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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to kill my friend?

46 replies

ProfessorPreciseaBug · 01/08/2016 07:49

No he hasn't done anything wrong.

He has brain cancer. Gleo Blastoma Multiform to be exact. He went into a nursing home in Feb to give his wife a weeks respite and has never left. The cancer is inoperable and has not responded to treatment.

So we are simply waiting till he dies.
Somehow he is not dead.
He can't speak.
He can't get out of bed.
He can't even feed himself.
There is no look of recognition on his face when I go to see him.
He simply stares ahead.

Somehow his wife keeps visiting him every othe day. She is going through hell. And back in a handcart.
She can't get on with her life whilst he is not dead..
But in every reasonable sense, he is already dead.
Except his body still has a pulse.

The RSPA would prosecute anyone who treated an animal like that. But if I did something, I would be in court for murder.

So I have to wait. And his wife is being forced to suffer.

OP posts:

Dozer · 01/08/2016 07:52

I am pro euthenasia, and it sounds awful, but it's really not your place.

EeksyPeeksy · 01/08/2016 07:52

I understand that it's hard seeing someone like that but the tone of your post and title doesn't sit very well with me... it comes across very detached from the situation and quite blunt and uncaring which is not how I'm sure you meant it.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/08/2016 07:54

Sorry, it sounds awful for you all.

user7755 · 01/08/2016 07:55

I have reported this and asked for the title to be changed, whilst you raise some valid points there are people using the boards who are going through their own health battles and your title is very insensitive.

OohMavis · 01/08/2016 07:57

Your poor friend, his poor wife. It sounds really awful. But I'm afraid I agree with Eeksy, I think you may come back to this post when you are less upset and regret your wording here.

That's not to diminish how you're feeling at all. I can just imagine it won't be nice to read back to yourself later/tomorrow. Maybe have a word with mumsnet?

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 01/08/2016 07:57

To me, your post sounded as if you are indescribable pain. I feel SO sorry for you, your friend and his wife (and everyone affected by this) and no YANBU to want to help in this way. You are right, if anyone kept a dog alive like that they would (rightly) be prosecuted. I'm not a fan of euthanasia, but I've never been close enough to anyone in that position to feel that desperate. I have no advice, except to be strong for them, and offload to someone on the outside edge of this, your partner, parent, or friend who doesn't know them. I really wouldn't advise "killing" him, but I do understand why you want to. I'm so sorry, OP

glueandstick · 01/08/2016 07:59

Screw what others think of your title. It doesn't matter. You're expressing your pain. I'm so sorry for everyone affected- your friend, their family and all their friends. It's a horrid horrid thing to watch anyone go through.

You're a good friend. It's cruel and unjust. Remember the good times too. Cancer is such a bitch it doesn't deserve to rob people of the lovely memories and leave behind all that shit.

Original poster

ProfessorPreciseaBug · 01/08/2016 08:01

Easy,
I offer my apology for the phrasing of the title.. I am not sure how to put it.

Yes it is blunt.. in the end it would be blunt. To take a life is no easy thing. Could I do it even if I thought I would not be prosecuted? I am not sure.

I have been watching him degenerate from a lively bubbly friend into a living corpse... and for what? There is no dignity in his existence. No hope and there will be none.

Yet the law says he must exist until he dies. I suppose I am angry as much as anything else. I do not feel his family should not be made to suffer. Yet she stands by waiting and waiting. And what can she do?

OP posts:

annandale · 01/08/2016 08:02

Sounds like a waking nightmare. I doubt he is in pain at least. I hope a peaceful death comes soon.

Laiste · 01/08/2016 08:02

Such a difficult an emotive subject. So hard for his wife and for his friends to see this. It's what we all dread isn't it?

for OP and anyone reading who are going/have gone through similar.

There's no right or wrong way to express your distress. OP can vent here surely.

bollocksybollocks · 01/08/2016 08:02

I can understand why you would want to ease this pain for everyone involved and am so sorry you are going through this I can't imagine the anguish. For situations like this I am very much pro euthanasia.

acasualobserver · 01/08/2016 08:05

In these circumstances I think reporting the thread title is actually a pretty shit thing to do.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 01/08/2016 08:11

Have you spoken to his wife about how you feel, perhaps not quite so bluntly? I'm sure she hates seeing him like this, as much as you do, but she may equally treasure every second she gets to spend with him. While she can believe that he hears her. I think you probably need some real support, from someone who is experienced in this kind of thing, such as Macmillan or similar. Does your friend have this kind of support.

IJustLostTheGame · 01/08/2016 08:11

I remember being angry at the nurse when my uncle was dying. She gave just enough morphine to take the edge off for him. I wanted her to give the whole bottle. I'd have done anything to have taken those three days away from him. They were pointless pain causing days.
I can't imagine what it must be like going through it for months.

cherrytree63 · 01/08/2016 08:11

My husband was like this for the last few weeks of his life. You and your friends have my deepest sympathy.

ThoraGruntwhistle · 01/08/2016 08:11

It really is a cruel fucker of a disease
I'm very sorry for you, him and his family and other friends.

user7755 · 01/08/2016 08:11

I disagree completely. It's a fucking awful situation and MN can be a good place to get support but there are people who will be massively affected by the title because they are going through something similar. The only way to get it changed is to report it, if it is changed, more people may be able to engage with the thread. If it doesn't bother you, that's great but it clearly does bother other people.

DoItTooJulia · 01/08/2016 08:15

it's a cruel world. And you're right a pet would be put out of its misery.

I hope he has a swift and painless passage with his loved ones at his side.

davos · 01/08/2016 08:16

OP I know how you feel.

A few weeks ago I watched my grandfather in hospital. He had a stroke and slowly dies. There was nothing they could do. It was a few days not weeks. I felt the same though.

But I also agree that the title is very distressing. Especially to people who have just gone through this or are going through this.

Personally if I were you, I would ask for it to be changed with some warning on it.

Personally I found this distressing to read. I have been profoundly effected by my grandfathers death and watching it happen. I can't eat or sleep. If I had known what the thread was about I wouldn't have opened it. I did expect a thread about a friend who had done something infuriating.

to you all. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 01/08/2016 08:17

Yes you would be in court for murder as euthenasia is still illegal in the UK. Assuming you are in the UK.
However that's not to say I don't agree with euthenasia. Animals are put out of their suffering and pain. Why not humans.
However it's not your place.
Hopefully he'll slip Away very soon. Like you say. He is dead. He just has a pulse.
My mum was the same. Her spirit died long before her body did.
.

RageAgainstTheTagine · 01/08/2016 08:25

OP, I agree with you totally. The ONE thing that I fear about old age is this enforced life at any cost. Death is only a big deal for those left behind once you pass away, but dragging out the interim is just awful for everyone.
I hate the 'thin end of the wedge' argument as its just so stupid. No, giving people a dignified death is not then going to lead to open season on elderly relatives who might not want to die.

Laiste · 01/08/2016 08:31

I agree, perhaps the word euthanasia could be put along side the title, the way MN do.

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 01/08/2016 08:36

Woah, sorry, are we actually saying it's acceptable for US to decide when someone has reached that point?

I am fully in favour of permitting somebody to decide when they want to go but that decision needs to come from them, not their 'friend'

MorrisZapp · 01/08/2016 08:37

It's just awful, I feel for you. How is his wife coping? Me and DP have told each other that if anything like this happens we want to be put out of our misery. Have this couple had any conversations around end of life issues? Euthanasia is illegal but there may be options relating to removal of life support, sorry I know it's a grim thought.

My old gran is at the end but her heart keeps on going. The issues it creates are multiple and upsetting. I try to keep focusing on the person she was, the real her. But as weeks in the care home turn into months and now years, it's hard.

I'm so sorry for your friend.

Eeyore86 · 01/08/2016 08:38

My DP's father died yesterday, he deteriorated quite quickly but for a number of days he was in a similar situation to the one described above (thankfully nowhere as long as your friend OP) and I cannot explain how angry the situation made me, DP's DM, DP and his sibling went through hell in this situation and the waiting after treatment is withdrawal is like slow torture you wouldn't treat a dog like this why the hell do we do this to people? Surely a dignified death for both the person and the people they leave behind would be better then prolonging the suffering.

DP's DM said the above several times and I cannot disagree with her our situation was heartbreaking, OP your friends situation sounds horrific and although it won't make any difference my sincere sympathy to you and your friends family at this awful time

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