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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stay single rather than settle?

43 replies

user785 · 22/08/2016 00:30

I ended my last relationship because I realised how selfish and lazy my BF was. I'm getting on a bit and I think life is too short to waste it on someone who really isn't that into you.

My mum thinks I'm being unfair and I'm going to die alone and miserable and at least Mr Selfish was better than Mr Alkie. Hmm

AIBU to think it's better to be on your own than settle? I know as I get older I'm running out of choices, but honestly, when the choices are this shit, isn't it better to just reject them all?

OP posts:
Stoneagemum · 22/08/2016 00:35

I agree, why should I settle for mr not quite right but better than some, than be happy as I am without having to take someone else's needs into consideration that don't match with mine so the overall effect is in less happy as I have to compromise more than I am lonely.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/08/2016 00:36

I think the older people get, the more discerning they get; they know their own minds, they know how they like to do things. All of my long term single mates are very very choosey, even the ones that weren't that picky when they were young.

Original poster
user785 · 22/08/2016 00:55

@Stoneagemum Being lonely isn't nice, but I think you can be lonely in a relationship and that can be even worse than being lonely on your own.

@TinklyLitteLaugh Oh, I'm more choosey now. But given younger me chose to waste 10 years on an alcoholic, I don't think choosey is the worst thing.

OP posts:
Queenbean · 22/08/2016 00:57

I agree OP. I'd rather be single and happy than in a relationship but feel like I'm settling

My mum has told me I'm too choosey but being with someone you're not that hot on forever is a bloody long time

TaterTots · 22/08/2016 01:46

Yeah, this drives me nuts. Sometimes it's the supposed compliments ('But you're far too nice/attractive to be single') that actually suggest the only possible reason not to tie yourself to another person is that you're a hideous old bag. Other times it's the rather more blunt 'You're STILL single? After all this time?' And then, God forbid, the oh-so 'helpful' advice.

RaggyDoll1 · 22/08/2016 08:18

I have 3 girls and I would rather they found the right man and not settle. No one is perfect but Mr alkie and Mr selfish sound awful!

Pardonwhat · 22/08/2016 08:21

Nah you're doing the right thing.
I'm always moaning that some of my friends can go from one great relationship straight into another but when I sit back and look I realise that their partners are not ones I'd want and their relationships are very much settling.

MatildaOfTuscany · 22/08/2016 08:25

I've never settled, and have led a happy, interesting, full life. I've had relationships, some long-ish ones and one thing that strikes me in retrospect is that most of the really fun, interesting stuff I've got done in life has been done while single - in relationships, I've always found my interests get sidelined relative to his. And I have friends who've settled, and frankly their relationships look a bit shit compared to relationships where both partners are really into one another. Don't settle - it's crap!

WingsofNylon · 22/08/2016 08:28

Slightly depends. In your example, yes you are better off alone. But I don't know friends who would consider anything less than perfection in trivial areas like hair style or hobbies to be settling which seems extreme. So Yanbu for not settling for being treated badly.

TheNaze73 · 22/08/2016 08:30

YANBU in the slightest. You only get one shot at life, why waste it with someone, who doesn't tick all your boxes

jopickles · 22/08/2016 08:32

I have just made the decision to do this myself, I would rather spend my life doing things that make me and my daughter happy then been miserable just for the sake of having a relationship that you know isn't right for you

MadisonMontgomery · 22/08/2016 08:36

Honestly, I have a happy, good life on my own. If I meet someone amazing - great. But I've seen too many women settle for anyone who'll have them and it all end in tears for me to do the same.

Cathaka15 · 22/08/2016 08:37

You should not settle. It's a bad idea. But imo you should not stop looking for mr right.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 22/08/2016 08:46

YANBU. A short scan through AIBU posts makes it pretty clear how much happier a lot of people are without a 'd'h.

People are so well connected with technology and ease of travel these days. Why would you be lonely just because you don't have a man in your life? Especially if you don't even like him.

Join clubs, have dinner parties, go where you like, do what you want. Gosh, what's not to love?

expatinscotland · 22/08/2016 08:48

'My mum thinks I'm being unfair and I'm going to die alone and miserable and at least Mr Selfish was better than Mr Alkie. hmm'

Oh, FFS! She's ridiculous. How sad and desperate, that she'll take any man as is too afraid to be alone.

You're doing the right thing. Build an active life with friends and family.

Lesley1980 · 22/08/2016 08:51

You might die alone but it's better than living a miserable life with someone until you die.

I'd rather live my life free, happy & single.

mummymeister · 22/08/2016 09:58

My Nan always said that there is no such thing as Mr Right, only Mr Compromise. the issue for everyone is what you are prepared to compromise on and making sure that you keep on the compromise side of the line rather than the settling side of the line.

no one is perfect. everyone has something about them that truly gets on your nerves but I guess it is about weighing everything up with each person.

anyone holding out for the perfect partner has a very, very long wait in my opinion.

If you live your life for you and do what you want when you want rather than putting things on hold until you are in a relationship/married/whatever then that has to be the way to go.

Kittencatkins123 · 22/08/2016 19:13

No YANBU!!!!!!!

I'm in the same boat - my mum is actually pretty okay about it but don't get my gran started (though I love Gran and get that she's 90 and just wants to see me settled down etc).

Find it frustrating when some people think I should panic/settle/massively compromise when they never had to! (Also do worry that I am too fussy etc try to talk myself into settling sometimes but to no avail). Generally people are just being nice/concerned I will end up mad, sad old cat lady but still... I refuse to settle, I don't want to, and my cat is bloody amazing.

If I settle down (not settle!) I want it to be with someone I actively want to spend the next 50 (possibly) years with, not someone okay/inoffensive/ticks the odd box but I'm not excited about (nb can still have flaws).

Also I wonder how many people get grilled over 'why they haven't found their dream job' or 'why they don't have a squat-tastic ass' with quite the same tactless regularity?

Stay strong OP and I will too Grin

ForalltheSaints · 22/08/2016 19:17

YANBU.

Washbasket · 22/08/2016 19:20

YANBU!

VestalVirgin · 22/08/2016 19:34

Also I wonder how many people get grilled over 'why they haven't found their dream job' or 'why they don't have a squat-tastic ass' with quite the same tactless regularity?

Because people settle for crap jobs in order to pay the bills?
Young people who haven't any proper job at all do get grilled over finding one.

You don't need a partner like you need a job, so many people do without one, and there's more opportunity to make stupid suggestions.

Queenbean · 22/08/2016 19:36

People also tend to ask questions of single / unmarried people a lot as well

Everytime I've had a partner people have asked very soon "so when might you get married?". Errrr, when might you fuck off?

I'd never dream of saying to a married couple "so when might you get divorced?". Never sure why it's ok for people to be so bloody nosy about relationship preferences

formerbabe · 22/08/2016 19:43

I agree that you shouldn't settle

But...

There are no perfect men (or women). Everyone has flaws to a certain degree...it's about deciding what flaws you can live with and which are a deal breaker.

tigerdick · 22/08/2016 19:44

Most of my friends have settled big time and it just reinforces my desire not to.

A friend of mine is engaged to a multi-millionaire (inherited, not self-made). They have a baby, lovely flat, holiday homes around the world, travel by private plane, the whole deal. He's awful. No personality, not interested in world events, ill-mannered, has no hobbies outside of video games, doesn't work but makes her deal with the kid 100% of the time, literally has no redeeming qualities that I have ever seen in the time I've spent with them. I love money as much as the next girl but I'd rather live on benefits than put up his shit.

Crinkle77 · 22/08/2016 19:46

No you shouldn't settle. You won't be truly happy fulfilled if you do. You will constantly be wondering if there is anyone else out there.