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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sleep in spare room forever

41 replies

Happyhippy45 · 15/10/2016 23:48

Had a big long spell of DH snoring his head off. Wakes me up, or I wake up and can't get back to sleep because of it. I am, in the long term sleep deprived. I get at least 2-3 hours sleep less a night than him. We go to bed at the same time.
He wakes me up snoring, then I hear neighbours cockrel going off, then I hear next door neighbours through paper thin walls banging about.
Driving me insane.
I kick him....not too violently
Tell him to lay on his side......still snores
I'm at my wits end

OP posts:
mightymouse76 · 16/10/2016 00:05

Have you tried those silicone ear plugs? I find they can stop me being woken up during light sleep from the persistent roaring next to me. Saves me having to say 'can you turn over?' 4 times a night.
I sometimes do odd nights in the spare room when I'm feeling particularly sleep deprived or have a big work day. No shame in clawing back some sanity now and again!

HeddaGarbled · 16/10/2016 00:05

Yes, definitely sleep in the spare room. Make it your room. It is essential for your health and wellbeing that you get proper sleep.

madcatwoman61 · 16/10/2016 00:11

Does he fall asleep in the day? Or seem unnaturally tired? If he snores this badly he may have sleep apnoea which is a serious health risk and should be diagnosed and treated. I speak from experience, as my husband suffered from this and I did indeed sleep in the spare room until he got it sorted!

Cheby · 16/10/2016 00:12

Of course you wouldn't be unreasonable. My DH and I went through something similar. Almost got to the point of divorce before he finally went to the GP to get the snoring checked out. Turned out he had mild sleep apnoea, snoring fixed by a CPAP machine. And need for CPAP disappeared when he lost 2st. So pregnancy insomnia aside, we are happy in the same bed again. But I had to threaten permenant separate bedrooms before he finally swallowed his pride and went to get sorted.

S1lentAllTheseYears · 16/10/2016 00:15

Yanbu. If we had a spare room, I'd be in it by now (or kicked DH into it if I could manage it!) No snorers here, we just have opposite body clocks and disturb each other by going to the loo etc etc.

If DH does start to snore reguarly (at the moment he just snorts occasionally and a shut the fuck up! shh from me does the trick) I will rearrange the downstairs so one of us can have a bedroom down there as I would grow to hate him very quickly if he kept me awake all night snoring!

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 16/10/2016 00:18

Thank for your input.
I've tried earplugs.....they tend to fall out.....or I spend too much concentration on preventing them falling out that I don't sleep!
He has lost a bit of weight and his snoring is not quite as loud.....but it's still loud. He does the whole stopping breathing thing. I've told him but he hasn't done anything about it. He finds it amusing that his snoring wakes me up I think. We've been together for about 24 years......his snoring is getting worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 16/10/2016 00:19

He snores on his side too.........

OP posts:
Ohdearducks · 16/10/2016 00:21

Maybe going to the spare room would give him the nudge he needs to take you seriously so no YANBU

BlessYourCottonSocks · 16/10/2016 00:26

We have separate rooms after 17 years together. Yes, it feels a bit unromantic and a bit sad. But the honest truth is, he snores horrendously and I suffer from chronic insomnia. I toss and turn...I can't get comfy...he snores...I can't drop off....I toss and turn even more....he makes irritable noises about me....then snores....I nudge him - and he wakes to say angrily and loudly 'I WASN'T EVEN SLEEPING - HOW CAN I BE SNORING?....I seethe....he snores...I want to punch him in the face to wake him up.....I find myself weeping with tireness...He snores happily...and the alarm goes off and I have to go work a full day on this. I take sleeping tablets - and I wear earplugs. And none of it works. He still manages to vibrate the bed somehow which disturbs me.

Alone, I don't sleep brilliantly. Sometimes don't really sleep at all. But I sleep a hell of a lot better than I would have done with him lying next to me.

0urKid · 16/10/2016 00:26

You need expanding foam earplugs op. I'm guessing you wear wax ones? I find they fall out too. Foam ones you roll between your fingers into a cone shape. Inset them and feel them expand to the shape of your ear canal. I use Hearos. They are fab. Dh is a snorer too and does nose snorting and throat clearing. I'm amazed we're still together. :o

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 16/10/2016 00:27

I do regularly take trips to the spare room.....usually about 6.30am.....try and go to sleep for another hour or so.....usually end up having weird dreams/nightmares. Resorted to just going on iPad and "resting" otherwise I feel like shite when it's time to get up.
He claims he can't sleep unless I'm beside him. I am ready to tell him I don't give a crap.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 16/10/2016 00:30

I dunno ourkid bought from boots......foam ear plugs.....same as you get given on aeroplane or MRI.

OP posts:
elmo4 · 16/10/2016 00:32

I have friends who have separate rooms all the time, and they still hook up for sex but then enjoy their own space - no plans to ever share a bedroom. it works well and they are ahppily married.

madcatwoman61 · 16/10/2016 00:33

Quite apart from keeping you awake, sleep apnoea has a high risk of high blood pressure, stroke and falling asleep at the wheel - maybe that thought will encourage him to go to the doctor. You could try recording him and playing it back!

RoseGoldHippie · 16/10/2016 00:34

Your kick is nicer than me! When I used to share a hotel room with my dad as a kid I used to flick his forehead to get him to shut up! It would ever so slightly wake him up enough that I could normally return to my bed and get back to sleep before it started up again haha!
I think my mum is seriously a saint to put up with it!

user1474907171 · 16/10/2016 00:34

We have actually spent one night in the same bed in the last 15 years, I discovered early on that I would be kicked, laid on, smashed across the head and farted on. It was a mutual decision, and we both sleep better in our own rooms. Routine was that we went to bed together and I would leave at some point and go to my own room.

If you are using foam earplugs you need to roll them up tightly, push them in and let them expand, they shouldn't fall out.

Never mind what he wants, you need to sleep.

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 16/10/2016 00:37

elmo yeah the only major problem I have with him is his snoring. I am still recovering from a proceedure and had to spend about 2 months in the spare room........he survived.

OP posts:
ShtoppenDerFloppen · 16/10/2016 00:40

I am a light sleeper. DH snores for England.

We do not share a bed. We still have an intimate relationship, but when it comes to sawing logs, it is with a wall between us.

As long as you keep the intimacy in your relationship, where you sleep is less about "together" and more about "I don't feel the need to kill my partner."

OrlandaFuriosa · 16/10/2016 00:53

Fgs get him to the dr. Sleep apnoea is really serious. There are excellent articles about it: I finally got dh to take it seriously once I'd got him to read a Times piece, and he had nearly fallen asleep at the wheel several times. He was seriously affected. He's now got a mask.

Czerny88 · 16/10/2016 01:01

He claims he can't sleep unless I'm beside him.

Is he two? Hmm

AcrossthePond55 · 16/10/2016 01:03

He claims he can't sleep unless I'm beside him

Tell him that you can't sleep when you're beside him! Selfish prat. Ask him why his need for sleep trumps yours.

I suggest nice, new bedclothes for the spare room bed and a few books and a clock on the bedside table. Then tell him that you intend on sleeping there every night until he sees the doctor for a sleep study.

My DH's snores shook the rafters. It took the double threat of separate rooms along with information on how sleep apnoea is linked to heart failure and sudden heart death to get him to the doctor. His CPAP machine completely stopped his snoring.

LucieLucie · 16/10/2016 01:14

I'm replying from the spare room. I've been married for 14 years and have been sleeping Separately for 13 of them due to dh snoring.

He is overweight and sticks his head in the sand. He is happy sleeping in his own room where a few years ago I discovered he was enjoying a secret life online sexting and wanking while I was lying alone in the other room.

We moved passed this with his promises to lose weight, address the snoring and promise of full honesty and communication but lately things have become distant again and he just doesn't care. He falls asleep within seconds, no affection and if by a rare chance he wants sex it's over with in under a minute.

I'm so lonely and unhappy with no friends or family for support. They're all useless and love dh.

I feel stuck in a rut and burnt out from trying to flog a dead horse for the last 10+ years

LucieLucie · 16/10/2016 01:16

Oh and my dh was diagnosed with sleep apnea and given a machine but he refuses to use it as it's uncomfortable!!!

Memoires · 16/10/2016 01:18

Do up the spare room and make it yours. You won't survive otherwise! I was at this point with dh and he went off to the spare room (I refused to move - the bedroom was much nicer than the spare). Life is lovely. So is sleep!

Sprinklestar · 16/10/2016 01:36

Why is everyone telling the OP to move out? I'd kick him into the spare room for his selfishness!