AIBU to consider leaving him?

[catmummy1]

My partner of 6 years has recently been saying he doesn't want to have children or get married. He knows I want both of these but he doesn't seem to be budging. As more time goes on the more he seems to stick with what he's saying.

AIBU to consider leaving him ?

It's a hard decision as I love him so much but this is all we will be, there doesn't seem to be much of a future ahead of us.

[VulcanWoman]

They live with the person for years knowing what that person wants. Just have a boyfriend/girlfriend if you don't want commitment, why move in together and invest all those emotions and time. Not everyone of course wants a family, nothing wrong with that, but most people do, don't start the process of heading to that point in the first place.

[TheSparrowhawk]

I know a couple of people who stuck around with a guy who didn't want marriage and kids and really really regretted it. For a relationship to work you have to want the same things in life.

[BlackberryandNettle]

Yanbu. I think you should make preparations to move on and then do so. Do it now while you still have years of fertility left! It will be hard, but a friend of mine didn't leave until 33, she is now having a baby with someone else but only after years of fertility treatment and has ended up using donor eggs.

[OurBlanche]

I don't get how you want it to work, Vulcan.

Many people live together and never get married, with or without kids, for varying lengths of times.

You just work it out as you go along. I lived with and left 2 boyfriends before I met DH - and that way back in the 80s, prehistoric Moved on because, after a while it didn't feel right any more.

Lived with DH for about 4 years before we got married, with no intention of having kids. That conversation was had because we decided to buy a flat, as it was cheaper than renting. It was a question the solicitor and bank asked us.

It happens. Not everyone gets a detailed breakdown of how a relationship will have to go or I'm out!

[ateapotandacake]

This is going to sound really brutal but you need to be clear with each other. I was with someone from the age of 19 to 28. After years of my ignoring his refusal to talk about marriage/kids we had a conversation where we put our cards on the table and although initially he made out he did want to behave like a normal grown up get married, buy a house and have kids he eventually admitted that he didn't want those things with me. I was devastated and also angry that I hadn't had the courage to speak up sooner. He was rubbish in bed too What was sad was that we ended up with a very bitter breakup and after 9 years now have absolutely no contact and a bit of me will always be angry he couldn't be honest sooner, but he is a coward and quite childish I realised afterwards.
A couple of years later I met my DP and I was pretty clear with him from early on that I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted a husband and he stepped up to the mark (and is quite frankly the greatest man I've ever met).
I am still a little annoyed that I let the ex keep me hanging around for years while we ignored the big issues, he consistently said he didn't know instead of being truthful. At the end he said he'd always known
I'm now 34 and having to decide to have my kids closer together than I'd really want as my DP doesn't want our ages to be too much of a factor. You need to talk to your fella and be clear what you both want. It's not impossible that he or you will change your mind: but the honest truth is that if you want to spend your life with someone you can see a shared future together and that's what you need to know if he sees.
Good luck.

[scaryteacher]

We didn't want kids when got married, but that changed. I was 29 and dh 34 when we had our ds. We were where we wanted to be financially and with job security, so I could go part time.

[LordoftheTits]

We are both 26, I've been with DH for five years and neither of us want children. We had that conversation pretty early on but it has become clearer as we get older that we are dead set against having them. At 21 it was more a case of "I've never fancied it", now it's "I'm making progress in establishing a career, I like our life and really don't want children".

Things might swing the other way in three or five or ten years but I really can't see it.

If he is saying these things now, you're probably best leaving while you're still so young. I knew I didn't want kids at 13 and I my resolve has only gotten stronger.

[nightandthelight]

I would sit down with him. Explain that marriage and children are non-negotiable for you. Once he has had time to think it through if he is still against then yes I would leave.

Be polite and respectful though, he is not U to not want these things but YANBU in wanting them :)

[pointythings]

I think it's important to talk honestly about these things if you're in a long term relationship. I certainly wouldn't have married my DH if he had categorically not wanted children, and I'd have walked away if he hadn't wanted to be married.

[NewRoadToHappinessxx]

People do change but if you're not even in the same book it might be better to move on - unless you love him enough to give up on your dreams forever. My current dh had several 7+ year relationships before we met (when he was 54) he never had any kids or wanted them and never even proposed until he woke up one day (probably connected to the death of his twin sister who was also childless) and decided he wanted everything he had spent so long trying to avoid!! He was lucky (😇) to meet someone 20 years younger willing to help him get what he wanted - we have twin boys who will be 4 in August and a little girl who will be 2 2 days later (I have 2 sons in their 20's too!) - he's 62 > unfortunately u haven't got 40 years to think about it xx

[Susiebearlove]

I agree with others. Talk to him. Say to him you've been thinking of your relationship and you anticipated kids would be part of it. Know you know he doesn't want them and you do, it's wise for you to part. You should tell him you love him but you don't want to resent him for not giving you children or him to be miserable for caving in. You are young but you will have to start the relationship process again and you don't know how long it will take to meet the right petson.

Do what is best for you and don't think about hurting him. You don't know that down the line this relationship will end and you will be much older. Fertility isn't straightforward

[Susiebearlove]

Sorry *now not know

[Vixyboo]

Just talk to him. I have been with dp for ten years. I am 32, he is 44. We have ds who is 2 (and fabulous!).

I have always known I want children. When I was 21 I fell madly in love with a much older man who already had kids and didn't want any more. It broke my heart but it couldn't go anywhere.

When I met my dp very early on I told him I wanted children. He said he hadn't made up his mind either way but if he met the right person he would consider it.

He also made it clear ten years ago he never wants to get married! That never bothered me but I knew I wanted children.

So we have ds and dp is fabulous with him (probably because ds is his clone!). I doubt we will ever get married. That doesn't bother me, I got my baby :-)

[SmellyTelly]

He is 26 it is very likely his mind will change by around 34

[RainIsAGoodThing]

I don't think the 'oh, he'll change his mind' stuff is helpful. Will you change yours?

I think you should assume he is as certain about his plans for the future as you are.

I've had friends on both sides of this fence. They ended things with their respective partners and have gone on to find the lives they wanted.

[LikeDylanInTheMovies]

smelly that's just guesswork isn't it? You can't pretend to know how he or anyone will think in the future.

[KC225]

At 27 my cousin married a man who said he didn't want children and never would. I guess she thought he would change his mind but he didn't. Now in her late 40s she is still with him but she never came to terms with not having a child. She has never seen my children, distanced herself from her best friend when she became a mother etc. She avoids family events with children, won't even walk past the local primary school. It's terribly sad.

Her Mother said she should never have married him. But he was honest, he told her upfront. I don't think he is to blame. Neither is she. She under estimated how much it meant to her. On that particular issue they are mismatched.

Be honest with yourself. Is it a deal breaker? You can have a wonderfully fulfilling life without children. But if you cannot imagine your life without a child, it would be easier to start afresh and meet someone now than invest further in your current relationship.

Good luck.

[PurpleDaisies]

He is 26 it is very likely his mind will change by around 34

You're basically encouraging the op to take a massive gamble that he will change his mind. What if he doesn't? If she really wants kids and he doesn't they'll have to split, she'll have wasted a big chunk of her life trying to change the mind of someone who was honest and upfront about what they wanted in the first place and might have left it too late to meet someone and have children.

Op you need a serious talk. Decide what your deal breakers are and stick to them, even if it's hard now.

[DeathStare]

Please don't bank on the idea that he may change his mind. He might but if marriage and kids are important to you this is an awfully big gamble to take.

Female fertility nose dives with age and while this isn't something you need to worry about just yet, it would be tragic if you gave him a few years to change his mind, then a few years finding the right man, then a couple of years settling down, only to then find that fertility-wise time is running out for you. Your DP can afford 20 years to change his mind about having children; you can't.

Also please be careful that he doesn't sit around hoping you'll change your mind or goes along with the idea of marriage and children because he wants to keep you. That is only likely to lead to much greater heartache further down the track.

Sometimes people are incompatible not because of personalities or love for each other but because of circumstances, what they want from life or the life stages they are at. Unfortunately love cannot conquer all.

[waitingforsomething]

If he's adamant and you're sure of It then I would leave. 24 is young and you have time to find someone who wants the same as you. It's hard but you don't want to be 10 years down the line and regretful

[BoatyMcBoat]

You want different things, and they are mutually exclusive. There is no middle ground. And you definitely don't want to have children with a man who may have agreed to parenthood in order to stay with you - that way leads to disaster.

If you split up now by mutual agreement, then there is loads of time for you both to achieve the lives you each want. If you split up now it is not complicated, and you can do it amicably (but sadly). He will understand why you need to do this - I'm sure ye doesn't want to spend the rest of his life knowing that he stopped you having children, or risk the sadness and bitterness that you will almost certainly end up feeling.