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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm beginning to think almost everyone is two-faced. AIBU?

49 replies

MarbleFox · 14/06/2016 22:59

Currently typing this out on a brand new phone while trying to work through my thoughts/feelings on the subject, apologies for any mistakes or my stunted ideas!
I completely understand that in certain situations, politeness and common decency are demanded. We're all a little two-faced, I think. We've all made polite conversation with a co-worker we secretly hate or have told a tactful, white lie.

The sort of two-facedness I'm talking about is the kind that compels people to spend a lot of time with a person, be best friends with them while having nothing but negative, nasty things about them. It just doesn't make sense to me and I've been seeing it more and more lately.

I should mention I'm 21 and currently at college, I actually skipped the "last night out" because I couldn't be bothered spending a night with a group of people who all hate one another (or seem to, from what they've all said about one another) yet insist on getting drunk together. Please tell me it gets better the older you get?

OP posts:

Original poster

MarbleFox · 14/06/2016 23:00

Negative, nasty things to say about them.* I knew I wouldn't escape without at least one typo.

OP posts:

Dozyoldtwonk · 14/06/2016 23:04

YANBU. I see this, a lot. I try to distance myself & not get involved in bitching about others but I find it hard to hold my tongue when so-called friends are slagging off supposedly good friends the minute their back is turned! I've actually dropped off seeing certain friends for this reason, I can't abide it. Chances are, they're bitching about me too!

My old mum used to say "what others think or say about you is none of your business"

WorraLiberty · 14/06/2016 23:05

Please tell me it gets better the older you get?

Not according to Mumsnet it doesn't

Lots of posts every day from people slagging off family and friends, for what they post on Facebook, yet they'd rather come here and start a public thread about them, than tell them how they really feel, or just delete them from their friend list.

Add to that, all the slating of MILs/Sils/school gate Mums etc and I'd say it probably gets worse, as people get older.

Having said that, I don't really experience people like that in RL but who knows, they might all be on internet forums slagging me off, after being nice to my face

Birdsgottafly · 14/06/2016 23:08

It doesn't seem to get any better, as you get older, speaking as a 48 year old.

You'd think that the judgement about whose sleeping with who, would die a death, but it still continues.

I'm constantly looking at people in their 40's+ and thinking "why the fuck haven't you grown up yet"?

Or stopped game playing etc.

ilovesooty · 14/06/2016 23:15

I think you probably need to find some different friends.

KissMyArse · 14/06/2016 23:19

YANBU xxx

God that MarbleFox is sooooooo unreasonable ...

WorraLiberty · 14/06/2016 23:29

KissMyArse I think you were supposed to PM that to everyone

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 14/06/2016 23:32

I've certainly found this out the hard way lately. I have a much lower opinion of people now and I don't honk I will ever really trust anyone again as over the last 6 months I've found out down terrible things about someone I considered to be one of my best friends. People can really be awful. Trying hard to remember that they can also sometimes be amazing.just haven't seen as much of that lately.

KissMyArse · 14/06/2016 23:35

Worra Check PM's hun xxxx

p.s. Love you OP, let's do coffee soon xxxxxxxxxx

DoubleCarrick · 14/06/2016 23:38

Op yanbu. However, I've spent a lot of time in therapy working out that I can choose the people in my life. I am now fortunate enough to have genuine, caring and thoughtful friends. Those who weren't good for me have faded away. I can't cope with bitching, etc, it stresses me and makes me ill

stareatthetvscreen · 14/06/2016 23:39

gawd no

gets much worse the older you get

argh

bluecashmere · 14/06/2016 23:43

YANBU. I despair daily at the way people behave but I think the exact behaviour you describe happens less as women get older and feel more confident being themselves rather than trying to fit in with the crowd. Most still merrily bitch behind backs to a certain extent though.

ForHarry · 14/06/2016 23:44

I think you can find the confidence to be more discerning as time goes on. People aren't perfect though.

sallyjane40 · 14/06/2016 23:57

It sounds as if this group have got caught up in being quite negative, maybe they feel as though they're sharing confidences one-to one, by slagging off others in the group, which smacks of them all feeling insecure...which they will do, if they think others are talking about them behind their backs...

There are positive people out there though, if you have chance to meet different groups it might be worth trying to branch out - if you have an interest that the college runs a club or interest group for, you might get to meet people where there's something specific to talk about apart from other peoples flaws. My DC spent a lot of time going out with the geology club at uni, because they were a great group of people; she met a range of people, and has a different group of mates completely than a year back.
It's a good time in your life for exploring and meeting lots of people (and you'll all be moving on in a few years anyway, so you don't have to put up with anyone annoying forever!).

LauderSyme · 15/06/2016 00:00

KissMy

OP not almost everyone, no. I know lots of lovely people who I'm sure aren't, not in the way you describe.
Sounds like the people at college aren't actually friends with each other, they just happen to find themselves in close proximity.
Groups develop cultures; this bunch has grown a horribly negative one.
It's not necessarily age-related but it gets better when you're able to exercise more discrimination in the company you keep

StrictlyMumDancing · 15/06/2016 00:04

YABU and YANBU. Not everyone is like this, but there's an awful lot of them. And those who are happy to be honest to your face may not be people you click with anyway. Bloody minefield.

It doesn't improve as you get older. What does happen though is that you improve, and your senses improve and your self awareness so that you'll either totally avoid these people, figure out decent limits and be happy enough in your own company not to let them rile you. Or at least rile you as much as they do now.

BackforGood · 15/06/2016 00:12

YABVU. People I know aren't like that (and I know a lot of people).
Clearly, from your experience there must be people like that, but it's not the way most people live their lives, no.

PastaLaFeasta · 15/06/2016 00:21

I suspect groups can be like this more, especially larger groups - you can't get on with everyone all the time, and it can be "cultural" as pp said, even one person can change the dynamic. DH has a group which bitching and mistrust, even if just one or two people it soured the whole group for me. I found it difficult at school too so I've since been more focused on one on one friendships instead - a few very very close friends rather than lots of casual friends.

LizKeen · 15/06/2016 00:29

Yeah I still see this a lot.

I just don't get it. One of my friends had always bitched about a friend she had that I had never met. Led me to believe that they weren't that close and she only put up with her because of their mutual friends. I then met this girl on a hen weekend and it became apparent very quickly that they are really really close. I lost a lot of trust in her after that. If she can bitch like that to me what is she saying about me?

I have reached a point where I can see through it more, and I can stop myself getting drawn into it.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 15/06/2016 00:40

I think its a group dynamic thing. It's avoidable if you don't do "friend groups" and keep your friends on a 1:1 basis.

"friend groups" and "friends from your friend group" are rarely real friends in my experience. Your value to them is your role in the group, and if you change in any way how you interact with the group, this threatens the group dynamics and you get bitched about.

So yes, OP, it has got enourmously better as I've got older, I don't have a "gang" or a "friend group" and I shy away from mum gangs because they are as bitchy if not worse than school/college friend gangs. But I have lots of friends, who I see separately, who don't necessarily know each other well… so I for the most part avoid what you describe.

You still come across the individuals who confide in you how awful all of their other friends are, you learn to run a mile from them because however they're speaking about their other friends - that's how they're talking about you to them!

Atenco · 15/06/2016 01:01

No, not everyone by a long shot, OP. I was very lucky when I was young. Having been horribly bullied in secondary school I was a bit paranoid and thought there must be something about me that was horrible and everyone else can see except for me. Then I met a group of people who never, ever said unpleasant things about other members of the group behing their backs (or to their faces to be honest). Unfortunately time went on and I lost touch with them but I was so lucky to know them when I did.

Many, many years have gone past but I have never really had close friends who are two-faced and if I don't like someone I am incapable of hiding it, even when they have not done anything wrong, so I have my faults, but I am not two-faced.

Out2pasture · 15/06/2016 01:20

are the group of people old friends or new friends from college?
I think it gets better as you get older and are less reliant on "friends" to enjoy life.
my daughter asked me when she was 18 if the friendships would get better, I reassured her that they do and explained my reasoning.
indeed as she has matured and met people with similar interests her friendships have (or so she tells me although I still here the occasional she said this to so and so and so and so said this).

EttaJ · 15/06/2016 01:27

YANBU. I'm mid forties and depending on the people, it's still the same as you get older. I have a friend here, a really good laugh and has a lot of friends I haven't met and will never meet (we are both expats) but I know things about them I really shouldn't and they would be horrified if they knew. This makes me deliberately not tell her anything "juicy" because if she talks to me about them , she will talk to them about me.

I try to avoid people that bitch about people and then still spend time with them.As you get older you have less tolerance for toxic people. I have less friends but trust them more. The whole cliche of keeping your circle small blah blah is true for me.

Biglettuce · 15/06/2016 01:34

I'd actually seek out some new friends.

Lots of people are really nice, not bitchy on the whole. No one is perfect, and there are always a need to vent a little about people. But there is a line.

At 21, you may have got yourself in a crowd that you think are OK. Get another crowd basically.

user1465876185 · 15/06/2016 01:36

My 18 yo daughter refused to go to her leavers dinner for much the same reasons. I think its a sign you are maturing and the others still stuck being 13 year olds. I don't think its uncommon either, in my daughter's last school year we had all sorts of bullying issues going on. What was once a brilliant group of girls all changed when the last remaining ''popular'' girl joined their group as hers disbanded into the workforce. That group would all snipe and bitch about each other behind backs. Its severed many friendships. The main thing for you is to find new interests and from that new friendships will form. there will always be morons out there, but there are diamonds as well! Good luck. x

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