Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider leaving him?

46 replies

catmummy1 · 16/06/2016 13:03

My partner of 6 years has recently been saying he doesn't want to have children or get married. He knows I want both of these but he doesn't seem to be budging. As more time goes on the more he seems to stick with what he's saying.

AIBU to consider leaving him ?

It's a hard decision as I love him so much but this is all we will be, there doesn't seem to be much of a future ahead of us.

OP posts:
whois · 16/06/2016 13:06

How old are you? How old is he?

If this is a deal breaker for you you would not be U to end it, no. You have to be with someone who's long term goals align with your own.

Original poster
catmummy1 · 16/06/2016 13:10

I'm 24 and he's 26.
I know we are both young but we have been together a while so we know where things will be going for us.
Devastated we don't want the same things. I don't want it to have to come down to me leaving him but I don't really want to give up having children.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 16/06/2016 13:13

It's a tough decision but if he really doesn't want kids, you'd be best to move on.

smileyhappypeople · 16/06/2016 13:15

I would sit down and have a very honest conversation with him! I know you have probably spoken to him but does he know how strongly you feel? Maybe he keeps saying it just because he doesn't want you or anyone around starting with the pressure of when and how and where??
Other than that yanbu if you really do want different things.
My hubby was adamant he did not want children.... Our first was a surprise... Now we have 3 and would probably have more if we won the lottery and could afford it

smileyhappypeople · 16/06/2016 13:17

Should probably say I am not encouraging you in any way to trick him into having children haha. Ours was a genuine surprise and then involved a lot of upsetting conversations and could have quite easily had a worse outcome

flirtygirl · 16/06/2016 13:21

Move on as you will grow to resent him, he may change his mind but if he doesnt you are stuck and time marches on.

You are young now but you wont be forever, you can find the person who truly meets all your future goals or you can remain stuck.

And its easier to start again at 24 then 34 and easier at 34 than 44. Time moves quickly and if you are sure you want children dont miss your chance, you wont love him if this happens as your resentment would have turned to hate.

Eeeek686 · 16/06/2016 13:25

I absolutely Did Not want kids at your ages - was Certain.

Am 41 now with a 3yr old and a 1yr old! Grin (both wanted and tried for, btw)

From my personal experience you can never say never, unless you're much older.... although I would've vehemently denied it at age!

I know it's no help but really only you can decide this one.... do you want kids sooner rather than later? May be a deciding factor.... I would be willing to bet in 10yrs when all your mates are planning family Barbies and camping trips and talking about when the little buggers will finally sleep over a bottle of wine your OH will think differently! Wink

Kidnapped · 16/06/2016 13:34

He's not wrong to feel the way he does.

You are not wrong to feel the way you do.

There's no compromise to be had here. You can't have half a child, you can't have half a wedding.

And would you really want a reluctant husband and father? The likelihood of him sticking at either role is small if he is only doing it to get you off his back.

I think you should have a break for a while. See how you feel about each other then.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 16/06/2016 13:36

I've been in your situation, OP. The other way round though. He ended up lying to me and himself and causing a lot of trouble and heartache because we got married and ploughed on with life, then decided it was my fault that I had been honest and upfront about my lack of desire for children. I had apparently made him lie about not wanting any. He buggered off, and I had to suffer losing my home and the stress of divorce.

If there's such a fundamental schism in your beliefs about this, I'd suggest calling it quits now before you get to the situation I ended up in.

Original poster
catmummy1 · 16/06/2016 13:55

Thank you for your advice everyone it really has helped to read through them.
Think a sit down and talk and me saying how this will end is definitely needed. However if I say I will leave if he decides not to have children, I don't want him to stay and seem like I'm forcing him.

OP posts:
RaspberryOverload · 16/06/2016 13:57

Eeeek686 Thu 16-Jun-16 13:25:35
I know it's no help but really only you can decide this one.... do you want kids sooner rather than later? May be a deciding factor.... I would be willing to bet in 10yrs when all your mates are planning family Barbies and camping trips and talking about when the little buggers will finally sleep over a bottle of wine your OH will think differently!

I agree that it's the OP who needs to decide, but you imply she just needs to wait. That, I disagree with.

If, in 10 years time, he still doesn't want kids, the OP is going to find it very, very hard to walk out of the relationship to start again with someone who does want kids.

Best to have that conversation and walk off now if he's adamant.

TheNaze73 · 16/06/2016 13:58

Think that's wise OP. You are young but, if it's a deal clincher for you both, either way it'll have to come to head at some stage.

2nds · 16/06/2016 14:10

Yeah definitely a big chat about where you both stand on the marriage and kids issue.

Even though I had my first at 35 I wouldn't advise holding onto him for years in case he changes his mind, he might never change his mind.

Eeeek686 · 16/06/2016 14:13

No no, raspberry - totally Not saying she should wait, sorry if that's how it sounded! I just meant, if op knows she wants kids in the future but not now she can just chill out for a bit, as I realised i really Did want kids at around the 32-33 mark.. Dd came at 37, DS at 40!

I was just trying to say people change all the time and Unless Op wants kids in next 5 yrs lots can change? Obvs if she does want them pretty soon it's another kettle of fish!

I really did have a massive about turn on the issue, but I think i was self aware enough to know I didn't know if I would want them in 10yrs at that age, iyswim! I just used to say, Definitely not yet but never say never..... op does need to ask him but I think he might lie (even unconsciously from not wanting to lose her and genuinely not knowing that he Won't change his mind) if she gives him an ultimatum - hence why I say only she can decide?

HermioneJeanGranger · 16/06/2016 14:23

Of course things can change, but as you get older, it becomes harder to find someone who matches what you want, who doesn't have children or whatever themselves etc.

If she decides to see whether things change, that's five years of finding someone else she's missed out on. A lot of people don't have kids straight away, but I think waiting for something that might not even happen is a BIG mistake. It also gets harder to leave over time.

OP, I think you need to do what's best for you. If you want children, you need to find someone else who wants children. Don't stay with someone who has told you he doesn't want children. If you have them anyway, it's possible he'll just be resentful/angry, or you'll find yourself 10 years older, in the same situation, and finding it harder to leave and start again.

I'm not saying you CAN'T settle down in your 30's and start over with someone, but the likelihood of finding someone who wants children, doesn't have any already etc. becomes less likely the older you get.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 16/06/2016 14:29

I absolutely Did Not want kids at your ages - was Certain.

Am 41 now with a 3yr old and a 1yr old! grin (both wanted and tried for, btw)

From my personal experience you can never say never, unless you're much older.... although I would've vehemently denied it at age!

same here now 45 with a 9 year old and 5 year old, I was discussing being sterilised at 29.

OurBlanche · 16/06/2016 14:40

On the other side: I never wanted kids. Nor did DH. Not at 20, when we met. Not at 30 or at 40. Now at 50 we don't regret it.

So he may never change his mind.

You need to have a sensible, focussed discussion about your expectations. Work it out between you when you both know precisely what the other feels/wants.

We did that fairly early on, possibly much to DHs relief Smile

MyKingdomForBrie · 16/06/2016 15:00

I left in these exact circumstances OP and didn't regret it for a second. He's being honest, take him at his word and move on while you're still young.

If you hang around ten years waiting to see if he'll change his mind you might miss the boat irreparably on the kids front.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/06/2016 15:14

Yes, have the chat.

Be careful to make it clear that you respect his views, will accept the truth of what he wants and you want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, you don't want him to just say what you want to hear.

If he decides to lie, hedge his bets, and say that maybe maybe one day he will want marriage and children, that's your worst possible outcome. You will waste valuable years backing the losing horse. Get the truth now.

MunchCrunch01 · 16/06/2016 15:23

I agree with Run while I was happy to wait to have dc til my 30s I would not stick around with a guy that doesn't know he wants them or promises he might change his mind - it's too risky. I love DH dearly but my dds are my fundamental reason for living and if he'd been flip flopping it'd have to be curtains for that relationship - life's to short to wait for someone to maybe change their mind.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 16/06/2016 15:24

At least he's been honest with you. Better you know now for sure, and don't waste your most fertile years with someone who doesn't want a family. Good luck OP.

FireTruckOhFireTruck · 16/06/2016 15:47

At least you know where you stand. It's a tough choice and you are still young, but I wouldn't stay with him on the off chance he'll change his mind, as you'll probably end up disappointed and resentful.

VulcanWoman · 16/06/2016 16:03

What the fuck is wrong with these people. Made your position clear from the off, years go by, marriage/children time comes around, ow, don't want to get married or have children, it's bullshit and spineless.

OurBlanche · 16/06/2016 16:09

What the fuck is wrong with these people Which people?

People who meet int heir late teens / early 20s and initially have a fun relationship that grows into something else? Well, what usually happens is what catmummy describes in her OP. One or the other realises that they might not be on the same page, has a bit of a ponder/panic then has a talk and makes decisions.

I know very few, soory, Nobody who, on meeting a pleasant, good enough to fuck person who 'made their position clear from the off'. How odd that conversation would be:

"Hi handsome stranger. Before we get to the fucking, I want marriage, 3 kids, a 4 bed house, a BMW and holidays in the sun"

Nope! Not sure that would work Smile

Worcswoman · 16/06/2016 16:24

No YANBU. You are being sensible and the opposite of stupid to consider your future. But only you can ultimately make that decision. I think you're looking for reassurance so..

° YANBU

° He has told you what he wants and doesn't want - believe him. Don't let him have to tell you 20 more times. Believe him.

° This is all there is, if that's all you want then be happy.

° I think you know what you want it's just scary? If you want kids then yes it will be scary to embrace change and leave the man you love. You may not love any other man as much as you love him now but would you be happy being childless? Personally the miracle of birth swamped any other relationship for me. But are you sure you can have children? If you get pregnant by your current man and he leaves you then you've not lost - you were going to lose him anyway and a baby is no barrier to a new relationship so don't feel obliged to abort if that happened. Only you know what you want so go for it and don't live a life of regret and resentment. He's being honest so respect that.