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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my DH

31 replies

HermiioneSnape02 · 04/07/2016 12:50

To have the day off tomorrow. It's my 40th birthday.
He hasn't organised anything. He asked me Saturday if I wanted a meal. To which I replied I thought he'd have at least booked a meal? He said and I quote. Well I didn't know what you wanted to do.
For DH Birthday I organised a family meal. A cake. A weekend away. Theatre tickets and some lovely gifts. For Father's Day I bought and paid for the weekend away to silver stone for him and his best mate to watch the British Grand Prix.

He also never has days off. I do all appointments, dr's etc. School.

Feeling very deflated and let down tbh.

OP posts:

NapQueen · 04/07/2016 12:54

Yabu to expect your dh to book your birthday off work. I don't even book my own off and dh only happens to be off his because he doesn't work summer holidays.

He asked you what you wanted to do - that's a good thing! If he had booked a meal but you wanted a trip to cinema or vice versa would you have been annoyed?

You sound incredibly generous in your gifts, maybe you could explain to him that you are generous to him and you expect the same back?

Do you work? If you SAH then why would he have to take days off to do doctors appt. Etc?

summerskittles91 · 04/07/2016 12:59

YANBU.

It's your 40th Birthday, which is a pretty important one in my eyes. Maybe just have a chat with him about how you feel? I would be annoyed too but I guess you could plan something together for the weekend.

If he won't take the day off go and pamper yourself for the day?

I always go all out for your DH birthdays. Yet for my own I have to book a restaurant or weekend away.. it used to bug me but now I just do it as I know DH probably wont. He just doesn't get that sometimes its nice to be surprised with something.

Birdsgottafly · 04/07/2016 13:00

You should have discussed it, in advance, with it being midweek.

Any surprises, could have then happened at the weekend.

My 40th was midweek, so it was just gifts, with wider family, then a night out. We'd booked Egypt, later in the year, though.

I've always had two Birthdays, when mines fallen midweek.

I'm 48 and I'm having a really good think about what I want to do for my 50th (this might take saving for), so I'm not disappointed.

I'm also the one that's very good at planning stuff for others.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/07/2016 13:06

YABU if you haven't discussed it in advance. People place different value on birthdays. Clearly they are important to you and you make a big effort for people's birthdays. Maybe your DH doesn't really care that much about them and would have been equally happy with a cake and a card.

I went to work as normal on my 40th. It just wasn't a big deal to me and I would have been a bit horrified if my DH had made the sort of effort that your did for your DH.

I suspect you and your DH have very different expectations of birthdays and you need to have a chat about what you both want and feel comfortable with. If he does like big celebrations for himself then it would be reasonable to expect him to make an equall effort for you. If he isn't that fussed then you need to think about why you are making such an effort for someone who isn't really bothered either way.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/07/2016 13:07

equal not equall

MoreGilmoreGirls · 04/07/2016 13:08

YANBU my DH organised a surprise party for my 40th. You sound like you do lots for him on special events, is he grateful do you think or does he not really care about birthdays and such? You need to tell him how you feel. Hopefully he's bought you something nice. Happy birthday for tomorrow

pinkyredrose · 04/07/2016 13:10

Tbh your gifts to him seem very extravagant, maybe he thinks he can compete? Why on earth would you pay for his mate to go to the Grand Prix wknd, that must've cost you hundreds!

WorraLiberty · 04/07/2016 13:11

Blimey, I would even book my own birthday off work.

He also never has days off. I do all appointments, dr's etc. School.

Is it more about this ^^ though than just being your birthday?

If so, I can understand there must be some resentment festering there. It sounds as though you both need to sit down and talk.

As for the fuss you make of his birthday, I know a lot of people who really get enjoyment out of doing that for their DP, but it doesn't mean they should expect the same in return, if they're married to someone who doesn't like all that sort of thing.

You probably should have sat down together a couple of weeks ago, and decided on somewhere to book.

Hope it's a great day anyway

Original poster

HermiioneSnape02 · 04/07/2016 13:12

Thanks everyone.
He doesn't put much stock in birthdays as in the day or work. But does want and expect nice things for his birthday and for weeks leading up he's dropping hints in what he wants and what have I got him etc.

I'm not like that at all I expect him to put a little effort in as I do for him but don't see the point in expressly asking for what I want or booking my own meal. To me it's pointless if I do it myself. I could do that any day of the week. For one day it would be nice if he made the effort.

As to the day off I should have been more clear. It's our own business he can have any day off he wants.
He had a day off for the dentist the other week as he felt like having a day off after going.

OP posts:

HoggleHoggle · 04/07/2016 13:15

So then he's selfish? He's clear that his birthday is a big deal, but yours, not so much?

pinkyredrose · 04/07/2016 13:16

I meant can't compete on my previous message obs!

Ok well.if he's dropping hints for wks Apr his birthday and always expects nice things then he should be will to do the same for you shouldn't he. Or does he have some cock eyed idea that he's the man of the house and deserves better treatment than you?

Original poster

HermiioneSnape02 · 04/07/2016 13:17

Obviously HoggieHoggle

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 04/07/2016 13:18

Blimey excuse my typos!

Original poster

HermiioneSnape02 · 04/07/2016 13:19

I don't thinks so pinky. More he says he is busy at the moment - we are but he could have a day off
Also what would we do?
Well maybe you should have organised something - arse!!

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/07/2016 13:20

He doesn't put much stock in birthdays as in the day or work. But does want and expect nice things for his birthday and for weeks leading up he's dropping hints in what he wants and what have I got him etc.

I don't think it is fair if he is angling for nice presents and dropping hints and then doesn't bother for your birthday. However, he does tell you what he wants so maybe you have to tell him what you want for your birthday. My DH doesn't have a clue what to buy me so I give him a list of things I want to do or would like to have and he can surprise me with one of those. Maybe give your DH a wishlist to work off.

I take a pragmatic view of things - its better to get a present I actually want than get DH dithering then trying to give me cash to buy something for myself (yes this has happened).

Zarah123 · 04/07/2016 13:27

I wouldn't be making much effort for his next birthday or Father's Day.

He's taking you for granted and thinks he's more worthy.

I would tell him he needs to make a similar effort or no more nice birthdays.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/07/2016 13:32

Arse indeed.

Where's your family meal?
Your cake?
Your weekend away?
Your theatre tickets and lovely gifts?
Your trip to Silverstone? or spa of your choice

I bet he didn't have to ASK or REMIND you to do all these things.

Double arse.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/07/2016 13:34

Yes but Chaz your DH is already clearly of the impression that he should do something for your birthday, that it is an occasion worth noting, that he needs to make an effort. He just needs a little help with execution. In the OP's case the husband is being a lazy selfish tit and not even recognising that her birthday even exists.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/07/2016 13:38

Hearts
He is now following a rather robust conversation when he didn't even manage to get me a birthday card. I would have been happy with a card and a bunch of flowers or a cake but he didn't even get that. However, in his defence he comes from a culture which doesn't really celebrate birthdays much.

However, I accept the general point that the OP's husband expects her to make an effort but doesn't seem to want to make one himself. I suggested the wishlist because i) you get what you want and ii) there are no excuses for not doing anything.

OneArt · 04/07/2016 13:48

Have you explicitly said to him "remember all the nice things I did for your birthday. I'm upset that you can't think of similarly nice things for me"?

MadameJosephine · 04/07/2016 14:48

Something similar happened to me when I turned 40. As it got closer it became more and more obvious that he had nothing at all planned for my birthday so I went online and booked myself a last minute holiday and flew to Lanzarote for a week for my birthday without him!

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 04/07/2016 14:56

I don't think it should be assumed that he should take the day off work, but to arrange nothing? I'd definitely be a bit miffed he hasn't arranged anything at all. Could he be planning to surprise you with something at the weekend maybe? .

My DH did nothing for my last birthday. Oh sorry no, I did receive a card. Same on Mother's Day (DD is too little to arrange anything and my own mum is dead, so I didn't have anything to do that day). It's annoying as I make a fuss for his birthday and Father's Day. I still made a fuss for his birthday and Father's Day this year, but have vowed to arrange something for myself for my next birthday and for DD and I on Mother's Day too. So ha!

Arfarfanarf · 04/07/2016 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RhiWrites · 04/07/2016 15:28

Argh! These threads are so depressing. Why do women do it? You organise a parade for your husband's birthday and he gets a box of chocolates from the offie if he remembers.

OP, tell him straight out that you put a lot of effort into his birthday and Mother's Day and if you don't see him doing the same thing for you, you'll stop bothering.

BarbaraofSeville · 04/07/2016 15:37

I think a lot of the time men don't give a stuff about cards, cakes, meals out, parades etc and wouldn't care if they happen or not, but it sounds like in this case he does want presents at least.

So given the precendent that has been set, the DH should be organising a lovely day out as that's what the OP wants - a day out without having to think, plan, research, book etc? Maybe he thinks he won't get it right?

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