to realise ive been a project

[Verticalvenetianblinds]

became friends with a sweet lady who has a kid a similar age to ds, lots in common, and we struck up an instant friendship. over the last 2 years she has been a massive support to me, stepping in when dh was a prick, offering me a place to stay etc. huge support when ds was v ill, always at the end of the phone etc. but recently my life has taken a turn for the positive. no major dramas. ive tried to maintain the relationship - without much back from her.
she has been posting pics on fb of her and a 'new' friend. she seems to be in quite a volatile relationship and keeps posting about how my friend is a rock etc...

ive been pretty much cut off now, for every 3 texts i get 1 back with one word answers. shes turned down invitations of childcare over the summer, failed to confirm/turn up to the one meeting we had arranged ages ago.

aibu to think i was a project, and now i dont 'need' her she doesnt want to know?
how did i not see this coming?! feel like a lost kid in the playground :(
why do some people need a crisis to make their lives more exciting?

Similar to Bluebolt I had a friend who was going through bad relationship stuff and would always offload on me about her DH, DSCs etc. She then got in trouble at work and tried to drag me into it. I took a step back and had to defend myself to the bosses (I hadn't been involved at all, even though she said I had been). She was suspended and during that time her relationship improved. I kept trying to stay in touch to make sure she was OK, but she was too busy posting on FB about hottub parties with new friends. She came back to work and accused me of blanking her until I showed her my message history at which point it turns out she'd changed her number and not let me know.

To top it all off, I ended up getting made redundant and she blocked me on Facebook (still hadn't given me her number) practically before the office door had closed behind me.

Later on I found out from a colleague I stayed in touch with that she ended up being sacked for gross misconduct and had once again tried to blame me, even though the dates of what she did were after I'd left silly bint !

My Mum reckons she was running scared after all the bitching I'd listened to about her DH and his kids (she had no kids of her own) and how she wanted to divorce him or throw the kids out etc and thought that somehow I'd tell him or something.

All I know is I was good enough when her life was shit, and she thought I'd be a good scapegoat too.

OP you don't need a friend like this, or one like I had. Friendships can survive good and bad stuff. Another friend and I got in touch today after a few months of both being too busy to catch up and it was lovely, no hard feelings on either side and definitely no blanking.

Verticalvenetianblinds She sounds like she helped you a lot and you are not very happy she is busy with someone else and have now seen yourself as a project. I think you are being harsh on her and yourself. Some people like to help others, it doesn't mean they see them as a 'project'.

What does " shes turned down invitations of childcare over the summer" mean? Does it mean that you've asked her to look after your children and she has not been free?

I think it would be helpful to have a chat and make sure she knows you value her friendship even if she cannot do favours for you. If she wishes to move on, you can too. But I think rather than viewing it that you were someone how used as a project you could choose to view it that she was there when you needed her. Maybe you will have the chance to do the same for someone else in the future.

Plus you say "its hard coz i dont make friends easily!" But maybe you will in future. Maybe she has helped you through a tough patch and you can go on to make new friends.

Just make sure she knows that you are grateful for all her help and value her friendship for her, not just for what she can do for you.

Re "I had a toxic friend like this." It doesn't sound toxic to help someone when they need it.

Oh heck. Sorry that you are upset OP, I mean this in the nicest way but could she possibly have got worn down with supporting you?

I had a friend and colleague who was constantly involved in all kinds of dramas/ boyfriends/ work related/ legal problems etc. I tried my best to be there for her, to the point that my own family was actually coming second to her needs at times. Eg asking if I could go round to console her late at night for hours. She very rarely asked about me and how I was or thought about how her demands might be affecting others.

In the end I just couldn't take it anymore and the minute her life started to pick up I was out of there. I am not saying that this is the case at all for you but from my own experience I wouldn't judge her too harshly.

Could it be that she became emotionally drained helping you through your bad patch and felt she needed to back off a little? I have been through something similar (still ongoing) where I really did everything I could to help a friend through a terrible time but eventually it started impacting on my own relationship and family (she would come round, barely ask about us then monopolise the conversation for several hours oblivious to the fact the children needed attention or my partner had arrived home and needed a hug and a cup of tea). I gave her hours and hours of practical, emotional and financial help but it was exhausting.

So at times I have backed off and probably become a bit distant, particularly when she's been a bit happier or had the support of others around her. I normally get my energy back and can then support her again (her bad situation is ongoing unlike yours ).

I'm not saying you are in any way like her but just offering another alternative scenario. Let her know how much you appreciated what she did for you and maybe suggest a treat you know she 'd appreciate ..joint manicures? If she keeps giving you the cold shoulder then maybe the relationship isn't worth saving? I hope you sort it out x

Yup, I have been there too.

Great friend when I was in a really low place. Very loudly supportive.

Soon as things turned positive, she started playing games and going MIA and, I found out later, bitching about me in the "what a taker" kind of way.

Oddly even when I "needed" more support, I still found that aspect of the friendship a bit much and did my best to change the dynamic.

She is on my FB now and I see her doing the same thing with another mutual friend... It's very odd behaviour. In her case, it's very clearly a case of avoiding her own (significant!) issues...

You know what I would do? Send her a nice card and say that you really appreciated all her help, that she was a solid reliable friend, that you miss her.

She was a big help to you at a time when you needed it badly, so no bitter lemons, just appreciate that she was there when you needed her.

what it boils down to is that friendships that are only good when you fit a certain dynamic (be it the "single one", "the couple friend", the "good for nights out" one, the "helpful one" or the "project who needs help" one) are never healthy and always turn sour if your dynamics change.

Real friends worth keeping don't change when your circumstances do.

This is the same thing as the friends you lose when you go from single to couple, or from couple to divorced etc.