to now know she is not a good friend....

[vxvz]

My DD broke her neck in a serious car accident in early June. I texted one of my oldest and best friends to let her know on the day. She immediately replied with "Poor pet, give her our love" - not heard anything since......

...that's the end of the road isn't it? Gutted.

We used to spend a lot of time together as families (many joint holidays abroad etc) when the children were younger but not now that they are teens and have different interests. We live at opposite ends of the country (I am in Scotland, she is in Cardiff) and only get together once a year. I had noticed a withdrawal before this (takes 2 weeks to respond to a text, never texts me)....I feel stupid now - should have seen it coming.

Yeah I had a best friend who I texted that my mum was in the hospice. This was about August. Her answer was staggering in its blandness and I remember looking down at the phone and realising I was never going to hear from her again. She wanted me to be her shoulder to cry on, not the other way around.

She never even came to the funeral in October. In my weaker moments I would say "well maybe that's my fault as I didn't actually text her to tell her that mum was dead", but then DH would remind me that I had actually used the word HOSPICE.

That New Years I got a surprise NY text from her "It's all been a bit strange hasn't it? Hope to meet soon". I gaped at it.

I answered very formally "Happy New Year to all your family" and nothing else. She got the message and I never heard from her again. I grieved for a long time but now I think she was a shit friend who wanted a therapist rather than a true mate. I'm better off.

DD doing as well as can be expected but it's a long road mentally and physically. It is my other DD waiting on exam results. PP suggested that friend might have a fear /phobia of accidents etc - but she is a midwife so I am sure she could take if in her stride. Maybe something hideous has happened in her life subsequently which prevented her from making contact. Just need to let her move on. I had no expectations of her coming up to visit etc - just a text or two checking in. But as you have said there were very many people who stepped up and genuinely cared. She has had a v charmed life to date, no bereavements, tragedies etc so maybe just doesn't get it?

Yes I think you're right. She probably just doesn't get it.

Good luck to your DD. I'm glad she's going in the right direction.

A broken neck should be pretty easy to get though.

Somnglad your DD is on the road to recovery OP and hope DD2 gets the results she's hoping for. .

I had a similar situation with an old friend. Had spent the run-up to, Christmas and NY helping & running to and from local hospital while her DH was in. He recovered, went back to work - and I collapsed & was rushed into hospital. When my DH told her, the very first quetion she asked was 'well you're still having the dog this weekend though aren't you?'. Hubby was gobsmacked. Friendship has not really recovered (I was seriously ill & needed surgery for which I had to wait 8 weeks so they could stabilise me, & took 8 months to recover). During recovery she had dramas and wanted me to pick uomthe pieces too. Been nearly 3 years and although we speak now, we will never be close again.

If your 'friend' does contact you, just be polite & say something along the lines suggested by a couple of PP

Good luck with your DD continued recovery

If you are in Scotland why are you waiting on GCSE exam results?

VXVX

Scottish results came on Tuesday op, why would you be "waiting" on them? Very strange

Thanks I will not engage or bring it up if she gets in touch, will just keep a polite distance as we have had enough to occupy our energy/emotions.
DDs are educated over the border.

She may be waiting on GCSE results as some schools in Scotland sit them. My daughter for example has a Music Alevel and we're in Scotland.

Some people can be real emotional vampires. It hurts when you discover that someone you held dear is like this, a taker, and your friendship doesn't extend to supporting you. I've lost a couple of friends and felt worse than breaking up with a boyfriend/lover. It's not what you need when you're going through a tough time but it seems that it's common that this is when friendship cracks become apparent, as it's just too much for these 'friends' to give back emotional support.

Firstly, I hope your DD is recovering well. I had (notice the had) a friend whom I supported all through her divorce, even attended the arbitration during separating finances. When my DP was seriously ill did I hear anything, did I buggery apart from her telling me about her new man, yuck. I have completely withdrawn from the friendship, she hasn't noticed.

It's really not nice to discover the disparity between what you think the relationship is, and what the other person thinks it is.