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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to realise ive been a project

32 replies

Verticalvenetianblinds · 23/08/2016 18:45

became friends with a sweet lady who has a kid a similar age to ds, lots in common, and we struck up an instant friendship. over the last 2 years she has been a massive support to me, stepping in when dh was a prick, offering me a place to stay etc. huge support when ds was v ill, always at the end of the phone etc. but recently my life has taken a turn for the positive. no major dramas. ive tried to maintain the relationship - without much back from her.
she has been posting pics on fb of her and a 'new' friend. she seems to be in quite a volatile relationship and keeps posting about how my friend is a rock etc...

ive been pretty much cut off now, for every 3 texts i get 1 back with one word answers. shes turned down invitations of childcare over the summer, failed to confirm/turn up to the one meeting we had arranged ages ago.

aibu to think i was a project, and now i dont 'need' her she doesnt want to know?
how did i not see this coming?! feel like a lost kid in the playground :(
why do some people need a crisis to make their lives more exciting?

OP posts:

Maroonie · 23/08/2016 18:48

I think some people like to spend time with people who are having a difficult time because it makes them feel better about their own life.
Or she might just feel like her new friend needs her more just now so she is making her a priority.
Have you tried to talk to her directly?

mrsfuzzy · 23/08/2016 18:50

might be time to let this one go if she's not responding.

myownprivateidaho · 23/08/2016 18:53

Well I guess I'd just try to see the relationship in a positive light if you did get something out of it. It's strange, but maybe just see it as her having her weakness just like everyone else. It's hurtful to be dropped though, sorry.

SandyPantz · 23/08/2016 19:23

yup, what is the less dramatic version of a coffin chaser?

in my experience of this type of "friend", despite her refusing to let you reciprocate the help because her identity is so tied up in being the helper, she'll almost certainly be bitching to her new friend about what a taker you were and how much she did for you

Laiste · 23/08/2016 19:28

A foul weather friend i'm afraid OP. They love the drama, love to be useful. Can't do 'normal' friendship.

maisiejones · 23/08/2016 19:30

I had a toxic friend like this. Wonderful when things weren't good for me but hateful and emotionally abusive when I was happy. I had to end the friendship.

Blueberry234 · 23/08/2016 19:30

It's shit I've been there, even watched her drop other people but slightly smug that she wouldn't drop me .... Take a deep breath chalk it up to experience and live your life

SandyPantz · 23/08/2016 19:39

Her narrative is probably that you dumped her first.. by the defaul of having no dramas for her to be involved in for a while….

I was friends with someone like this when I met my DH, she tried to split us up!
Prior to that she was great to me, helped me move house, came round when my weird flatmate was being weird and freaking me out a bit, wing womaned on nights out….
… she did NOT like that I found a relationship that was working and didn't need her sympathy (although for a while I still tried to hang out with her)

myownprivateidaho · 23/08/2016 19:42

I don't agree that it's right to see this person as toxic or emotionally abusive. And fwiw I don't think it will help the op to see her this way. It's sad to find out that she's like this, but I still think you should try to see the positive in what she did. I personally doubt she was acting cynically or even was fully aware of what she was doing.

myownprivateidaho · 23/08/2016 19:44

Also is it possible she hasn't dropped you but just feel you need her time less now? Or perhaps she is overwhelmed with helping her new friend. If you say she helped you a lot perhaps she wears herself out looking out for others. Given your past relationship, I'd be looking to put the best possible spin on this.

Heidi41 · 23/08/2016 19:56

looks like your relationship was codependant and your relationship changed when you didn't need her anymore , it's a shame but look at it like this she was there for you when you needed her , you don't need her now, good luck op and try not to feel too bad about this my dear

tava63 · 23/08/2016 20:10

Do you think it's worth asking her if something is wrong?

Original poster

Verticalvenetianblinds · 23/08/2016 20:12

its made me question a few conversations we had.
but maybe shes not very happy. will move on.

its hard coz i dont make friends easily!

OP posts:

GarlicMistake · 23/08/2016 21:05

This is okay. There's some saying about having different friends for different phases of your life. It would be very unfair to view this friendship darkly - you've been through some real shit; how would it have been if you'd only had jolly good-time pals during these times?

I think it's respectful to leave her to do things her way, but keep the lines open. She might need you at some point (the 'takers' rarely come back to 'give' when needed, so this is important.)

One small thought - have you thanked her completely for all of her support? I'm not saying it would be a big deal, but maybe a nice thing to do if you want to keep the terms good.

Sooverthis · 23/08/2016 21:14

Foul weather friend what an amazing and incredibly apt phrase

Bluebolt · 23/08/2016 21:18

When friendships are built around certain dynamics they can suffer when circumstances change, both sides need to get accustomed to the new balance.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 23/08/2016 21:19

Perhaps her perception is that it's been one sided - did you support her in the same way if/when she needed it?

sunshineandmarbles · 23/08/2016 21:20

YABU, I think. I agree with myown - she hasn't been horrible at all! I can't see how it is a bad thing to be there for you when you're having a tough time.

She's helping other people too - I think that's lovely, and some of the responses here seem quite unwarranted.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 23/08/2016 21:22

Was she a good friend when you were still friends?
Isn't that what matters more?

Friendships dynamics change and sometimes friendships survive, sometimes not. People grow apart for many different reasons.

Let it go.

Original poster

Verticalvenetianblinds · 23/08/2016 21:27

she was a great friend when it mattered, i would go round with wine after a drama to thank her.
hopefully shes being as supportive to her 'new' friend.
will keep the channels open from my end tho, i may have another drama i need her to get involved with!

OP posts:

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 23/08/2016 21:41

You sound very bitter and jealous about her new friend.

No one owes someone else a relationship or friendship. You can't force it.

Let it go.

Original poster

Verticalvenetianblinds · 23/08/2016 21:57

what coz i put new in inverted commas?
phew what it must be like to be so judgemental.
at no point have i expressed jealously or bitterness. will reserve my punctuation usage from now on incase of misinterpretation

OP posts:

Bluebolt · 23/08/2016 22:02

I have a friend who I met while she went through a nasty divorce and we bonded over our ex's similarities. Once her divorce was settled it became clear we had nothing else in common. We remained friendly and the friendship has grown but nowhere near that early period.

PersianCatLady · 23/08/2016 22:06

Perhaps she thrives on "fixing" people whose lives are "broken"?

I would move on if I were you.

Also at least the roles weren't reversed and you helped her get her life back on track and as soon as she was doing well again she dumped you.

I don't know if that makes it any better but I thought I would try.

reader77 · 23/08/2016 22:10

She sounds like my mum.

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