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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she has no idea!

43 replies

george1020 · 13/08/2016 17:40

Friend has just got engaged I am really happy for her she has wanted it for a long time and soon to be DH is a nice guy so all good......

However friend is insanely adamant the wedding will cost £5000 and no more. Now I know you can do one cheaper but she wants all the bells and whistles in a woodland setting with live bands, catering, Pinterest/crafty stuff and a bloody expensive dress.
This would be fine normally I would just passively agree but she is wanting my advice and just will not believe me when I gently suggest she may need to rein in her ideas or get a bigger budget!

AIBU by pissing on her parade even though she keeps wanting my advice? should I just leave her to it and distance myself? Or can she really have all that for that budget? (I'm not an expert on costs of weddings tbh)

Need advice please mumsnet! And if you are happy to share your weddings and costs that would help a lot!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 13/08/2016 17:45

Once she starts to cost things she'll realise, won't she?

FuzzyOwl · 13/08/2016 17:46

It all depends really. Live bands and catering fluctuates massively in terms of cost.

I would just support her and she will either get a reality check when she starts looking for quotes or else what she wants will work out to be within her budget.

mrsfuzzy · 13/08/2016 17:48

smile, wave and agree, she'll soon get the message that things cost.

CaptainCrunch · 13/08/2016 17:48

Depends who she knows. My dh is in an excellent folk band who play all the standards for beer money.

LewisAndClark · 13/08/2016 17:50

Ours cost 5k.

We had a live band (DHs band), a disco (friend), another friend made our cake, we made the table decorations. My dress was £50 from eBay and we hired suits. The biggest cost was the venue and the meal.

It can be done.

Original poster
george1020 · 13/08/2016 17:51

Well she has started to cost things but separately and not putting it all down in a list and working out a total.
That's what I mean she is living in a dream world and burying her head in the sand.
She seems to think if she just keeps telling herself it will cost x amount then that's it.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 13/08/2016 17:51

It's still possible, if she organised the whole thing herself. We catered a wedding for 50 for under £1000 and that included a 3 course meal and a buffet at night. Maybe she knows someone who plays in a band that can do mates rates?

RaeSkywalker · 13/08/2016 17:51

She'll realise eventually if she really does want the kind of wedding that will cost more.

I guess it's do-able though: smallish guest list, second hand designer dress, BBQ instead of sit-down meal, etc.

BodsAuntieFlo · 13/08/2016 17:52

It depends if she gets mates rates on some things. We've hosted a couple of weddings in our barn which we never charged anything for, the band was a friends, the cakes made by a lovely lady in the village and the local pub did the bar and catering. Both weddings came in at under £3k. Both couples were married at a beautiful waterfall.

MoMandaS · 13/08/2016 17:57

Got married 7 years ago. The whole thing including my dress (500) and husband's suit (no bridesmaids) cost 6500. That was for 48 people with one buffet (not sit down meal as such) with 2 bottles of wine per table and post ceremony mulled wine, no wedding cars, evening do in a barn with a ceilidh band, drinks bought in by us and sold for a pound a pint/glass of wine, 50p for soft drinks. Bought the cake from m&s and mum and sister decorated it. Made the favours ourselves. Flowers were provided by the venue (to our specification).

ChocolateButton15 · 13/08/2016 18:01

Just let her get on with it. Once she pays out for a few things and the money starts being spent she will see it for herself. If you keep telling her she might think you are being jealous or taking the shine off her wedding

MrsBellefleur · 13/08/2016 18:04

Mine cost £5000 for 25 of us, sit down meal, no night do and my cake was a wedding present that a family friend paid a cake maker to do. Married in a registry office and free bar for everyone at the meal.

hungryhippo90 · 13/08/2016 18:06

It could be possible! Our wedding was v small. Think 26 ish people!
But we had everything (almost!)
My dress was £960+280 for alterations.
Can't remember cost of bridesmaids dresses, but we had 3 women, 2 girls ones. Shoes etc.
We did colouring books and twistables for the kids, got them lidded frozen cups too for reception which were refilled over the evening.

Down to food, 37.50 each for main meals- we then got a mini fish and chip and or sliders buffet for all at 15 is each....also had canapes which were £6 per person
Drinks budget of £40 per person, then they'd have to pay their way after.

Paid for hotel rooms too, only 11- as we were all families! But this was a huge chunk of our wedding budget. (£135sih for most rooms)

Also, flowers were a steal. I wanted speciality roses, the lady who did our flowers did the lot for less than most people wanted for one bouquet!

All in all, it was around 5ish K.

She will need to shop around, but it can be done.

SandyPantz · 13/08/2016 18:07

You can do all the frills for 5Kish if you go somewhere that sells it as a package.

Means you don't get a bespoke wedding, but you still get all the standard frills, drinks reception, sit down meal, cake, dancing.

Jizzomelette · 13/08/2016 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wellthen · 13/08/2016 18:10

If she wants your advice I don't see why you can't be honest. Cost, mostly, depends on quality (but also location, time of year etc). I think its fair to be honest with her that a florist that'll do it for a fiver per bouquet might not produce very nice bouquets. But it would be rude to mention money if she doesn't bring it up herself. As PPs say, she will soon realise.

SandyPantz · 13/08/2016 18:16

another way to do it VERY cheaply is to not set a fixed date, we got a quote from a very expensive luxury venue for nearly a third of its normal price because we didn't have a fixed date, and there was a day they were unlikely to fill.

I think 5k is a reasonable budget, even if you want frills, the trick is to avoid being charged "wedding tax", order a celebration cake instead of a wedding cake etc

HereIAm20 · 13/08/2016 18:18

I did a 3 course sit down do in marquee/barn location for 100 people supplying all drinks, friend made dessert and cake as present, friend and I made and bought decorations and I bought hlass jars and bowls etc in charity shops to do a colour schemd candy bar etc all for under £5k which was the budget. It took some work but can be done if you truly budget.

Coulddowithanap · 13/08/2016 18:26

I agree with it depends on who they know.

I have family members do things for gifts like my uncle who has a printing business did our invitations for free, my sister baked and decorated our cake. My dad knew who owned a gorgeous barn and we got that as a venue in return for fixing a few roof tiles. I did get an extravagant designer dress, it was worth 2k but got it for 1k with a bit of haggling as it was one that had been tried on lots before in the shop. That was the only thing I went mad on though, everything else was was got cheaper by haggling or bargain hunting on Google. We had an amazing bar company come that was free as long as guests spent over a certain amount, they charged local pub prices so guests were happy.

Ours cost less than £5000 and I got my dream wedding day so it is possible.

MissMargie · 13/08/2016 18:27

I would stay out of it.

Anything could happen - she could rein in her ideas, a rellie could give her the money she needs, it's not worth sticking your oar in when it's not wanted.

JudyCoolibar · 13/08/2016 18:29

Suggest gently to her that she starts putting everything together in a list with the costings. That should start to bring her home to reality.

x2boys · 13/08/2016 18:31

i got married on a friday which brought down the cost considerably , my mums friend made my dress and cake as a favour somebody i used to go to school with did the flowers whilst she was obviously still paid she was setting up as a florist on her own so her costs were considerably cheaper than a flower shop my entire wedding cost£1000 i only had 25 guests and a sit down meal though no evening do.

happypoobum · 13/08/2016 18:31

You do sound a bit jealous OP - did you spend a lot on your own wedding?

I spent less than that on mine and it was bloody lovely. I got my dress for £75 in a Pronuptia sale, DH hired his suit. DB took me to church in a friends Mercedes, DSIL did the cake, MIL did the flowers...... I could easily manage a memorable, enjoyable wedding for £5k.

DinosaursRoar · 13/08/2016 18:32

How about making her a spreadsheet with sums worked out for her to 'help' - breakdown of all the bits of the wedding, running total at the bottom, ask her for the numbers she's got so far, or suggest she plugs them in so "she can keep tabs on it all". Hand it over and then stand back. She'll see either her ideas cost too much or her budget it's enough.

Otherwise, stop discussing it, it's between her DP and her to work out how to pay for it all. I know a few people who claim their wedding cost £x amount because that's what the bill to the hotel was, that just paid for other things like cake, invitations, photographer, dress, bridesmaid/groomsmen outfits etc separately as they went along, paying some before, some after, stuck them on credit cards - but mentally the only cost was the big bill from the venue.

DeathStare · 13/08/2016 18:34

I think you might be misinterpreting what sort of advice she wants.

It sounds like she wants some to give opinions on dresses and cakes and bands rather than someone to help her stay on budget.

I'd just show interest in the pretty things she wants to discuss and if she mentions the budget suggest she sets up a spreadsheet and leave it at that.