aibu? DD bedroom :-(

[caroline161]

DD (14 ) doesn't keep her bedroom very tidy. One of her friends mums messaged me to say that her daughter had left some perfume in dd bedroom which she thought had fallen down the side of the bed. I just went up to l look and i can only think that dd thinks it is some sort of holding area for the bin, dishwasher, washing machine and a food storage area for half eaten food.

In dd defence she works really hard at school and excels she also does dancing and is generally a busy girl.

But I just don't feel that cleaning her room is my job Aibu? I work 24 hrs a week and I don't feel in the long term I will be doing her any favours as no one will suddenly clean for her whens he leaves home. But I also feel a bit mean and wonder what other mums do. According to dd everyone else is cleaning for their children.

I've told my three - who are all younger than your DD- that I will clean their rooms if they are tidy. I don't see the tidying as my job. In practice they rarely get cleaned because they are v untidy - but not with plates / food - or laundry. Just toys and clean laundry everywhere!

My 8 year old and 3 year old keep their rooms tidy and rubbish free. The only thing I do is make the 3 year old's bed because she's still a disaster doing it.

Simply put they aren't allowed friends over if they fail to keep their rooms tidy. Seems to be enough of an incentive for them.

Age 14 she should be responsible for her own room irrespective of how many hours you work.

no i dont, it is a horrible mess but i think they need to learn.

Mine have to tidy their rooms the night before the cleaner comes it she doesn't clean it. (She would but I don't see why she should tidy up after them too).

I just close the door now. It's not worth the effect on my blood pressure.

Every few weeks her Dad will tell her to sort it and it stays tidy for a few days then slowly returns to a pigsty. She's 18, I thought she'd have been tidier by this point.

It was decorated in January by me and my dad and was everything that she wanted. It isn't very big but I just can't stand the lack of hygiene. When she goes out she is immaculate with hair and makeup done. People wouldn't believe how she lives.

Sounds like a typical teenage bedroom to me. Mine were fine about keeping them tidy until they were about 10 and have been a nightmare ever since. I have a rule that no food and drink (except water) goes in bedrooms and beyond that I just shut the door if I can't bear it.

caroline- I think people would believe how she lives.
I have a 16 year old DD who is just the same. She is a dancer too, so her room is awash with school stuff, dance gear, make up, empty food wrappers.
She has a big room with an en suite and a laundry basket. I will wash clothes that find their way to the laundry basket , deal with damp towels ( hang them up to dry and deliver clean clothes, but that's it.

She works very hard at dance and school, is never out late, doesn't drink or smoke, doesn't have a boyfriend ( dances 18 hours a week outside school so no time)
She is polite and easy going, is a loving family member, has a good cheerful attitude, will cook for us and bring us cups of coffee.

The untidy bedroom is a non issue for me. I close the door.
I feel I have gotten off lightly if that'a all I have to worry about.

Gosh I must be a tyrant. I don't allow food in bedrooms and twice a week we spend some time tidying bedrooms, I'll be upstairs with them and checking on all 3 but they do it themselves. They are 7, 9 and 12. The 12 year old does 21 hours a week gymnastics plus other sports and still does it. Takes no more than 30 mins each and they change their bedclothes regularly and they give their own bathrooms a general clean too, DS has ensure, girls have shared bathroom. I go in after to do a deeper clean of bathroom if needed.
I have to do it regularly otherwise mess can get out of hand.

My view is that they're the ones that have to live in it, so if it's a mess then it's their problem. I do have a no food or drink (except for a bottle of water) rule though. DS will have a mad tidying up session every couple of months, but his room is usually a mess. Not unclean though, due to the no food or drink rule.

Not the point of the thread but why on earth is the parent of DDs friend messaging you about her 14 year old's perfume?

That would be more pertinent in my mind.

Isn't that something that girls of that age message one another about? Rather than their parents?

Does she think your DD has nicked it or something?

My DCs (10 and 12) are the same, I do bits of tidying and sometimes help them if they are making a really good effort but I do find just shrugging my shoulders to the wails of "have you seen my leotard/school tie/trainers" quite effective. The main issue I have with DD (10)'s room is changing the bed, she has a fairly enclosed bottom bunk/den and it's really hard to get the bottom sheet on and off the bed. When you have to wade through about 100 teddies/discarded clothes/books etc it doesn't help. My technique now is to load it all into a couple of big blue Ikea bags, change the sheet and dump it all back in again.

My daughter's room was always immaculate but my son's OMG it was like a pig stye!! I gave up in the end and just used to shut the door. Fast forward 20 years later and he's Mr Houseproud lol.

My daughter is 8. No food upstairs only water. Also no friends if it is a pit. I will help out and give it a good clean once a season and only if i am worshiped as amazing Mummy ie thanked for my effort. If not door closed. i clean the floors so she will make sure the floor is cleared as i have no mercy on beads, crafts etc.

I've now started doing a weekly room inspection for dd (13 next month) as I found exactly the same down her bed. We redecorated, new carpet and furniture etc two years ago, and she hasn't shown any respect to it at all.
If the room (and wardrobe) isn't tidy, she gets her iPhone and iPad taken off her and no tv until the week after. It does seem to be working so far.

she needs to learn or else she may turn into one of those messy adults that no-one wants to share accommodation with.

you could try taking the bedroom door off its hinges till she learns to clean up after herself. that's hardcore.

or switch off the wifi til she falls into line.

My room was a disgrace for years and my mum used to flip her shit about it all the time. She didn't once tidy it for me, she just shouted at me and grounded me until I cleaned it.

I'm now 26 and would happily live in a show home, I hate mess.

My DDs (teens) room is a complete tip. I despair. I try and be zen about it as I know if that's the worst complaint I have I got off lightly (sadly it's not the worst complaint )

I try and scope it for hygiene purposes and cutlery/plates/bowls/mugs/glasses every couple of days. They have a checklist I printed and stuck on the door (change beds every fortnight at least, hang school clothes up, bring down recycling etc) and occasionally DH will pointedly leave the Hoover in the middle of their floor where they just walk around it

A few months ago I lost my shit at the state of it and spent six hours cleaning everything out and left it looking lovely. They did like it and were grateful but it's slipping again.

I do honestly try not to give a shit but it just seems so disrespectful - leaving all the mugs up there, leaving my fucking straighteners on the floor, beds full of towels etc DH is a very tidy person who loves to clean, he doesn't even venture in it in daylight any more

I was the same as a teen. I probably would still be but I make a bit of an effort as a matter of respect for DH, likewise he relaxes out of respect to me. You'd think the DC would be somewhere in the middle, but no, all the DDs are mini me-s.

I feel everyones' pain here.

I shared with my dsis as a teenager and her side was always a tip - I used to find dirty plates in her drawer when I was pinching clothes and mugs growing new life-forms. The sad thing is she's now in her fifties and when she stays over is exactly the same! I have to check the drawers in the guest room...
Some people don't seem to have the tidy-gene, and some of us get to clean up after them. For ever.

My dcs are much younger that your dd.
I expect them to tidy up at the end of the day, EVERYDAY.
I expect them t clean their bedroom, ie dust and Hoover, about every two weeks. Beds changed once a week

Food is normally not going into the bedrooms, even though there is no 'rule' for that. But any empty mug/glass/whatever is expected to be tidied at the end of the day anyway (so back in the dishwasher/bin).

Dc1 has been known to put all the rubbish in his bedside drawer. So we now look in it every so often.

So... If your dd thinks she is hard done, I would advise her not to come to our house

Minnie did you say your dd is doing 21 hours of gymnastic a week?!?

Missing the point of the thread there.

My oldest is 17. She's doing her A levels at the moment, working and studying so really stressed. She's actually told work she won't be in until after her final exam now as it's got too much.

Her bedroom was a tip. Literally knee high with clothes, food wrappers, make up, hair stuff, cables... I had to take a full day last week while she was off at half term and we emptied everything out. She then sorted all her clothes in clean/unclean/keep/charity shop/wardrobe/drawers and after taking 8 loads of washing down she folded and hung everything else up and the room is now spotless. She's kept is really good for a week which is a record for her. I think it was just too much for her to tackle and needed me pushing her. All I did was literally bin rubbish and throw clothes out onto the landing for her to deal with.

Offer a one time deal and then it's down to her but if it gets to the state my DD's room was she will never tackle it because it's just too overwhelming.

There is absolutely no way I would have tolerated half eaten food left in bedrooms. That's a health hazard. You'll have mice next.

Our rules were all crockery and glasses downstairs and in the dishwasher before it goes on at night.

Clothes etc on the floor it's up to them but our two weren't bad really.

my kids have half eaten food in their room old apples cores and stuff like that. i ban them eating in the room. and then i forget their banned and it starts all over again!!!

ds(12) is ok-ish.

He's good with putting laundry in his laundry bin, rubbish in paper bin because both are very accessible in his room.

Also because he knows he needs to bring his laundry/rubbish to me when asked so if its not in the bin already its a chore to tidy up.

He's got a large general junk drawer which again is accessible (under his TV/xbox) and keeps things out of view and is reminded to give it a clear out now and again.

He's not as consistent with glasses and plates being returned to the kitchen, so we go through a cycle of him not being allowed food or drink in his room and he's getting better and the bans are less and less.