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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is putting this on a bit

38 replies

Highlandfling80 · 17/06/2016 11:43

So history. We have 3 Dd. 1St planned. 3rd a happy surprise.
When Dd was little dh did nothing during the week to help. I think in her 1St year he changed maybe 5 nappies. Obviously I did all night wakings and did lots of cluster feeding in the evenings. Weekends he would do a bit of DIY and gardening (not regular tasks) and occasionally cooked but he was too tired to do more. Was out of house 12 hours per day during the week.
At about 4 months I asked for help and was told I clearly wanted Dd3 more so I had to suck it up. He was too tired to do more. If he did more he would crash the car.
If I am honest something inside me died that day and I have been considering leaving ever since.
Anyway he also has arthritis and has recently moved jobs and now is gone much earlier. Every morning he goes to work and than returns home at 6 and basically takes to his bed to watch TV as his legs are better that way .
Leaving me to look after DC. Cook dinner. Clean up kitchen do numerous club runs etc etc.
The only time he seems to have any energy is if he is after sex. Clearly most nights I an to tired and fed up to want it. Dd3 is not a good sleeper.
So Ainu to think he may be putting it on a bit

OP posts:
Original poster
Highlandfling80 · 17/06/2016 11:44

First 2 planned.

OP posts:
babyblabber · 17/06/2016 11:50

Em if he has enough energy for sex he has enough energy to help you with HIS children.

Is he concerned at all about you crashing the car (with the kids in it) from exhaustion?

He works long hours but so do you, and on less sleep! His arthritis may well be valid but can he not take the older two to watch to with him? Or better still read stories, do homework, get them ready for bed etc. What if you had the same condition, who would mind them then? It's not a reason to opt out of parenting/running a house, he might need to go back to the doctor and explain he needs to find a way to manage it better.

I'd have gone mental long ago!

Original poster
Highlandfling80 · 17/06/2016 11:51

O and I am a sah bar a very small job. (6 hours a week) and youngest Dd is now at nursery so at least I get a bit of a break now although much of this is taken up with shopping medical stuff. laundry for 5 etc etc

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Original poster
Highlandfling80 · 17/06/2016 11:54

Tbf the older 2 get themselves ready for bed but Dd3 is down to me. Actually he has not done one single bath time for any of our children.

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Original poster
Highlandfling80 · 17/06/2016 11:58

He is probably working 10 1/2 hours including commute but my day is definitely longer.

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ImperialBlether · 17/06/2016 11:59

Is he seeing a consultant for arthritis? Any doctor would tell him to be as active as possible - there's no need to go to bed at six pm!

shiveringhiccup · 17/06/2016 12:00

He's being very lazy and being a rubbish partner and a rubbish father. Sorry OP Flowers

If his health is that bad he should seek more medical help.

Otherwise, could you have a long chat with him about it? See if he will work with you to find solutions?

Do you have any other help/ support/ family etc?

peachpudding · 17/06/2016 12:00

You will probably get a lot of opinions on here but only he knows how bad his energy levels are and how bad his arthritis is. The sex thing is an indication but is it energetic or is he just lying on his back for 5 minutes?

TheSockGoblin · 17/06/2016 12:03

Does he still work 12 hour days and is he on his feet for a lot of it?

If so I can see that he might need some recovery time to switch off etc, but surely he can do that for an hour or so and then help with other tasks that are perhaps not massively physically demanding, like reading stories or helping the kids with homework etc?

It sounds to me as if he is coming home and checking out totally, rather than making any attempt to be involved in family life.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/06/2016 12:14

YA possibly NBU.

Pain is so subjective, but it does sound like he's using it as a bit of an excuse to get out of doing even the smallest things with your DC.

Not surprised you don't want sex with him, or in fact to have him around any longer - tbh he doesn't sound like he does much for the family in a human way apart from bringing in the money. :(

whois · 17/06/2016 12:18

I don't see how having arthritis prevents you from reading a bedtime story to a child.

Either he's in a hell of a lot of pain and can barely function, or he's a lazy cunt.

EmNetta · 17/06/2016 12:20

You'd find life easier/better if you only had the three children to look after, but I'm guessing this has occurred to you by now?

Original poster
Highlandfling80 · 17/06/2016 12:20

Job is a desk job out 10 to 10 1/2 hours including commute. He is seeing a consultant who is monitoring markers etc.

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Original poster
Highlandfling80 · 17/06/2016 12:23

peach somewhere in between.

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PerspicaciaTick · 17/06/2016 12:23

There are things he can do to adapt and fit into family routines more successfully.
Washing up hurts my back, so I sit while washing up at the sink.
He could put a stool in the bathroom while doing bathtime, sit and do some ironing. There is stuff he can do, if he has the will and is prepared to try new ideas...may be not everything and being in constant pain is exhausting and not to be underestimated, but he will find being part of family life an emotional boost rather than being isolated from you all.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/06/2016 12:23

Sounds like he is actually living the life of a man who has already separated from you. Apart from you still doing his laundry and cooking, also him doing less childcare than he would with every other weekend access.

What do you get out of staying married?

AyeAmarok · 17/06/2016 12:26

What does he bring to your life, other than money?

ceebie · 17/06/2016 12:27

I suspect accusing him of putting it on or badgering him to do more isn't going to help.

You need to talk. Properly. Is he happy? Are you? Does he want life to continue as it is, or are there things he would like to change (that could reasonably change, useless wishing for more money or fewer children). Clearly you would like some changes. Are there changes that you could make that work for both of you? It's almost like you need a assessment of your lives. Otherwise, it sounds like you are drifting apart. You need to see if you can get your relationship and family life back on track. Be symapthic to his point of view and be a good listener, but try to work towards solutions.

TheFairyCaravan · 17/06/2016 12:31

I've got arthritis in my spine, pelvis and hips as well as other joint problems. It's rare that you'll find me out of bed after 7pm. My consultants tell me to do what's best for me.

I'm in bloody agony. I can't work. I can't walk, I can't sit. My husband accepts that this is how it has to be and will often come and sit on the bed with me.

Chronic pain is horrendous. I think you should cut him some slack.

SquinkiesRule · 17/06/2016 12:50

You might be being unreasonable.
Arthritis is bloody awful, the pain can take over and concentrating to do anything becomes difficult.
There are probably days were he feels a little better and wants sex and those days he could probably sit and read with the older children to help out a but.

Original poster
Highlandfling80 · 17/06/2016 12:56

Thank you for replies. Plenty to think about accept it is hard as I don't know his level of pain. He certainly manages to get to work and do what he wants to do at weekends.
Maybe doing all this is exhausting do he has to rest in the evenings.

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ceebie · 17/06/2016 13:29

Highland, even if you accept that he might not be able to physically do more, does he seem mentally and emotionally engaged with you and your children? Does he read them stories, or supervise play? Do you have 'online chores' such has doing a click and collect grocery order, doing bank transfers, etc that he could help with? There may be other ways of making you feel more united as a family.

It sounds like you are both tired, but rather than emotionally supporting each other, it sounds like you are a little isolated from each other. Or am I reading too much in to it?

Headofthehive55 · 17/06/2016 13:40

Hmm. On the days I work - similar hours than your DH I am shattered. The days I do the sahm role, I have four by the way I am tired but not as much. It's less focussed but the day is longer if you see what I mean. I do all housework and stuff for kids...
We think we do equal share (DH works ridiculous hours away from home)
Also I don't think you can equate it hour for hour. My day might involve a small drive or two but DH might fly abroad and back. We've both been awake for the same length of time and doing stuff but he is more tired.

Original poster
Highlandfling80 · 17/06/2016 13:53

No I think you are right ceebie. I feel like the strain of child rearing is totally on my head. I can't really remember the last time he read them a story. He will briefly play with the youngest but prefers playing with his own toys. (Computer games etc)
The eldest was recently in a school play but he made it clear he couldn't be bothered to see it. He did say to Dd he would good she really wanted him too. That was so sad for him an Dd tbh.
So I did all the dropping of and picking up the 4 nights it was on and helped with costumes etc. Dd3 was still up of course.

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Original poster
Highlandfling80 · 17/06/2016 13:57

I think you can't also come one person Sah roles with another. Different DC have different needs and some just generate more mess and work.
Dd2 has some additional needs which adds to the mix and Dd3 has an unusual sleeping pattern which means even when she sleeps thorough I am functioning on less sleep. Know we or should I say I need to sort this.

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