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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or have am i losing my mind?

28 replies

needhelpandadvice · 15/06/2016 21:21

H and I split last year, started seeing another guy earlier this year, nothing that serious but is starting to get that way.

He is lovely in all way but he likes to drink, sometimes 2-3 times a week as in to get drunk, sometimes more. Any way this has really been getting to me and im not sure why but im finding it upsetting, for example we had words on Sunday night about it, all was fine, he sais he understood, but when I left his he went to the shop for lager?

Its probably me losing my mind but its really annoying me. Now he tries to hide the fact he's been drinking as he knows it will upset me yet still does it, is this worth trying to work through or do I just need to take a chill pill!!

OP posts:
EsmeraldaEllaBella · 15/06/2016 21:24

I wouldn't like someone drinking that much

BigFatTent · 15/06/2016 21:26

If you're worried he has a problem, or even if you just aren't comfortable with the amount he drinks you are not going to be able to change it. End it before it does get serious. You don't need this in your life!

Wolfiefan · 15/06/2016 21:26

He knows it upsets you and still does it? He regularly drinks to excess?
He's a problem drinker. Run.

RubbleBubble00 · 15/06/2016 21:27

Iv had issues with a drinker in the past. Mentally I couldn't cope with a drinker - sets off too many feelings

exWifebeginsat40 · 15/06/2016 21:31

I'm a sober alky. my partner just doesn't drink around me as he knows I find it stressful. you can't make someone stop a behaviour you don't like - but you can make your position clear and walk away if nothing changes.

Original poster
needhelpandadvice · 15/06/2016 21:31

Thanks, that's what I was thinking. I cant explain why it upsets me but I have told him that him drinking that much and spending time with some of the people he drinks with upsets me but it doesn't matter.

Then tonight he is full of sorrys and it wont happen but I don't want to be like a mother and tell him, I would like him to respect my feelings.

Then I worry im comparing him to my H, who just wouldn't behave like that, he was far from perfect but just wouldn't act that way.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 15/06/2016 21:44

You can't change him, and you probably shouldn't try tbh if he was happy with his life before you started seeing each other. I must confess I am uncomfortable with a PP describing him as a problem drinker because he drinks more than you personally would want him too.

You can only decide if this is a deal-breaker for you. Sorry.

Original poster
needhelpandadvice · 15/06/2016 21:49

SaucyJack : I don't think he has a drink problem, he just seems to enjoy drinking to get drunk if that makes sense.

I like to have a drink to unwind and relax, that seems to be how we are different.

I need to think if I can keep going and wondering if he is drunk or not if im not around I suppose.

OP posts:
Gide · 15/06/2016 22:15

Hiding the drinking=dependent if not addicted. I'd not be happy with this. The DH and I like a drink, but I can't remember the last time I was drunk.

DeathStare · 16/06/2016 04:06

How much is he actually drinking? And how drunk is he getting? What does he do when h's drunk that you don't like? There's a world of difference between a bit tipsy (which I get after two glasses of wine these days) and talking shit/passing out drunk.

I agree that his drinking does sound a bit worrying but to be honest so does you trying to stop him seeing some of his friends.

Given that this is a newish relationship and he has been like this as long as you have been with him then I doubt he's going to change just because you ask him to. And part of me thinks why should he - how would you feel if he decided he didn't like a hobby of yours and wanted to stop it and to stop seeing the friends associated with it?

You can't change his decisions but you can change your own, and it is perfectly reasonable to decide that you don't like his behaviour (any behaviour!) and that you aren't going to stay with him because of it.

branofthemist · 16/06/2016 06:10

I am a bit on the fence. It's not a serious relationship yet and he bought some drinks after you left?

I don't see how you can tell what to do when you aren't there.

But having has several alcoholics in my family I would be wary of getting in a relationship with someone if I felt they drank too much.

How much is he drinking and is it when you aren't there?

LaContessaDiPlump · 16/06/2016 06:14

This will not get better; DH and I are like you describe and it really gets on my nerves 7 years on. I've lost respect for him a bit tbh.

I'd politely explain that you have different approaches to drinking and that it's a deal breaker for you, then move on.

Adnerb95 · 16/06/2016 06:41

Getting drunk "and sometimes more" 2-3 times a week is most definitely "problem" drinking! That is enough to start to cause long-term health problems and if it is not yet an addiction then it is certainly a good preparation for it.

How sick has the UK's attitude to drink become that people on this thread are questioning this??

WeekendAway · 16/06/2016 06:48

I have no problem with drinking almost every day, so long as it's light to moderate and very much under control. A glass or two of wine, or a bottle or two of beer max. Getting properly drunk should be a once in a blue moon thing if it needs to happen at all.

I would have a massive problem with anyone who regularly drank to excess especially if they did it with the express intention of getting drunk and especially when it's happening two or three times a week. I don't think I would be wanting to pursue that relationship much further. It sounds like very hard work.

TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece · 16/06/2016 06:49

It's a drink problem surely if after a chat with his dp about this he has to still go off and buy booze!
In my early 20s I would not have considered that an excessive amount. Once you get a job and other responsibilities that generally changes.

PirateFairy45 · 16/06/2016 07:03

Sounds like an alcoholic

SaucyJack · 16/06/2016 07:31

"It's a drink problem surely if after a chat with his dp about this he has to still go off and buy booze!"

Not necessarily at all, actually.

Perhaps he's just, y'know, happy with his lifestyle choices and isn't prepared to change them for someone he's been seeing for a few months.

I'm sure the OP means well, and I don't doubt he drinks far, far more than is healthy or necessary, but this is red flag behaviour. If he came on and posted from his perspective then we would all be telling him to run for the hills.

acasualobserver · 16/06/2016 07:36

You're six months in. You've established he's got a serious drink problem. Cash in your remaining chips and move on.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 16/06/2016 07:46

If it annoys you now, think about how annoyed you'll be in 10 years time if he's still doing it.

Personally, I wouldn't be happy with my partner drinking to get drunk that many times a week. It's not a good sign.

MissElizaBennettsBookmark · 16/06/2016 07:55

I don't think he has a drink problem, he just seems to enjoy drinking to get drunk if that makes sense.

That's a drink problem right there, if he's doing it regularly.
I have alcoholics in my family. It's not going to stop, OP.

00100001 · 16/06/2016 07:59

I'd leave him.

getting properly drunk 2-3 times a week is not normal.

What grown up feels the need need to get drunk that much? Confused

00100001 · 16/06/2016 08:00

And he is an alcoholic. he;s just a socailly accepted one at the moment.
give it it a while and his 2-3 times a week will turn into 3-4....5-6...every day.

Just5minswithDacre · 16/06/2016 08:17

I don't think he has a drink problem, he just seems to enjoy drinking to get drunk if that makes sense

Well stop thinking that Smile That#s what giving you the cognitive dissonance; You can see that there's something iffy in his drinking, but you can't name it.

Like they said^, 2/3 times a week drinking until drunk, IS problem drinking.

There are plenty of people who will say otherwise, because they too like to drink excessively several times a week, or every single weekend. Well they would say that, wouldn't they?

OurBlanche · 16/06/2016 08:18

It doesn't matter if he is or is not an alcoholic. His behaviour does not make you feel valued. Therefore YANBU to feel that he might not be the best partner for you to have, now or in the future.

You may well be comparing him to your ex... possibly because something in his actions make you feel the same way your ex did! And he hasn't taken long to let you down, has he? A few months?

Move on. You have nothng to lose but a pain in the proverbial Smile

JudyCoolibar · 16/06/2016 08:23

Drinking to get drunk is incredibly immature. Who wants to have any sort of relationship with someone who does that two or three times a week?

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