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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave ball in his court?

39 replies

Looloomootoo · 11/07/2016 00:56

Seeing someone from dating app, he's self-confessedly v shy but nice IRL. When he first asked me out, it was in quite a roundabout way.

He said he was free until the 15th [random date] if I wanted to go for a drink (he was living in my area temporarily), left it to me to choose the time and place in a gentlemanly way. I thought that was fine as I knew the area better. He then asked me out again that same night for another time, but again I chose place and we mutually agreed time.

I then moved away. We messaged for a bit. He mentioned face-to-face at the time that he liked me a lot so i do think this is "his way"; he's not had a dp before but is young so not unusual I wouldn't think. My point is I don't think he's got shed loads of experience romantically with girls (no problem).

Anyway he has now appeared out the blue asking how I'm doing and seeing if I'm free (we are soon to be living fairly nearby). But has phrased it in his standard way i.e. to let him know when I'm free. But this is all in his area now. So he knows it well. I replied saying yes, I do want to meet but I refuse to do anything more!

Aibu to think if he wants to see me he can bloody well take me on a date, choose a place, a time and arrange it!!

OP posts:
whatamockerywemake · 11/07/2016 00:59

I think if you go this way, you'll wait forever. He's said he wants to see you but doesn't have whatever it takes to arrange something, so if you're interested then you need to set the itinerary.

But be warned, you're taking on a procrastinator, and it won't get better....

Original poster
Looloomootoo · 11/07/2016 01:02

Really? Urgh. I feel like he's protecting himself from potential rejection but equally if he wants to see me, I'd like to be properly asked out - is that asking too much? I feel like he does like me as he got in contact after six months of silence, and after finishing a contract abroad. So why not man up and ask me out properly

OP posts:
Original poster
Looloomootoo · 11/07/2016 01:08

Anyone been in similar situation?

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 11/07/2016 02:04

I've been in similar situations and I've ended up being very let down.

I've also had a little bit of confidence chipped away, each time.

If he's like that now, he won't get any better.

Original poster
Looloomootoo · 11/07/2016 02:10

Ok so no point in waiting it out then so that he gets the message? if he never messages, fine. But I resent being the one to be nice to him, if he's brave enough to get in touch, he's brave enough to plan something!

OP posts:
Somerville · 11/07/2016 02:21

However shy someone is, he now knows you want to see him again, so if he were to leave it to you to book it again that would seem more like laziness than shyness.

If you feel like you've set a precedent for you booking things, or that he thinks you might prefer to, send another message saying something like 'Thursday or Saturday works best for me next week. Let me know which, and what time and where to meet. Looking forward to it.'

DeathStare · 11/07/2016 04:10

If you want to go out with him just suggest where and when. In his head he has asked you out. He's not psychic - he doesn't know he hasn't used the exact form of words you like. In fact he probably sees it as him being considerate, letting you pick where and when is best for you.

If you like him and want to meet him again then just suggest a place and time, and then if it means that much to you tell him face to face that next time you'd like him to do that.

Original poster
Looloomootoo · 11/07/2016 09:17

It's not really that though DeathStare, it's the inability to plan anything or say much beyond a statement it that makes sense. I know these things are heard for men but it would mean a lot if he could manage to ask me out properly. All he's said in reply to my message is some chat back and "OK wonderful", that means I have to plan things essentially doesn't it?

OP posts:
apivita · 11/07/2016 09:23

perhaps you can narrow it down for him a little. It's abit (sounds like!) like trying to make a team work meeting. a lot of the time, it ends up being the boss (or their assistant) looking at their diary and then naming a couple of slots where people should be able to slot in. So, in your case, I'd say 'ok I'm free next Wednesday or Friday - over to you!'. and see what he says. If I were him, then I'd plump for 'ok Friday! at 7pm?'. something like that.

He might be 'worried' that if he names a time and place, you might say you aren't free (genuinely) and if he's that shy then he might see it as a setback when actually it's the evening you do yoga or something!

good luck.

OurBlanche · 11/07/2016 09:25

Nope! It means you reply 1 more time: Great! As it's your area I am hoping you can show me some nice places, I have no idea where to start. Next Friday at 7ish would be great Smile

Original poster
Looloomootoo · 11/07/2016 09:59

Really?

Friends have been telling me to leave it and see whether he says anything... But I'm not sure!

OP posts:
MoggieMaeEverso · 11/07/2016 10:03

Don't play games.

"Your turn to choose the place and time. Looking forward to it"

Then if he waffles you can tell him how irritating he is :)

MyKingdomForBrie · 11/07/2016 10:11

I'd say similar to Moggie - 'let me know where and when'

scaryteacher · 11/07/2016 11:28

It sounds like you need to be direct with him. I have come to the conclusion (after decades of research on the subject), that men don't pick up on the 'clues' or 'signals or non verbal communication the same way that women do. This has been frequently drawn to my attention over 30 years of marriage and also with having a son who is now 20. You have to tell them in fairly precise detail what you want.

He may be scared of rejection, and also not sure what the form is any more for this and not be wanting to offend you by being too pushy. You could just text back and say could he suggest a venue as you don't know the area all that well, thus giving him the opportunity to sort it all out.

OnesieTheQueensSelfie · 11/07/2016 12:03

Ok, I'm going to be direct with you.

Your friends might not realise they're doing it but they are encouraging you to play games.

To answer your aibu, I think you ab a little U to expect your date to read your mind. If you want him to ask you out with a time, date and venue planned, you have to let him know and give him a chance to do it and if it's just not who he is, find a man you're compatible with.

Original poster
Looloomootoo · 11/07/2016 16:29

Ok agreed!

The complication is that we need to meet in city c, which is halfway between both of us (we have a mutual connection to the city) so it does require some forward planning.

I told him I was going on holiday this week and I'll be back early next week but would be up for getting a drink when I'm back, his response was "ok great".

Do I reply now with potential days then or is it too far in advance? Normally I'd say too far in advance but given that we'd both have to travel into the city, I feel like I should.

OP posts:
OnesieTheQueensSelfie · 11/07/2016 17:09

I'd reply with something simple and straightforward like "looking forward to catching up" to show you're interested in seeing him again and that the ball is in his court to arrange a date.

Original poster
Looloomootoo · 11/07/2016 17:12

Haha he's literally done the same to me though, with his "ok great!" - it's a stalemate!!

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 11/07/2016 17:14

It's a bit radical, I know, but could you, well, you know call him and talk to him about it? Not right now maybe, but when you get back!

Break that stalemate...

OnesieTheQueensSelfie · 11/07/2016 17:16

You've more or less said you want a man who can take the lead so if he doesn't step forward then he's probably not the right man for you.

DanniiMinogue · 11/07/2016 17:20

Can you not jut call him? Surely that will resolve things once and for all ~ It doesn't sound as if he has the courage actually name a time/place and so you could be playing text tennis for some time.

DanniiMinogue · 11/07/2016 17:21

Oops crossed posts

OnesieTheQueensSelfie · 11/07/2016 17:24

Agree with posters who say call him when you're back from hol.

Original poster
Looloomootoo · 11/07/2016 17:31

No I really can't call him, we don't have that kind of relationship, it's really early days and that would be weird. But thanks!

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 11/07/2016 17:36

What??!!??

Oh that's too bloody modern and complicated for me.