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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I rude to cancel?!

26 replies

Msqueen33 · 07/10/2016 05:07

I'm meant to be meeting a school Mum friend for coffee tomorrow. Once again I'm awake at three am with my three year old (she has autism). I feel like utter crap. My husband is home tomorrow so after we've shared the school run (cannot leave him to it as he's disorganised and last time forgot to give our middle DC the medication they needed). I really want to collapse into bed and sleep. Is it rude to cancel? Will I offend her?

OP posts:
Broken1Girl · 07/10/2016 05:11

Oh god of course it's not rude! Cancel away.

tibbawyrots · 07/10/2016 05:14

Don't cancel it outright, suggest another date for it.

Original poster
Msqueen33 · 07/10/2016 05:19

I'd definitely suggest another date. I just don't want her to think I'm rude. I actually like going for coffee with her. I'm just not that free that often as I have a lot of appointments for the kids and don't want her thinking I can't be bothered but I know by about ten I'll feel awful and feel asleep later when kids are back from school and my husband will complain they're not letting him work.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 07/10/2016 05:46

Personally l would write your dh a list and hand as much stuff over to him. I would try to make the coffee, it will be good for you to get out. You sound as if you have a lot on your plate and are very busy. I have ME (chronic fatigue) so I know what it is to be on your last legs. Then I would have a sleep at some stage in the day and leave your dh to it. You also deserve a break and by absolving him of ultimate responsibility for your children because he is disorganised means you don't get many.

Broken1Girl · 07/10/2016 05:50

I assumed cancel meant reschedule, personally.
It's horrible to be unwell and unable to do things you'd like to.

Chottie · 07/10/2016 06:09

I would try to make the coffee date too. Chilling and relaxing over a coffee sounds a good idea.

normage · 07/10/2016 06:17

I would definitely reschedule. Get the kids to school, then collapse into bed. You'll have a much better weekend if you do.

ALongTimeComing · 07/10/2016 06:24

Make DH behave like an adult. Take whatever break for yourself you need; if it's coffee do coffee, and if it's bed then bed. No parent shouldn't be able to get their own kids to school FFS. (Bar death/disabilities...etc)

Sirzy · 07/10/2016 06:26

I know how hard it is but I do agree with those who say try to go. Sometimes an hour away from things is just what is needed and often it's so hard to Keep friendships when you have a child with SN it is nice to get the chance to do so. A friend will understand that your tired!

myownprivateidaho · 07/10/2016 06:55

It would be a bit rude to cancel for tiredness imo. If your DH is at home I'd definitely sleep in and get a nap in the day.

Ashvis · 07/10/2016 06:56

You've my sympathies, my 4 year old with autism had me up at 4 yesterday morning, it's exhausting, I think 3 would have properly broken me. I've sometimes cancelled meet ups with friends because of mornings like that, and good friends are very understanding. I don't think it's hard necessarily to keep friendships up when you've a child with special needs. I'm no longer friends with some people I'd been close with before ds, but if they can't understand why we need more flexibility, or appreciate his unique charms, I'm not interested in having them around anyway. When I socialise with my friends I want to be able to enjoy it, not be preoccupied thinking I'd rather be sleeping. When my dh is in charge of organising things in the morning, I've given him a list of what needs done with timings of when things have to be done by. And ds likes routines being adhered to so it works out well for everyone. Hope you get some rest!

AtSea1979 · 07/10/2016 07:00

I wouldn't cancel for this but everyone is different on how much sleep levels they can tolerate, for me I never nap in the day, i'd just go to bed early later and leave DH to it (who presumably had a lie in).

youarenotkiddingme · 07/10/2016 07:02

From experience (dis has autism) I'd say try and arrange it for you to go.
Write DH a list of what needs doing and go back to sleep for a bit when he's up.

I found myself continually rescheduling and cancelling due to sleep deprivation and it made me more isolated and lonely and didn't help - I was still tired.
But I felt better by going out.

Kr1stina · 07/10/2016 07:06

Agree that your DH needs to sort himself out ASAP

I assume he's organised enough to get to work, do the job properly and keep his job . Is he organised enough to watch TV, see his friends or use a computer ?

What a very clever tactic, to me too " disorganised " to look after his own kids

ForalltheSaints · 07/10/2016 07:10

Not rude as long as it it done soon, not an hour beforehand.

BibbidiBobbidi · 07/10/2016 07:11

Could you have a sleep after the coffee?
If your DH is unable to drop the kids off is he able to pick them up instead so you can sleep this afternoon?
I hope you feel better soon

HardcoreLadyType · 07/10/2016 07:16

It's not rude to cancel, but if you don't often get a chance to go, I would make your DH man up, and look after his DC, while you have your coffee, and then you can make time for a nap, before the school run.

Hellothereitsme · 07/10/2016 07:17

Go for the coffee / you need the break. The problem is your H he needs to step up. Does he manage to get himself dressed , go to work, liaise with colleagues, etc etc. You are enabling him to be useless. Give yourself a break and have some cake. Hugs.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 07/10/2016 07:19

I would try and go even if it's for a short time.

RiverTam · 07/10/2016 07:21

Your problem is your DH. I would try to make your coffee, for your own sake, not just to be polite. Your DH needs to be an adult (bet he manages alright at work).

imip · 07/10/2016 07:25

Can you give dd to Dh for a couple of hours and go to have coffee by yourself? Now my dcs are all in school, I go for coffee on my own with a friend and it is lovely... Even when I'm tired (though I can tolerate being tired as I am a very bad sleeper).

Last night I took my 4 and 6 yo for coffee while waiting for the others to finish gymnastics - bloody hell it was vile! 6yo nt 4 yo possible ASD. You may enjoy it more on your own (we've 'chatted' on the boards before - my 8yo ASD/PDA).

You might find its easier on your own, even if you are tired???

GreatFuckability · 07/10/2016 07:26

If a friend cancelled a meet with me after a night like that id be totally fine with it. Your friend will understand if she's a reasonable human being. I'm Hmm that anyone thinks being too tired to socialise is rude!

allnewredfairy · 07/10/2016 07:27

I would try to make it. It's such short notice and once you're there you'll most likely unwind. Sounds like you could do with the opportunity to offload and relax.
I do get where you're coming from as my DD is HFA and even at this mild degree it's exhausting.

NeedABanner · 07/10/2016 07:29

Stop enabling your DH to be a useless twat. He is a a grown man, of course he can take his children to school. If he finds them too noisy or whatever after school he can bugger off & work elsewhere, it's really not fair to make them tip toe around their own home after school (not so bad if it's only occasionally, but not every day).

Stay in bed. Sleep. See if you can meet later for coffee.

But if you were my friend I'd rather you did what you wanted/needed to do than met me just because we'd arranged it. There's always another day for coffee ☕️☕️ 💐

Ladybird333 · 07/10/2016 07:38

I know what it feels like when the thought of getting your shit together just to meet someone for a coffee is too much. It might do you the world of good, so consider that before rescheduling. If it comes to it though, I'm sure she'll understand. Small children have a habit of messing up well made plans.

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