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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I suspect I am and immature to boot

40 replies

PeppaAteMySoul · 11/09/2016 00:21

My DS will be born in November and I am terrified mostly because I suffered with postnatal depression with my first and am very concerned about it happening again.
My MIL has bought my DP tickets to go to an event that will include an overnight stay in January and I really don't want him to go. It seems no one has considered that we will have a tiny baby and 3 year old DS to look after and I might not be well myself.
I am stewing about MIL buying the tickets without even thinking about how I would feel and With DP for accepting without thought.

However rationally my DP is a fantastic father and hardly ever goes out or has a break. He is normally a fantastic support to me.
So I should probably allow/ put on a brave face about this night out shouldn't I? Especially when I think part of it comes from resentment that I can't get a break for months as will be breastfeeding.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppaAteMySoul · 11/09/2016 01:29

TheDowagerCuntess that's exactly it. My experience of motherhood seems to involve more sacrifices than DP's experience of fathehood. I resent that even though I know it's not his fault. I also know in the grand scheme of things the 6 months to a year I spend off work with a baby attached to me is hard going but not the biggest sacrifice ever.

I struggle with the idea as a mother I can have it all. I want to have the career and the home life but have already had to put the PGCE I am desperate to do on hold for another year. Even after that the demands of the course worries me. It seems like then I will have to sacrifice time with my children for my career. Meanwhile now I'm sacrificing career progression for time with my children. My DP and fathers in general seem to be able to make those sacrifices much less frequently or without as much guilt. Though that is probably a subject for another thread at a less late hour.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppaAteMySoul · 11/09/2016 01:35

Fairy I know I abu. Just venting on here to avoid venting to DP and to calm myself down. I think I would be fine if it wasn't for the worry of PND. For me it was exactly as the pp described it felt like the walls were closing in on me and there was no escape. As pathetic as it is the thought of going through that alone even for a night is terrifying. Hopefully I will be okay this time round and anyway even if not it will be picked up sooner because I'm more aware of it and so is DP.

OP posts:
Ditsy4 · 11/09/2016 01:41

Go and stay with your sister. The others are right you can take them out of Nursery even if it is school nursery . People take them out for holidays all the time. I used to work in nurseries and we have one at our school. Plan a little holiday and you won't feel resentful.
I didn't mean to be unkind.
I had a very traumatic delivery ( em CS)with our first resulting in me being quite unwell for the first five to six months physically and this lead to some PND also a friend died. It took me till my son was about eight months before I felt better. He had also been a very poorly baby.I had no family support as my mum was ill in hospital and I ended up helping care for my sisters.
DS2 was completely different I had a normal delivery and he fed a slept well and I had no PND at all. Nor for baby 3&4.
Think positive.

ohtheholidays · 11/09/2016 01:42

I promise you OP taking your DS out of nursery will be fine,I've worked in 3 different nurserys and it was quite common for parents to take they're child out for a day or 2 for all sorts of reasons.

I've taken all 5 of our DC out one time or another when they were in nursery so we could do something nice together as a family,no one batted and eyelid and it had no negative affect on the children.

FairyAccess · 11/09/2016 01:46

Giddy. I've not had PND but I have read the thread. I don't know if you have read the thread ? The OP says she can stay with her sister. She said her sister would welcome her and that she would enjoy it and that her only reservation was taking her 3 year out of nursery...... So yes, I still feel confident in saying the OP is being unreasonable to worry about this 🤔

I think the OP is being most unreasonable in blaming her MIL.

Original poster
PeppaAteMySoul · 11/09/2016 01:49

Ditsy I'm so sorry to hear about what must have been such a stressful time for you. Flowers You weren't unkind at all. Positive thinking is needed. My circumstances with DS1 and this baby are also very different.

I will call my big sister in the morning and ask if we can visit. She has been suggesting I take the baby to see her when he's here so hopefully she will be happy with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppaAteMySoul · 11/09/2016 01:53

Fairy you are right I am being unfair on MIL. Protecting other issues I have with her onto this etc.

I suffer with anxiety generally so I probably do get myself in a tizz over things that wouldn't bother others. That's partly why I didn't bring it up with my DP. I know it must be hard to live with!

OP posts:
trafalgargal · 11/09/2016 01:58

If he works full time and pulls his weight with the kids too then yes he probably deserves a break without you pouting. It's not like he has sprung it on you so you could go to your sisters or invite a friend round to stay. The baby will be two months old though so not a really really new baby. Just plan ahead and remember he will owe you a child free night away too.

Original poster
PeppaAteMySoul · 11/09/2016 08:09

Yes, it would be nice to have some child-free time myself at some point. Thank you everyone for your advice last night. Really helped put stuff in perspective.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 11/09/2016 08:22

Even if nursery objected (and I doubt they will) I'd still take your DC out anyway.

You'll all have a lovely time at your sister's.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 11/09/2016 10:55

Fairy given my first response was the 7th post of the thread I think it's fair to assume I have read the thread. Hmm

MermaidTears · 11/09/2016 11:23

I would take him out of nursery I've never heard of it being a big deal? My eldest DD regularly had days off and we went on holiday for two weeks etc.
Reception is different but nursery is fine imo

MrsHathaway · 11/09/2016 11:45

You've had some great advice and seem to have come to a good decision.

I'd add that there is far less of a cataclysmic identity change when you add a second child to your family than when you have your first. All the big changes you describe have already happened, so although there are plenty of changes and challenges to come, I don't think they rock your sense of self like pfb does.

Hope all goes well.

MrsJayy · 11/09/2016 11:47

Take your son out of nursery and go to your sisters it is fine nursery wont care he is 3. I think your Mil just got a bit overexcited about the thing and didn't think it through properly I don't think she meant any harm. Arrange now to visit your sister it will give you something to look forward to you might not get PND second time round(i didn't) it is a horrible illness and least if you know you will be at your sisters it is a safety net.

WankingMonkey · 11/09/2016 15:03

Ahh I think they should have spoken to you first about it, but as that hasn't happened and its all arranged, you kinda just need to manage..

I know how scary it seems with a toddler and a new b aby. DD was 2 when DS came along and DH worked nights and often stayed at his fathers as he didn't finish til 4/5am sometimes. I absolutely shat myself the first night I was left alone with them...didn't help that DS had colic either. But its something you kinda need to get used to. I expect he would watch them both if you had something planned?

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