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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I bought my only Birthday present from dh

34 replies

tooneedyme · 08/07/2016 13:07

It's my Birthday. When dh asked what I would like I said I couldn't think of anything. I went shopping with kids last weekend and bought myself a candle and said it could be part of my birthday gifts. He has produced only that and a card from him and one from the children. It's his Birthday next week and he has bought himself a watch costing £225 and trainers at £88. I've have him 6 other gifts to open on the day and planned a family day out and booked a surprise dinner for afterwards. AIBU for being upset? Should I speak up or let him work it out by himself when he sees the effort I've gone to?

OP posts:
summerskittles91 · 08/07/2016 13:10

I wouldn't give him the other 6 gifts.

You should really talk to him though, I can't see him figuring it out himself unfortunately.

MyKingdomForBrie · 08/07/2016 13:11

Ask him what the hell he was thinking!

dudsville · 08/07/2016 13:11

Ooh, that's uncomfortable. You need to discuss this and come to some sort of agreement. OH and I usually spend £100 on each other but decided to get some things for the house this year and forgo presents (which means we'll get each other a little trinket and a meal). We also have the £100 limit for chrsitmas's. It just helps if you both know where you stand. Have a quick calm word with him?

Birdsgottafly · 08/07/2016 13:17

Speak to him, but listen as well.

I'm female, so expected to be able to shop. My eldest DD (now 31), likes stuff to open. I find it draining looking for stuff that won't go to waste.

My ex was easy to buy for, he likes Band t-shirts and has a sweet tooth.

He should have something planned, though.

squoosh · 08/07/2016 13:31

'Should I speak up or let him work it out by himself when he sees the effort I've gone to?'

Speak up. Tell him that birthdays are important to you and that it's also important to you that he makes an effort to choose a gift he thinks you'd love or to at least ask you straight out if there's anything in particular that you'd love to receive.

And Happy Birthday! Cake Wine

Pettywoman · 08/07/2016 13:38

I always do that, I don't even get cards, but I don't get him anything either except perhaps a cake.

I'd be taking the gifts back if I were you. That sounds like a huge amount of stuff. Talk to him and go on a shopping spree of equivalent value.

ClopySow · 08/07/2016 13:40

Tell him.

tiggerbounce77 · 08/07/2016 13:43

If you leave it for him to work out it will never happen. Buy yourself something nice and take the money from him.

Happy birthday btw

PatriciaHolm · 08/07/2016 13:45

Presumably this isn't the first birthday he and you have had together? What normally happens?

JapanNextYear · 08/07/2016 13:49

He won't work it for himself. You need to talk - if its important to you that he buys you something then say so, if you now he's crap at choosing you'll have to do the buying or be v v specific.

If you want to give him the 6 presents, go for the day out and the dinner - then fab and you'll all enjoy it.

If it's tit for tat you'll end up seething all day or ruining it for yourself.

If it was me I'd take back the presents, tell him you want him to take you all out for a birthday tea (or just you and him - or friends - whatever it is). But he obviously isn't the type to think - ooh, DW would love that! He's just thought, fab, she's bought her own present - no more thought needed.

BarbaraofSeville · 08/07/2016 13:56

Why don't you just buy each other token presents and buy your own stuff like watches, candles, trainers etc?

I'm sure he could manage to go out and find you a bottle of your favourite wine/gin/box of chocs etc, and if you need £300 of stuff, you just choose it and buy it yourself surely?

Otherwise you just get into the ridiculous situation where you either have to research exactly what you want and then tell him 'buy me this' which is totally pointless as it comes out of the same money and you have made all the effort anyway, or if you say 'buy me a watch' if might not be one you like.

It just seems a bit weird for adults to be dressing up their normal spending as 'birthday presents'. If you need trainers, you need trainers. What happens if he needed them in September and it is nowhere near his birthday or Christmas? If he can buy them for himself then without pretending they are a present, he can buy them now - the watch and the trainers are just his spending and your over the top six little gifts is in recognition of his birthday.

gunther73 · 08/07/2016 21:49

Some people don't care about (giving or receiving) presents and will just buy stuff they want. give him an Amazon wish list of stuff you want and get on with your life. If you don't want anything, stop complaining. This is part of his personality and he will never change. Try and find some agreement that keeps you happy enough for it not to bother you.

pearlylum · 08/07/2016 22:06

Does he enjoy receiving such a large amount of gifts?

I wouldn't be happy if my OH spent £400 pound on buying me things for my birthday.

JLAM · 08/07/2016 22:16

Urgh, mine is the same. My bday this year was just before father's day and I got a card, one card, from the entire family. On fathers day the kids gave him the gifts they had already chosen and we had a lovely day. I gently explained to him that evening, that in total we had spent less than 25 pounds and it doesn't have to involve a lot of cash to show you care. I'm pretty sure he'll forget again next year though.

pearlylum · 08/07/2016 22:22

It's not just that though, for many it's a non event.
I'm not particularly big on adults' birthdays, I know lots of birthday divas.

My OH grew up without sometimes anyone remembering it was his birthday, so for him it's just another day.
He likes getting cards from the kids.

Shizzlestix · 08/07/2016 22:23

He has gone mad on himself. I think he's been ridiculously excessive. Surely he sees how totally ridiculous that is compared to what you got, or does he think that's all you wanted? Candles are house presents, not for people. You need a chat.

EveOnline2016 · 08/07/2016 22:28

He asked and you said you couldn't think of anything.

What is he supposed to do with that information.

If you wanted something then why not say I want xyz. People are not mind readers.

gamerchick · 08/07/2016 22:28

Save his presents for Christmas. Give the rest.

It sounds as if you need a chat.

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 08/07/2016 22:39

This sucks OP. I can sympathise. On my last birthday I received no present from DH and DD (who is too little to arrange anything anyway), just a card. Nothing was arranged (like maybe lunch out as a family, a babysitter so we could go out in the evening etc). We ended up going for a walk at the country park as it was a Saturday... in November Confused. Then I went to the co-op for wine and we watched a movie. I even made myself a birthday cake which was a bit sad if I'm honest. I was pissed off (very) so, under duress, DH did eventually send me some very expensive flowers while he was at work the following Monday. Then Mother's Day rolled around and the silly fucker hadn't bothered to do anything for that either, (DD is too little to arrange anything as I said and my own mum sadly died a few years ago, so I didn't have anything arranged for that day).

I have decided to continue to do nice things for DH's birthday, Father's Day etc to prove I'm not an asshole and therefore won't behave like one, but I will also make my own arrangements for birthdays and Mother's Day. There will be really lovely gifts and I will not be making my own cake.

CantChoose · 08/07/2016 22:46

Unless it was this candle... Shock
www.neomorganics.com/jenny-packham-for-neom-real-luxury-candle-ultimate.html?gclid=CJKqkpPr5M0CFTUz0wodK5UPAA
I think you need to have a chat about expectations for each other, this sounds very unbalanced.

Zuccarelli · 08/07/2016 23:11

Shock CantChoose! It's not even very nice to look at!

junebirthdaygirl · 09/07/2016 08:03

But he did ask and you couldn't think of anything. So just be direct and ask for what you want or be happy. You are giving mixed messages there which is a pain. Since when did people start buying stuff for themselves for their birthday like your dh has. Sounds like he was buying that stuff anyway and just used birthday as an excuse. Remember some people love buying gifts so buy lots, like six!! Then others aren't in to that.
I'd much rather treat myself to a new outfit than have lots of little things l really didn't need.

GoblinLittleOwl · 09/07/2016 08:09

Let it go, but start working on a list of suggestions for Christmas so you can be ready when he asks.

CallarMorvern · 09/07/2016 08:18

I could probably be your husband, except I'm female and supposedly we are good at this sort of stuff.Hmm.I hate buying for DH, it's a massive stress, I hate buying stupid novelty gifts that are a waste of money and never looked after the first week. I don't know what to buy him and waste so much time looking. Things he would really appreciate are put if budget.
I'd be quite happy for him to say, he's getting himself his present and I'd get my own.
I think you are being a bit unreasonable, he asked what you wanted, but you didn't put any thought into it, but you expected him to.

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs · 09/07/2016 10:22

he wont figure it out because he's already too selfish and thoughtless and concerned only with his own happiness to do so.
i'd give him nowt and tell him why.

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