes the exclusive use of the venue so it won't be noisy for my DS. That was the reason I initially thought it was a good idea. Definitely the last party he'll have but I know, like many posters with older children, this may always be a problem.

If you can afford it and it's what your son wants then I'd do it. I'd also ring round parents of invited kids who haven't RSVPd to check if they're coming (and try to persuade them). Things like this are important and it sounds like it will make your son happy.

hi, I just wanted to point out that LOADS of kids this age dont have parties at all anymore, so your ds not being invited, might just be because the whle party thing tapers off. I remember there being loads of parties around 4 and 5 years old and then less and less

It's horrible isn't it. We invited 30 from ds class and only 14 rsvp to say they were coming or not. Complete shock as previous party for other dc were always great with rsvp. I'm binning big party for dc2 - he's happy with couple of friends

How about a day at Legoland / Alton Towers type place with one friend he likes and that you know will definitely come?

I do hope the party works out and DS has a fabulous birthday. I would be inclined to arrange something that isn't dependant on numbers and cost (due to your past experience) for example I have a DJ friend who does mini kids parties at home, church hall that sort of thing. Give him prizes and he would do music, games and entertainment. Wouldn't matter if 5 came or 25 (or more) just one payment and fun tailored to those attending. Plus if I was doing something like this id invite all and sundry to give numbers and atmosphere a boost. May even consider saying no gifts needed just bring yourselves! Keep food to minimum, hotdog type thing. Have a great day and memories are far more important than presents in my opinion.

Agree with inviting girls.

Why not do what a PP said, but reverse it if the VENUE for the party is cool? What I'm saying is send out the invites for the party giving the venue/activity, but not the date or time, so they HAVE to contact you to find out when it is. That might make more of them respond.

And be SURE to give the invites (CLEARLY stating what the event/venue is, preferably in pictures) to the children, not the adults. Because then, hopefully, every little Jonny is then excitedly saying to his parents "can I go, pleeeeease can I go?"

Hope it goes well.

Please do come back and let us know!

I have 5 DC ranging from 22 to 9 years old. I have also fostered lots of children. I gave up on big parties years ago. We found either most didn't bother to RSVP so we had no idea how many we would be catering for OR parents would RSVP to say their DC would be coming and then didn't turn up (Ok if its just one or two but highly frustrating if 6 or more don't bother turning up and there were at least 6 that could have taken their place) OR you pay for 12 invitees at activity centre and the children would turn up - with their siblings in tow so a party of 12 turned into a party of 20 (which then have to be paid for) and no matter how many times or how many different ways you make it clear you have only made up 12 party bags for the children who were invited there would always be tears and tantrums from some of the kids who hadn't been invited but demanded a party bag.

For about 10 years I have done birthday parties for ages 5 (first year in school), 11 (Last year in Primary school) Cinema and sleepover with 5 friends at 16, Disco for 18th and that's it. All other birthdays my children have invited their one or two closest friends for a daytrip out and food at birthday child's chosen venue. Its much more manageable and pleasurable and a lot less stressful.

Havent read the entire thread. Whether 10 kids turn up or 3 turn up, you will pay the same. Your son will be happy if 3 children turn up or if 10 turn up so the cost of making your son happy is the same.

Have you spoken to the teacher? I normally refuse to have anything to do with parties, but last year I had a boy in a very similar situation to yours. I suggested some children that would be the best ones to invite (not necessarily the ones the boy had said, because he tended to gravitate to the more overbearing boys, whereas a better target for him was some of the others). I handed the invitations directly to the parents concerned, had a few quiet words in the ears of some of them, and he got people at his party and has been able to develop some closer friendships with some of the boys that went. As I said, I normally don't have anything to do with parties, but this was a special situation and I didn't mind helping out.