Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

A really churlish trivial one be warned...

36 replies

Millionprammiles · 27/06/2016 16:06

I've always bought my 3 nephews birthday and Xmas presents. Happy to do so, no resentment.

Now I have a child of my own, I've noticed by brother neither offers nor sends anything more than a card (and sometimes not even that) for dd.
I never ask for anything for her and am not remotely bothered as dd has more than enough presents.
But
I understood this to mean I didn't need to send anything more than a card either anymore. I thought it was his way of saying 'the kids have enough, lets not do presents'.
But instead he sends me links for what gifts to buy them for b'days and Xmas.

I'm not sure how to respond but am starting to feel like a bit of a mug. Am I missing something??

OP posts:

wheresthel1ght · 27/06/2016 16:07

I would start doing the same if you want to carry on his petty behaviour or have a chat with him about the crappy double standards and agree either an amount per child or that it is cards only from here on in

OurBlanche · 27/06/2016 16:08

Send him links back!

Or talk to him and ask...

legotits · 27/06/2016 16:08

First off: no idea it's a minefield.

(Wanted to say excellent use of churlish it's my favourite snub)

RNBrie · 27/06/2016 16:10

It's up to you here... Either just send a card or drop him a text - got your list but thought we weren't doing presents for the kids anymore as you just sent a card for dd. Happy to do presents but thought we should agree in advance what the plan is!

CaptainCrunch · 27/06/2016 16:11

I would ignore him, he sounds like a total dick and that wonderful Mumsnet word "entitled".

Original poster

Millionprammiles · 27/06/2016 16:14

I know rationally I should talk to him about it but I just don't want this to turn into an argument. I don't think he'll take it very well and I don't to create some sort of rift.

I might just swallow it up but make sure at Xmas I ask for something for dd. Mind you I did that last year and had to chase him up as it never appeared! I find it all a bit childish and it irks me that it irks me....

OP posts:

scampimom · 27/06/2016 16:16

And he's being that other wonderful MN word: "grabby"

Patterkiller · 27/06/2016 16:16

I would just feign ignorance and text him 'sorry I assumed we aren't doing presents this year but I'm fine either way. Do you want me to send links for Dds gifts? Or shall we just leave it at cards all round'.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 27/06/2016 16:17

I'd be a bit blunt to be honest. I'd reply back "Oh, I thought we weren't doing presents any more!"
If he replies that presents are still expected, message him back with links to things your child will like.
If you still receive nothing but a card, then stop buying gifts.

whois · 27/06/2016 16:17

He sends you a link, you reply "oh I thought you didn't want to do gifts for the kids?" he replies that he does, and then you as how come he hasn't ever sent anything for your child then?

ChocolateButton15 · 27/06/2016 16:17

Either send links back or ignore it when he sends requests. If he then asks then ask where your child's presents have been for x amount of birthday/christmas's

pictish · 27/06/2016 16:18

Agree with RNBrie - send her message.

OurBlanche · 27/06/2016 16:19

That's silly. Not talking to him is already causing a rift, you are feeling miffed, at the least.

Call him a month before DDs birthday and ask if he would like a list, if he would actually buy anything or if he would just like to call it quits on buying gifts for the kids?

He will know there is inequity, he just doesn't do anything about it as you don't seem to care. Well, you do! So tell him his behaviour is hurtful and silly.

Iwasbornin1993 · 27/06/2016 16:21

I can't believe that people actually act like this! What is his rationale?! I would either just ignore his links and send cards to your nephews, or do as PPs have suggested and text to say you assumed that as he doesn't buy for your DD, he doesn't want to do DC presents anymore.

quasibex · 27/06/2016 16:26

My sister is exceptionally terrible for this.

However the gifts I choose to buy my nephews (also a trio) are bought because of how I feel about them, not my sister's shortcomings.

Depends on how you want your relationship as aunty to be defined. You can be seen as just their father's sister or you can be seen as an aunty that's involved no matter what else is going on.

I know which aunty's I still have time for now, and they are the ones that have a relationship with me irrespective of the drama siblings cause each other. The others I just nod politely at (or slam the door in the face of depending which one it is...I have quite a few to choose from).

Penfold007 · 27/06/2016 16:26

Why not ask him if he would like a few suggestions of what his DN might like for birthday/xmas. Take the conversation from there, no need for any tension.

WWYD2016 · 27/06/2016 16:29

Don't worry about it OP, it's hard though.
About 8 years ago a friend looked me in the eye and said don't assume other people will love or want to be with your kids in the same way you do.
My older brother has 3 children, the first born when I was 12, I adore my nephews and niece and now though the youngest is 28 I still speak to them on a weekly basis.
When they were younger I took them out on day trips, for sleepovers, to the beach, meals, gifts etc because I love(d) them so.
My eldest was born 13 years ago and I now have 3 DC, my brother and his wife have not spent any time with them, let alone an excursion. In 13 years I think they have babysat 5 times. I no longer ask them to be a part of their lives, I guess now their kids are grown they can't be arsed with children.
There is a silver lining though, my beloved nephews and niece have assumed the 'uncle/aunt' role for their younger cousins which makes me most happy.
Continue to love your brothers children OP, it's not their fault their dad can't see he's being selfish.

Original poster

Millionprammiles · 27/06/2016 16:41

Thanks all, I think I'm struggling in part as I like the relationship dd has with her cousins (whom I also like) and don't want to jeopardise that.

Last year when I chased up dd's Xmas present it was evident my brother hadn't bought it. He was also a bit narky with me for chasing him 'I've been a bit busy you know etc..'
So he will definitely take it badly if I try to broach this with him. I also worry he'll make some comment to the kids.

This is making him sound like a monster and he's not at all though he does have a few 'issues'. SiL on the other hand never asks for anything, is lovely to dd and is probably mortified by his behaviour.

On balance I'm going to just swallow it up I think. I don't want to start asking for presents for dd as I do think thats 'grabby'. Gifts should be offered and frankly we have enough plastic crap filling the house.
I'll just bask in the glow of knowing my nephews have something they really wanted.

And then when we're in our 80s I'll have a massive fight with him about it and all the family will think I'm senile

OP posts:

SuperFlyHigh · 27/06/2016 16:46

flipping heck I must be in a really bad mood today - I'd tell him to F off with his lists especially if he doesn't buy for your child.

SuperFlyHigh · 27/06/2016 16:48

here is the ideal situation when the gift of sponsoring a goat via Oxfam comes into it's own...

HairySubject · 27/06/2016 16:53

Just curious, how old is your DD, perhaps he is thinking along the lines of she is just a baby and won't notice yet but is intending to buy gifts when she is old enough to understand.

Not excusing his behaviour, just can't get my head around it otherwise, how could anyone be so rude and cheeky!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/06/2016 16:55

Forget your brother - he's a twat, sorry.

Are your nephews old enough to notice that their favourite Aunt has suddenly stopped buying nice things for them, and are they likely to feel snubbed / wonder what they've done wrong?
Like it or not, you've set a precedent.

In your shoes, I'd simply buy a gift for birthdays and knock Christmas on the head apart from something like a book if you feel the need to give something. So they get something special on their special day but will get plenty of other stuff at Christmas anyway.

I'd totally ignore the "helpful" links he sends unless you actually find them helpful. buy them hamsters instead

SuperFlyHigh · 27/06/2016 16:58

Tread - OP hasn't stopped buying gifts she just isn't sure what to do or is flummoxed by the links/requests for gifts.

KurriKurri · 27/06/2016 17:05

I think it's lovely that you send your nephews presents - and I think you should continue to do so - it's not their fault their dad is a stingy arse. Relationships are far more important than material things and if your DD has a good relationship with her cousins I would protect that above all else.

But - I would broach the subject - in the way others have suggested 'can we clarify this... I thought we weren't doing presents as you just sent DD a card etc. Shall I send you a list' and so on. Because he's getting away with laziness and thoughtlessness. Is your SIL under the impression he does send your DD a present ?

When it comes to Christmas I would go along the 'swapping presents' route if you live reasonably close as in 'I can give you the presents for Dnephews when you bring DD's over - save postage etc etc.'

I;d also open a savings account in her name, so you can counter any 'I'm too busy' crap with 'oh that's OK you can just transfer a tenner into her bank account it'll only take five minutes'

I'm usually against expecting presents in return for presents or expecting presents full stop. But he would really irritate me - with his grabby 'list' - I'd be drawing up a bigger more expensive grabbier list of my own (but I'm horrid )

newpup · 27/06/2016 17:25

My DDs were 7 & 4 when my DN was born. My sister has never bothered with birthday cards or presents and only gave gifts at Xmas. Absolutely fine, my DN was born and we were invited to his 1st birthday party so I took a present. Did not expect birthday presents for Dds as she had never bothered before and did not see DDs on their birthdays. However when my DN was 2 he was invited to DDs 6th party as we had clowns and I thought my DN would enjoy it. He came with my DSis and my DM who had never shown any interest in my DD's birthdays parties before! My sister did not bring a card or a present! I have to say I never mentioned it but I did think it was a bit mean. Fast forward to DNs next birthday we could not make the family party my DSis organised but I did send a card, my choice. However I was aghast when my DM ( not DSis) asked how I would get DNs present to him? I brushed off the question as I was not going to get him one! Seemed a bit double standard to me.

Flip

1 2