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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband refusing to speak to me...

32 replies

timeandtide · 22/06/2016 17:35

I have a DD who is 2.

Her childcare currently looks like this:

Monday: MIL looks after her
Tuesday: my mum looks after her
Wednesday: MIL looks after her
Thursday: my mum looks after her

I'm off on a Friday.

My MIL also looks after my sister in law (husband's sister) DD on a Tuesday so she's looking after children three days a week but they're never with her at the same time. Nevertheless my DH and I have decided that we would like to relieve some pressure on MIL by putting my DD into nursery on a Monday to take the pressure off her a bit and she's happy with this. My DH also wants to put DD into nursery on a Tuesday (my Mother's Day) but my own mum has said she's fine with the two days as she has my dad around and they're fit and able and enjoy it. I had compromised with my DH that maybe the afternoon on a Tuesday would be OK but even then I was hesitant. He started to fill out the form this morning and I said to hang fire with the Tuesday til I double checked with my mum if she wanted a morning or afternoon free. When I spoke with my mum she stressed again that she really didn't find the two days a problem and she'd rather save DH and I the £110 a month for half day care and keep her all day as she takes her to toddler group and DD still naps.

Anyway, DH is now not speaking with me as I have "broken the compromise". I am trying to tell him that people are trying to help us and save us over £1200 a year in childcare and there would be people out there biting someone's hand off to be able to save on childcare.

AIBU??

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 22/06/2016 17:38

No you are not.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 22/06/2016 17:39

Meh.

Fill in the form yourself. Do what's best for you.

snorepatrol · 22/06/2016 17:39

Sounds like he's cutting his nose off yo spite his face to be honest because he doesn't want your parents getting more time with your dd his parents to be honest.

If it was his decision to take the pressure of his mum then I'd stand my ground and tell him you get to make decisions too. That's a lot of money to lose to make a point.

Original poster
timeandtide · 22/06/2016 17:43

snorepatrol I try to be equal in how much DD sees her grandparents. It's so easy to veer to my mum but MIL is brilliant with DD. I really hope it's not that. I think he thinks if we cut a day out they'll be more likely to help if there's an emergent but I know my parents would help anyway as we don't take the piss

OP posts:
originalmavis · 22/06/2016 17:43

Will the nursery take her for one day a week? I worked for one and they suggested a minimum of 3 half days so that the children could get into the routine.

Anyway, you are making the arrangements to fit around your working routine, as I assume you are doing all the dropping off, picking up, running around etc . So whatever suits you and the grandmas. Not big baby dh.

originalmavis · 22/06/2016 17:44

And tell him to grow the fuck up.

Original poster
timeandtide · 22/06/2016 17:44

original yeah I think they're quite happy for one day. I will check that though as there's definitely another nursery who will take her one day. I'm so angry at him for being such a shit about this

OP posts:
DiggersRest · 22/06/2016 17:46

Yanbu. Your dh is quite frankly being a tit!

I'm just working out the cost of childcare for dd2 when l return and would bloody love MIL/DM to be able to mind her Smile

Maybe the compromise could be when she's a bit older you can put her in nursery an extra day when you get the free funding?

SquinkiesRule · 22/06/2016 18:32

He's being a big baby. Nobody said life is fair, your Mum is happy with two days, his Mum needs some down time. Tell him to get over it, and fill the forms in yourself. He'll be measuring banana so kids get the same amount if you have more kids, he's ridiculous.

Original poster
timeandtide · 22/06/2016 19:13

He's the only person I've ever known to actually want to pay childcare fees Confused

OP posts:
WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 22/06/2016 19:21

If he worried about one set of grandparents seeing her for a couple hours ...

Why not have
Nursery on Monday.
Alternate GPs Tuesday
Wed and Thurs as they are?

Or tell him to grow up!

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 22/06/2016 19:22

It's perfectly reasonable for him to have a preference regarding his DD's care. Maybe he has other reasons for wanting DD in nursery a second day rather than with your mum for two days. Childcare decisions aren't just about money.

pointythings · 22/06/2016 19:24

That's really childish. Especially since your DM and your MIL are both happy about the setup. They're the ones affected, it really isn't on for him to throw his toys out of the pram.

Tryingtostayyoung · 22/06/2016 20:13

OP I feel your pain, i could 100% imagine myself writing this if MIL didn't work full time and I wasn't a SAHM. My DH is lovely, loves my DM BUT he gets very jealous over the extra time that my DM has with DD as she only works part time. He leaves me to it but I could just imagine that if they were both off that the pressure I would be under to make sure time was equally spent with them would cause huuuuuge arguments. All I can say is that you know it's silly, near enough everyone that has commented thinks it's silly, you need to show him how ridiculous it is.

Griphook · 22/06/2016 20:44

Op yanbu, but I think you are to put dd into nursery one day a week, can you not do 2 half days? One day means it's harder to settle them.

Griphook · 22/06/2016 20:45

Also I think it's nice that he's trying to be considerate of both grandparents and he's involved.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 22/06/2016 21:24

It's nice to be considerate, but fucking terrible behaviour to sulk and not speak to your partner.

Original poster
timeandtide · 22/06/2016 21:54

griphook the nursery won't do two half days unfortunately and it wouldn't solve the problem of giving his mum a break Sad I really don't think he's being that considerate anymore. we asked and my parents said they were happy with the set up. That should have been the end of it. I've just finished a conversat ok with him where he said "if your mum can't look after him for any reason then don't expect me to take any time of work to help" Hmm I'm considering LTB after that comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
timeandtide · 22/06/2016 21:56

I've looked at their t&cs and they defo take them one day a week but there has be one full day and not two half days.

OP posts:
incywinci · 22/06/2016 22:01

Your child might find it very difficult to settle into nursery just one day a week. Just something to consider.

nocoolnamesleft · 22/06/2016 22:44

As a matter of interest, does the MIL actually want pressure taking off her, or did your DH just decide it?

happypoobum · 22/06/2016 22:48

Yeah, he's a prat.

Original poster
timeandtide · 22/06/2016 22:55

nocool now you've got me wondering. DH brought it up to me
Several weeks ago that it was too much for his mum three days and I asked (admittedly I was only half paying attention ) if his mum had said this and he said yes and I'd no reason to doubt him. As soon as he said that I agreed to a day in nursery. She's a retired woman and I dont want to put her under stress wth young children. Also, She's a nice woman but we're not overly close so I doubt she'd feel comfortable telling me if it were too much. Perhaps that's a load of crap though but I really don't think he'd lie Hmm

OP posts:
incywinci · 22/06/2016 23:05

Your MiL may be feeling obliged to look after your child because the other granny does it. I know my MiL and parents have their own interests and do not have the energy to look after baby/toddler, and I would never expect them to do so. It wouldn't be fair because this is their retirement and they are entitled to some peace and quiet.

Hippee · 22/06/2016 23:19

Mine only went to nursery one day a week, to begin with, and they were fine - completely settled and enjoyed their day there.

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