To think he is putting this on a bit

[Highlandfling80]

So history. We have 3 Dd. 1St planned. 3rd a happy surprise.
When Dd was little dh did nothing during the week to help. I think in her 1St year he changed maybe 5 nappies. Obviously I did all night wakings and did lots of cluster feeding in the evenings. Weekends he would do a bit of DIY and gardening (not regular tasks) and occasionally cooked but he was too tired to do more. Was out of house 12 hours per day during the week.
At about 4 months I asked for help and was told I clearly wanted Dd3 more so I had to suck it up. He was too tired to do more. If he did more he would crash the car.
If I am honest something inside me died that day and I have been considering leaving ever since.
Anyway he also has arthritis and has recently moved jobs and now is gone much earlier. Every morning he goes to work and than returns home at 6 and basically takes to his bed to watch TV as his legs are better that way .
Leaving me to look after DC. Cook dinner. Clean up kitchen do numerous club runs etc etc.
The only time he seems to have any energy is if he is after sex. Clearly most nights I an to tired and fed up to want it. Dd3 is not a good sleeper.
So Ainu to think he may be putting it on a bit

O and yes he does do online banking and Bill paying.

No you can't equate it easily. One if mine has sn too. IT depends on what your children are off doing. Don't feel guilty if you can't make something because you are tired. It's only these days it seems to be children run round doing everything under the sun...you don't have to take them if you are tired and it would be too much. Try and cultivate some lift shares...

RA is debilitating. But I'm still a parent. DH does do more than his share but I still help them dress, sort their meds, help them bathe (sat down), help DH cook meals, watch over them to keep them safe (they're disabled so this can be overnight), take them to medical appointments, go to meetings at the school about them, supervise homework and spend time with them. Probably lots more too.

Ok I have to find new ways around it (got a Powerchair to help me out and about), had to get a cleaner etc but in still very much a parent and a carer.

I have to sleep when they do because of the exhaustion and because they don't sleep through. Wouldn't be fair to expect DH to do it all.

Have you visited the "spoons" thread on MN? It is used by people with conditions such as RA.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory

It might give you a feel for how people with pain and energy-sapping conditions have to ration their energy. Although, it does sound as though your DH is prioritising activities which aren't family-orientated - so maybe that is a conversation you need to have about priorities.

Thank you for you responses. Especially good from those dealing with arthritis. Although sorry you are suffering too.
It really helps me get perspective

Thank you. Will take a look.
I suppose I am doubting the impact because sitting through your daughters school play is not feasible but sitting through every home football match is OK for example.

Lots of parents aren't keen on school based activities - sometimes parents are better at one age than another. He might be fab at teaching them how to drive for example.
I avoid sports days if I can and am not sorry if I have to work them. It doesn't make me a uninterested parent.

I guess that's true head will have to wait and see.

I suppose I am doubting the impact because sitting through your daughters school play is not feasible but sitting through every home football match is OK for example

He's basically checked out of family life and is using his RA as an excuse.

i haven't read everything everyone has put but agree pain is subjective, my partner has really bad arthritus - doesn't stop him doing anything, he hates it and sometimes his joints are really swollen and inflammed but very very rarely does he let it stop him doing anything imo your partner is being extremely selfish!

I was about to say what whois just said.

I have chronic illnesses inc psorasis related arthritis and my OH has a car accident related injury that can flare up and neither of us has ignored parenting duties or housework when having a flare up.

WE flip it around so we can do what we can manage. If OH knee is playing up I do the standing chores. If my hands are playing up (stiff joints and carpal tunnel) he takes over and cooks, makes tea etc because Its just not safe for me to lift anything ( I drop stuff when its playing up)

But using an illness as a reason not to do a thing at home... I'm sorry, I don't buy it i'm afraid. IF he can sit down in bed to watch TV he can sit down in bed and read to his kids or do homework with them or play board games. He can sit down in the bathroom to supervise and even sit down to do the hoovering I had a broken foot. I became a master of sit down hoovering. you can sit to prepare dinner and even wash up and fold laundry.

That's not exactly fair, ever. There are degrees.

I'm pretty severely affected and certainly couldn't do my kids' care needs AND clean.

That said if I went to a school thing is be at the back where I could stand up/sit down as needed.

There are ways around things.

To say you wanted DC3 more than him isn't very nice. He might well be in pain, but you're exhausted and that is also debilitating.
YANBU.