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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to kill my friend?

46 replies

ProfessorPreciseaBug · 01/08/2016 07:49

No he hasn't done anything wrong.

He has brain cancer. Gleo Blastoma Multiform to be exact. He went into a nursing home in Feb to give his wife a weeks respite and has never left. The cancer is inoperable and has not responded to treatment.

So we are simply waiting till he dies.
Somehow he is not dead.
He can't speak.
He can't get out of bed.
He can't even feed himself.
There is no look of recognition on his face when I go to see him.
He simply stares ahead.

Somehow his wife keeps visiting him every othe day. She is going through hell. And back in a handcart.
She can't get on with her life whilst he is not dead..
But in every reasonable sense, he is already dead.
Except his body still has a pulse.

The RSPA would prosecute anyone who treated an animal like that. But if I did something, I would be in court for murder.

So I have to wait. And his wife is being forced to suffer.

OP posts:

Devilishpyjamas · 01/08/2016 08:39

Don't assume his wife feels the same. She may do, but please don't assume it.

I hope he has a peaceful death when the time comes.

BastardGoDarkly · 01/08/2016 08:39

Oh op, I'm so very sorry for you all. I like to think if this was my DH I'd do it, but who knows come the hour.

Wishing you all strength, and a natural end to it very soon

RattusRattus · 01/08/2016 08:42

Oh my goodness. What an awful situation. It's ok to be angry - it's part of the grieving process which you have already begun because the man you knew is no longer here except in body. .

Is he totally non responsive? Can he blink once for 'yes' twice for 'no' or similar?

SitsOnFence · 01/08/2016 08:45

I am so sorry Professor

I don't have am opinion on the thread title, but I did want to gently correct the poster who said your tone was detached, blunt and uncaring. Detached, blunt and uncaring are very natural and healthy responses to horrific situations like these. Self preservation kicks in and protects us from 24 hour empathy. Thank fucking God.

Kalispera · 01/08/2016 08:47

I get it.

I'd kill my Grandad if I could. Alzheimer's. He's no quality of life at all, and he knows it.

Instead I just pray for a heart attack in his sleep.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 01/08/2016 08:49

I hate the 'thin end of the wedge' argument as its just so stupid. No, giving people a dignified death is not then going to lead to open season on elderly relatives who might not want to die

Agree with this.

So sorry your friend is going through this op. Sounds terrible.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 01/08/2016 08:53

I hate the 'thin end of the wedge' argument as its just so stupid. No, giving people a dignified death is not then going to lead to open season on elderly relatives who might not want to die

Another one here too. It's so stupid because you could argue that about lots of things: abortion for example and all they would need is to put in place rigorous rules that ensured the will of the sufferer was paramount.

for you OP. It must be hell for both you, his wife and your poor friend

Sixfifetree · 01/08/2016 08:54

I understand how you feel. I never gave up hope as that was all we had left. His wife may or may not feel the same.

(I agree about changing the title for the sake of anyone who may be going, or have gone, through similar and who may be turning to this for some ironic light-hearted banter as I did.)
OP sorry you too are going through this.

NoobThebrave · 01/08/2016 08:57

A terrible, awful situation to be in, as a sufferer and as someone who loves the person. It is said that your hearing is the last sense to go, so your visits will bring comfort to your friend...but one of the toughest things you will ever do. I hope you all find some peace soon.

I too clicked thinking it would be a humourous post about an annoying friend but that is the risk of social media. I have my own demons that some posts reach but you empathise or close....or stay away 💐

Original poster

ProfessorPreciseaBug · 01/08/2016 09:04

Many thanks everyone for your thoughts.

On reflection I choose to say kill because in the end that is what it is all about. One can sugar coat it wil pretty words like 'end his suffering' ... but in the final act it is deliberatly killing someone. The motive is humane but the act is still the same.

And because it is still the same the law is in a difficult place. I do wish our law makers were able to come up with a different attitude. I am sure if someone wanted to they could devise a set of circumstances where mercy killing would be allowed. But it seems the law makers don't want to do something.

OP posts:

Coconutty · 01/08/2016 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StrangeLookingParasite · 01/08/2016 09:11

In these circumstances I think reporting the thread title is actually a pretty shit thing to do.

Yeah, me too.

I'm so sorry, it's unbearably cruel, and unnecessary, which is the part I find the most frustrating. This doesn't need to happen. The law needs to change.

Excited101 · 01/08/2016 09:14

I totally agree with you op, it's an awful situation

JinkxMonsoon · 01/08/2016 09:16

I understand, OP.

I hope assisted suicide is made legal one day. I know that if I was diagnosed with terminal cancer or dementia, I would like the option to hasten my death at a time of my choosing. I watched my grandad die a long and horrible death from cancer, and my nan is in a care home with dementia. She's nowhere best as advanced as some residents, who howl for their mothers. I can't imagine their suffering - being so confused and frightened with no grip on reality. It's so cruel that people have to remain in that state until they die naturally.

Goingtobeawesome · 01/08/2016 09:27

Wow that's a hell of a title.

I hope your friends wife is okay. Does she know you've posted this ?

logosthecat · 01/08/2016 09:32

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a terrible kind of pain to lose the person before you lose the body.

I understand how you feel, and I think it's quite normal and rational. Please don't get the idea that you are a terrible person for thinking or feeling this way. Many others who have been in a similar place can understand.

Worrall20 · 01/08/2016 09:48

I am in the same situation as you, though not cancer dementia, I do not find the title upsetting or the comments detached or uncaring. I totally understand where you are coming from. It is a terrible situation to be in and people should be sending love and support not complaining about a title. I am sending you and your friend my very best wishes.

Tartyflette · 01/08/2016 09:51

This is very difficult. I do support an individual's right to end their life if they so choose and to receive help from relatives to do so without fear of prosecution but sadly this situation has gone far beyond that, and without an advance directive from the patient saying they do not wish to be given treatment (eg antibiotics if they had picked up an infection) or resuscitation there is little that can be done.

My DH has written clear and detailed instructions that he does not want any care or treatment that would prolong his life in such a situation and perhaps it's something that we can all think about doing.
But for dementia it's a whole different ball-game, patients are not generally in pain even if they have emotional distress like calling out for their mothers all the time (my own DM did this) and I could not have for one second contemplated hastening her death. Yes,she was a shell ofher former self but she was still very much alive and not in pain. Her eventual death, from pneumonia, was peaceful and, I admit, a blessed relief to me.
It is going to be very difficult to enact legislation to cover all the diffierent things that need to be considered to enable euthansia but I hope it will happen eventually.

WyldChyld · 01/08/2016 09:54

Having been through something similar, I completely agree. Particularly when the relative in common had already talked about not wanting it and it being cruel and you wouldn't do it to a dog. He'd have been devastated with how long he was like that and what we witnessed. Treat euthanasia like a combination between an abortion and an advance directive; two independent doctors must assess and approve, can opt out but must refer to a practitioner who will review, plus patient must consent themselves OR have an advance directive specifying if I am in x state, I do not want to live.

AnInterestingBabblement · 01/08/2016 09:54

Professor, I'm so sorry for what you are all going through. Cancer is indeed a fucker, and I completely understand where you are coming from.

Sadly I have experience of how relentless this is and the toll it takes everyone involved.

Without wanting to expedite your lovely friend's passing, I hope you all find peace soon.

ElsieMc · 01/08/2016 10:12

Sad, sad situation for you all. My DM had dementia and it was like the living dead. I felt her spirit and soul had already left, but her shell was left behind.

I still do not agree with assisted suicide. The care home pressed the Liverpool Care Pathway which has since been roundly criticised and now I feel guilt over this along with the stress of her prolonged death.

With dementia, sometimes there is something left. Around a week before she died, and not having spoken for a long time, I took some flowers in. As I walked out of the bathroom after washing the vase, she turned and said "they are lovely" then disappeared again.

I hope your friend passes peacefully.

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