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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I suspect I am and immature to boot

40 replies

PeppaAteMySoul · 11/09/2016 00:21

My DS will be born in November and I am terrified mostly because I suffered with postnatal depression with my first and am very concerned about it happening again.
My MIL has bought my DP tickets to go to an event that will include an overnight stay in January and I really don't want him to go. It seems no one has considered that we will have a tiny baby and 3 year old DS to look after and I might not be well myself.
I am stewing about MIL buying the tickets without even thinking about how I would feel and With DP for accepting without thought.

However rationally my DP is a fantastic father and hardly ever goes out or has a break. He is normally a fantastic support to me.
So I should probably allow/ put on a brave face about this night out shouldn't I? Especially when I think part of it comes from resentment that I can't get a break for months as will be breastfeeding.

OP posts:
winewinewhine · 11/09/2016 00:29

I would have been furious with my DP for accepting an invasion like that when baby will be so young. Although I am probably bu too!

Haggisfish · 11/09/2016 00:40

Yababu. Could your mum or a close friend come to stay for the night? I think is nice they still do things together.

lordStrange · 11/09/2016 00:41

I had a dreadful time with DC1, possible PND, non sleeping baby.

DC2 was a bloody dream come true! A happy sleepy baby! No pnd just joy!

Like you, I was so worried projecting like mad that I would repeat the same misery I experienced first time round.

What I'm saying is -- this time will be different from the first quite possibly. Let him go. If you are struggling when January comes around then ask him to stay with you, sure. But it might be fine for you and he sounds like a great dad so let him have a fun night away.

KickAssAngel · 11/09/2016 00:47

I think they should have asked/talked to you first. You could be absolutely fine (let's hope) or struggling to make it through the night.

If your DH is normally great, would he consider cancelling if things are tough? Can you talk to him and agree that he goes if it's all well, but doesn't if you need help?

At that stage each week makes a difference. When I had DD at 4 weeks I would have hated DH going away. By 6 weeks I'd have waved him a cheery goodbye. So you're being not too U, but maybe a little bit.

Original poster
PeppaAteMySoul · 11/09/2016 00:49

I know I need to let him go. It's a once in a lifetime event. Or at least it's an event that happens at most every few years and he would be lucky to get tickets again.

I think I am projecting. And seething that no one has considered me or my feelings. MIL just cares about making her son happy. I know that's petty of me.
Will have to grin and bare it. If I told him to stay he would. I don't want to be like that though. Just need to find a way of getting passed the hurt/ anger/ worry/ jealousy. I don't want to talk to him about it as he is so pleased I don't want to spoil it for him.

OP posts:
GiddyOnZackHunt · 11/09/2016 00:56

Given DP is a decent chap and it would be nice for him to do a thing, would it help you to sort out a plan asap so that you aren't getting in a panic about it?
Can you talk to him and say you want to be happy for him to go? You are worried about pnd and how you might be. You don't want to be stressing and ruining his trip. So can the two of you put a plan plus failsafe in place now so you are calm and happy from now until the trip?

Original poster
PeppaAteMySoul · 11/09/2016 01:00

If my DS hadn't started nursery this term I would have taken him and baby on a little holiday to my sisters'. She would love to see us all and I would get a bit of pampering. The trip is in term time though and she can't get to us so will have to come up with a new plan.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 11/09/2016 01:01

What Giddy said. Can you put a plan in place now to make sure you have the support you need to manage for that night?

ohtheholidays · 11/09/2016 01:03

Do you have anyone that your very close to that you'd be happy to come and stay with you whilst your DP is out?

And no YANBU,pnd is bloody horrible and I'd have felt exactly the same way as you.

SallyMcgally · 11/09/2016 01:03

You sound lovely OP, and I think you're right that your DP should go. But try not to worry. I'm another one whose second baby was so much easier. But if you are struggling in Jan it would be fine to ask for someone to come and stay with you xx And congratulations btw xxx

pontificationcentral · 11/09/2016 01:04

Go and stay with your sister. People take 3 yos out of nursery for a few days for trips all the time. It's no big deal.

Ditsy4 · 11/09/2016 01:04

I had it for first but not subsequent babies.

Spare a thought for those that DH work away/ are in the forces. We just have to get on with it. DH went back to work three days after I had come out of hospital and I had a difficult time with BP so was in for five days. One night away you'll be fine.

Sweetandsour93 · 11/09/2016 01:05

I think you know you're being a bit unreasonable. I understand why you're worried but it'll only be one night and you might feel very differently by January. Let him have a nice night with his dm, especially as you say he's usually very supportive.

ohtheholidays · 11/09/2016 01:05

Honestly OP if you can go and stay with your sister then I would.

I used to teach and Nursery is not like school,it's not usally anywhere near as strict about the children being of as school is.

SallyMcgally · 11/09/2016 01:06

Wouldn't it be ok for DS1 to miss a couple of days at nursery? Especially if yr sister will pamper you?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 11/09/2016 01:06

Peppa you can take days out from nursery :) Get that sorted as your Plan A. Honestly any parent with pre school children will take advantage of off peak prices for holidays and pull children out of pre school if they can!

TheDowagerCuntess · 11/09/2016 01:10

You don't typically get much sympathy on AIBU for situations like this (luckily, everyone has been lovely so far).

I think the thing about parenthood that I struggled with the most, was the parting of the ways, in terms of the male/female experience.

Up until I had DC, I considered myself to have had pretty much the same rights, choices and life experiences as the average man.

Pregnancy, breastfeeding, maternity leave and primary caregiver status well and truly put paid to that. And that's with a loving, hands-on DH.

YANBU to be upset about this. It's the dealing with it part that's hard - and your MIL and DH's assumptions that this is perfectly OK don't help.

Talk it out with him - let him know you're fine with it, but explain why you're feeling a tad resentful. And then move on.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 11/09/2016 01:10

Oh and plan for DP to drop and collect you or some other plan that doesn't involve you being responsible for managing it by yourself.

TheDowagerCuntess · 11/09/2016 01:11

And yes - go and stay with your sister.

Original poster
PeppaAteMySoul · 11/09/2016 01:15

I was thinking about it but just thought it would be frowned on by the nursery. If they would be okay and DS not unsettled by it then it might be the best way forward.
Ditsy I know how lucky i am. That's why I feel a bit silly and guilty for feeling like this. DP will be off for 4 weeks when baby is born. He is taking 2 weeks annual leave on top of paternity leave so he can help me.
Thank you everyone for your stories of finding second babies easier. I struggled so much for the first year with DS. I love him so much now and have such a great bond with him but that first year nearly broke me. I'm so worried about having to do it all again but am reassured to hear it might not be like that this time.
It seems like everyone else has forgotten how bad things were and how much I struggled. Or maybe they just don't expect it will happen again in the same way I do. That's probably why they don't see the same problems with the trip.

OP posts:
SallyMcgally · 11/09/2016 01:23

Nursery should be fine with it, and it might be a lovely treat for DS, especially if your sisters makes a bit of a fuss of him xx

GiddyOnZackHunt · 11/09/2016 01:23

I had pnd with my youngest after sailing through before that. I remember all too well the feeling of utter fucking desperation like the walls were closing in and I needed to run far, far away. It isn't always like that and tbh if you haven't had it, how on earth would you believe the horror?
Of course they don't get the mounting sense of panic.
Now would be a great time to talk about it :)

FairyAccess · 11/09/2016 01:24

Really sorry but I think you are being very unreasonable. You are getting yourself in a tizz about nothing. You can stay with your sister or you can manage for a night. If need be could you get a babysitter to help or another family member. Your MIL has not done anything wrong but our DH should have run it past you. It's definitely not your MILs job to check with you if your DH is available so I don't think you should be angry with her.

Hopefully everything will go swimmingly and you will look back and wonder what you were worrying about.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 11/09/2016 01:26

PS my youngest is the child who evetybody loves but they don't love him like his mummy does Grin My heart could burst out and do the rumba when he smiles :)

GiddyOnZackHunt · 11/09/2016 01:26

Fairy have you had pnd?