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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to now know she is not a good friend....

39 replies

vxvz · 12/08/2016 12:32

My DD broke her neck in a serious car accident in early June. I texted one of my oldest and best friends to let her know on the day. She immediately replied with "Poor pet, give her our love" - not heard anything since......

...that's the end of the road isn't it? Gutted.

We used to spend a lot of time together as families (many joint holidays abroad etc) when the children were younger but not now that they are teens and have different interests. We live at opposite ends of the country (I am in Scotland, she is in Cardiff) and only get together once a year. I had noticed a withdrawal before this (takes 2 weeks to respond to a text, never texts me)....I feel stupid now - should have seen it coming.

OP posts:

Banana99 · 12/08/2016 12:35

No she's not - friends DD was poorly in hospital last year and I used to stop myself texting as didn't want to bother her - but I would at least once a week. To check in and to keep telling her I was thinking about them all the time (I was) and if she needed any help.

Lilaclily · 12/08/2016 12:36

It does sound like you've grown apart
I wouldn't text again and see if she makes the next move

Poor dd is she ok now ?

formerbabe · 12/08/2016 12:39

Im shocked by the text she sent you...sounds a bit casual to me in the circumstances...sort of text I'd send if my friend told me their dc had a cold or something.

Anyway...you are right..she doesn't sound like a good friend...these things happen and all you can do is concentrate on the people in your life who do care.

Hope your dd is recovering

Original poster

vxvz · 12/08/2016 14:51

Thanks all - it has all been v emotional (the big important stuff) for the last couple of months and I know I am tired and stressed so don't want to overreact and feel aggrieved....but I am shocked and hurt.

I haven't responded to the text from June as we were in the thick of it. I have lots of friends who were texting/supporting me daily at the time and are still supporting us (long rehab).

I am hurt on two levels - one her poor response at this dreadful time and then accepting that she must not want me in her life and has dropped me.

I suspect we might get a text at the end of the month when older DD GCSE results are out and she will want to nose. Do you take the opportunity to say you are disappointed not to hear from her or just ignore her or just respond politely, ignoring the rest of it and say - yes she got 10xA*/10xFails

OP posts:

itsmine · 12/08/2016 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatildaTheCat · 12/08/2016 14:59

No, she is not your friend. If she is cheeky enough to text you should ignore. However, I rarely take my own advice and might just be tempted to go down the PA route with, 'Gosh, what a strange question about GCSE results when DD has such very serious injuries- it's hardly our top priority right now but we are very pleased. Thanks for caring.'

Then ignore future texts which I doubt you'll receive.

Very best wishes to your dd for both a full recovery and the results she is hoping for.

StealthPolarBear · 12/08/2016 15:16

Any chance she glanced at it and saw "leg"?

Original poster

vxvz · 12/08/2016 15:26

Stealth - no that was not possible.

OP posts:

blondieblondie · 12/08/2016 15:33

Wow, YANBU. When my friends tell me their kid so much as has a tummy hug, I text and check up the next day, etc.

Reply to her if she asks about results and just say "yes, she got (whatever) and we are beyond proud of her considering the upheaval in our lives these last few months" or words to that effect. Then ditch her.

Chippednailvarnishing · 12/08/2016 15:39

My DD was diagnosed with a serious condition needing neurosurgery and a close friend did something similar, it's just so cold.

If she texts you again I'd be tempted to reply with "Sorry, who is this?" And then ignore her, your response will irritate her

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 12/08/2016 15:58

I am so sorry about your DD and I wish her healing

I agree that the best way to handle it is:
delete her number
delete her contacts
and kind of process the completion

If she is a friend she should (a) realise that she has been shit, and she needs to crawl a but

and focus on the dear friends that DID text, deleting her creates the space for good and better friends, I mean that

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 12/08/2016 16:00

and what matilda says, and really if she contacts to nose about GCSE results she is a fucking waste o space

sorry

pensivepolly · 12/08/2016 16:16

Unfortunately you often learn who your true friends are - and aren't - when you or someone you love has a serious accident/illness/crisis such as your family have had. She doesn't sound like a real friend. I hope very much that your daughter is all right and getting better.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 12/08/2016 16:17

She could have responded. I wonder if serious illness/injury scares her - she may not know what to say or how to deal with it and finds it hard to cope with therefore she's hung on and on - and now it's embarrassing due to the length of time. It depends on how forgiving you feel whether or not you give her another chance.

FinnegansCake · 12/08/2016 16:17

She sounds heartless, to be honest. Even if your friendship has cooled off due to time and distance, there is no excuse for such a casual reaction to a serious injury like that. You were once close friends, she knows your daughter - you're not vague acquaintances. You don't need someone so uncaring in your life, don't ever contact her again.

A similar thing happened to me. I texted someone I considered a very close friend to tell her my DH had just had life-saving surgery, got a quick reply of "all the best, thinking of you" and then ... zilch. She never phoned to see how he was (long convalescence) even though she knew him very well. She eventually turned up five months later, cried and said she was sorry, and didn't understand why she hadn't been in touch. Our friendship never recovered.

biggles50 · 12/08/2016 16:17

Your poor daughter. That is devastating for you all. I know just how you feel, I had who I thought was a great friend, I listened to all her tales of woe and would drop everything to see her when she called. Then my ds became seriously ill and was in hospital for weeks. I told her the day he went into hospital. She made all the right noises and then nothing. I tried a few calls and waited pathetically for her to throw me a crumb of attention. Nothing. I realised who my real friends were after that. I dropped her, over time and she didn't bother. So drop her, go to your real friends for support and forget her. She's shown her true colours. .best wishes to your dd.

FuckFaceMagee · 12/08/2016 16:19

Never mind your 'mate'

How is your daughter? Recovering well I hope?

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 12/08/2016 16:30

How's your DD doing?

It does seem like the friendship is over. The only thing that might make me reconsider is if she is struggling with depression - and it's not always obvious. But if she does text re GCSE results, I'd say you can pretty much rule that out.

Goingtobeawesome · 12/08/2016 16:34

Just typed and it crashed. Fucking iPad.

I'm sorry for your daughter accident and your stress with all related stuff. Your friend sounds rubbish.

ive had two friends in the last year disappear and I'm just giving up in all of them to be honest. One didn't like me telling her she had upset me. Ignored my last letter and text. Ignored my DC birthday. Someone attempting to sound like someone else sent a text from her phone but I didn't reply. Nothing since. 20 years friendship.

Friend 2 - replies to text but ignored big stuff several times. Disagreed with how we dealt with something. Have had a couple of regular texts since but then five months ago I had horrible news and isolated myself. I decided not to tell her and haven't shared any family news since as I just feel shit when I get nothing back. Time flew by but I could have texted her. 30 year friendship.

KC225 · 12/08/2016 16:50

That is a very cold text to send? I know there is no correct thing to say but a follow up how is DD/you all doing, would not have taken a lot of effort. I would find it hard to come back from that unless there was a bloody good reason.

If there is a GCSE nose text, I would reply something like 'I am busy with DD'S broken neck and recuperation, if you need to know DD results, I suggest you contact her directly.'

I wish your daughter well. What a horrible to happen

cosytoaster · 12/08/2016 16:54

Glad you've got support of other genuine friends. If she contacts again I wold ignore or go down the "who is this" and then ignore route. I'd also erase her from FB etc.

chough · 12/08/2016 16:54

Move on from her, OP, you have enough worries on your mind.
Some people just don't see beyond their own little world, and she sounds like one of them.

MrsDeVere · 12/08/2016 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 12/08/2016 16:59

I'm so, so sorry about your DD . How is she doing now?

My family was hit by a couple of tragedies last year. I've come to realise that finding out who is there (and who is not) is part and parcel of the experience. It really hurt to find out who didn't give a damn but at the end of the day, I would rather have known.

Perhaps it's wrong, but I haven't wanted to see the 'friends' who refused help/didn't get in touch during that time. I certainly wouldn't want to give information on a child's exam results to a friend who didn't get in touch to find out how said child was doing in those circumstances.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2016 17:03

People move on I'm afraid and can be heartless in the process. Even if you've grown apart, it would have been respectful to honour the former close friendship with you. As adults, we think friendships are more stable. However, many people still act like volatile teenagers. Unless you have suffered/suffer chronic illness or injury, it is difficult for others to contemplate your suffering let alone comprehend it. Rather than confront the reality, some choose to deny or ignore it perhaps by removing themselves from the situation. Either because you're boring/tedious as you never get better or because it's almost as though it reminds them of their mortality and is in some way "infectious". I know you're not the one, physically suffering, but you are deeply involved in your dds recovery and are therefore no longer available in the same way as before. I hope your DD gets stronger.

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