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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD12 is very rude. What can I do?

28 replies

user1473872482 · 23/09/2016 21:39

My DD12 shouts and screams over the slightest thing. Like tonight she said she wanted a snack so I said to her would you like some pasta and she said do it now with a attitude. My husband told her off and she started crying and saying we are bad parents, she hates us and she hopes we die! Sent to her room but has been there since 2 hours ago. Went to ask her what is wrong and if everything is ok and she just said go away. Feel sorry for her in a way but I don't know why.

OP posts:

Champagneformyrealfriends · 23/09/2016 21:41

Hormones maybe? They rage a lot at that age.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 23/09/2016 21:41

Is she used to getting her own way with you? My 8 year old is having a bit of an attitude at the moment but he wouldn't dare say "do it now" to me. I also wouldn't be going and asking him if anything was wrong and feeling sorry for him. It sounds like you are too soft.

Original poster

user1473872482 · 23/09/2016 21:49

She is used to getting her own way with me and I am too soft with her. Always have been. Guess I just want a easy life. My husband tells me not to be soft on her and to not let her speak in a horrible way to me.

OP posts:

ayeokthen · 23/09/2016 21:52

Your husband is right. I'm all for kids being able to express their feelings and hormones are raging at that age, but I'll be buggered if I'll be spoken to like a piece of shit by any of my kids. That applies to all of them, DCs aged 2-9 and DSDs 12/13. Hell no.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 23/09/2016 21:55

If you allow her attitude to continue at this level at 12 you have nightmare teen years ahead! Ask her about her friends families and has she heard other girls her age speaking to their parents like she does!!??

StStrattersOfMN · 23/09/2016 21:56

Your DH is right, that's what happens when you take the easy option. It bites you on the arse. Kids need boundaries, rules, they make them feel safe.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 23/09/2016 21:58

I thought as much. It won't be an easy life for you, letting her talk like this. It's rude and disrespectful. Your DH is right.

SuePermario · 23/09/2016 22:00

My dd who's 11 is very much same as this op, she can be the most awkward and bad tempered kid on the planet. I am not soft with her yet she still talks to me like poo every day. My other dc are perfectly pleasant.

It can be very draining

Original poster

user1473872482 · 23/09/2016 22:00

Yes you are all right. Need to get a grip and get tough. Feel like a bad mum though for allowing her to talk like this. I have asked her if her friends talk to their mums like this and she said I don't care if they do.

OP posts:

ayeokthen · 23/09/2016 22:02

You do need to get a grip and get tough, but you're not a bad mum. None of us is perfect, not one. Our kids get a bit lippy but they know with a look from me that they've gone too far. Your DD will thank you for being harder when she's older.

choli · 23/09/2016 22:04

she said she wanted a snack
Fine, DD, go make yourself something...

A 12 yr old should be more than capable of making a snack for herself - does she genuinely not know how?

Hoppinggreen · 23/09/2016 22:12

If she's rude to you its you who needs to tell her off ( supported by your husband ).

hownottofuckup · 23/09/2016 22:17

I wouldn't bother asking if her friends talk to their parents that way, like she says who cares really?
I would tell her you don't speak to me like that, but I would also go and try to engage her in her room like you did, I think that's a good idea. If she he's arsey about it I'd tell her you know where I am come and speak to when you're ready.

Hateloggingin · 23/09/2016 22:32

Mine is similar but also can be lovely, I think it's hormones. We've gone for zero tolerance on speaking to us like that but also talking/cuddling/reassurance say 30 mins later when everyone has calmed down. Mainly to explain why what she did was bad, get an apology but also reassure still loved etc just her behaviour at that time we're not happy with.

crispandcheesesanwichplease · 23/09/2016 22:35

Agree with other posters OP, time to get tough with her. Got a 12 year old with challenging behaviour and even she would know this is not an acceptable way to behave with you.

By allowing her to get her own way in this manner you are not doing her any favours, either in the short or long term. You are her mother for god's sake, not her servant! It's certainly not going to help her in her social relationships if she thinks this is ok.

Yes I get the hormone stuff, age related mood swings, not being able to handle sudden rage - however her attitude falls well below what is acceptable. I would say it's ok to feel all over the place but not to treat other people like this.

Sometimes in order to restore 'acceptable' attitude in my daughter I withdraw all extras - taking her swimming, arranging to take her to meet up with friends, treats that require me putting myself out and tell her that these are things I just can't be arsed to do when she's being disrespectful to me. We are a family and we help each other and co-operate, if her goodwill isn't evident in day to day interactions then I'll withdraw my goodwill!

Part of being a decent parent is helping them consider other people's feelings. She needs to understand that you get a lot more out of people (and more of your needs met) by being civilised.

Wolfiefan · 23/09/2016 22:36

You need to issue a warning followed by a consequence for every example of rudeness. You are about to discover that ignoring bad behaviour "for an easy life" leads to a shitload of trouble down the line.

Saracen · 23/09/2016 22:37

I think you need to do two things in parallel.

First, stop tolerating her rudeness. Tell her how it makes you feel and that you expect her to treat you kindly. Don't bother with punishments, which will only escalate it, just tell her it isn't on.

Second, look for moments when she isn't being rude, however brief they may be. In those moments, be extra nice to her. Things aren't going well for her and she needs to know you love her. She isn't happy. Happy people do not treat others like shit just for fun, because it isn't a fun hobby. She knows that being nasty to you is wrong and when she does it, she feels even worse about herself. It's a difficult cycle for her to break. Showering her with love whenever she isn't being vile may remind her that she's a lovable person, so it will be easier for her to act like one.

ginorwine · 23/09/2016 22:50

I think the advice Above is good .

You mention you want an easy life - I don't think allowing rudeness will get you an easy life on the long term tho .
Firm boundaries with lots of positives - yes hormones nay be raging but maybe work out what ur non negotiable bottom lines are . Then pick ur battles - some things that are not important to you can he ignored and energy saved for more significant issues . If rudeness is not ok to you then do not tolerate it . Yes there can be understanding re hormones etc but still firmly clamp down on rudeness etc.

ginorwine · 23/09/2016 22:53

I think I read a good book on teens once called Something like tiara s and tantrums or door slammers !
Again it said praise like crazy where there are positives and calm firm boundaries . Not always easy I kno from experience . Love and boundaries .

Original poster

user1473872482 · 23/09/2016 23:30

Normally we do kiss, cuddles and small talk before bed. Tonight though she didn't even want to say good night to me or her dad. She was sitting with her back towards her bedroom door and refused to let us in so we just left her to it and she just sorted her out and went to bed.

Hopefully tomorrow she will be better behaved.

OP posts:

Bettydownthehall · 24/09/2016 07:37

I ask my DC whether they would speak to their teacher in this way.

The answer is no because they respect them.

So then I ask whether I deserve the same respect as their teacher given that I love them so much and do a lot for them ( I usually rant on and on at this point about what I do for them)

They key is if they can control how they speak to other people then hormones, tiredness ect is just an excuse, if they can control it with other people then they most certainly should control it with you because you DESERVE the most respect.

Original poster

user1473872482 · 24/09/2016 08:39

I totally agree Bettydownthehall, I said to my husband this morning that it could just be hormones and he said to me that is no excuse because she knows how to control herself with others which is exactly what you said.

Should I speak to her about her behaviour this morning or should I just leave her?

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 24/09/2016 09:14

I have an 11 year old DD.
I would probably say good morning and ask how she is this morning. If she's still stroppy I would say ok, let's talk later. If she just wants to forget it I would say that her behaviour was totally unacceptable and you found it very hurtful. Be firm but calm

Greyponcho · 24/09/2016 09:25

Sent to her room but has been there since 2 hours ago. Went to ask her what is wrong and if everything is ok and she just said go away

Sounds like you have been rather soft on her, pandering to her emotions about the situation reinforcing her perception of being "wronged", as you went to see if she was alright, even though she said the hurtful comments.
Perhaps consider "sent her to her room, then went to explain why we told her off, why what she said was hurtful, what type of behaviour we expected from her and that she can apologise when she's ready to".

If you don't get an apology then let this one slide, then next time consider doing the above but with consequences of being so rude, such as withholding tv access.

If she isn't told what is expected of her, then how will she know?
Good luck OP

clam · 24/09/2016 09:41

Should you speak to her about her behaviour? Not if you're going to go in from a position of weakness and almost plead with her to behave. She's not in the slightest bit interested in how it makes you feel, so don't give your power away by telling her.

I think you need to find your inner steely bitch a bit more. There is no way ON THIS EARTH I would allow any child, my own or anyone else's (or an adult, come to that) to speak to me in that way. Where is your pride? Find it. It doesn't mean you should be Sergeant-Major-ing about the house - you need to keep things light and pleasant and loving as much as possible, but stop dead when she speaks to you rudely and pull her up on it.
Every. Single. Time.

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