aibu? DD bedroom :-(

[caroline161]

DD (14 ) doesn't keep her bedroom very tidy. One of her friends mums messaged me to say that her daughter had left some perfume in dd bedroom which she thought had fallen down the side of the bed. I just went up to l look and i can only think that dd thinks it is some sort of holding area for the bin, dishwasher, washing machine and a food storage area for half eaten food.

In dd defence she works really hard at school and excels she also does dancing and is generally a busy girl.

But I just don't feel that cleaning her room is my job Aibu? I work 24 hrs a week and I don't feel in the long term I will be doing her any favours as no one will suddenly clean for her whens he leaves home. But I also feel a bit mean and wonder what other mums do. According to dd everyone else is cleaning for their children.

My dds were both the same when they were teenagers and working hard at school.

My rules were.....
They can leave their bedroom how they like as long as there weren't "health and safety" concerns
So all food, plates, drinks etc had to be removed from the bedroom and if you couldn't see the carpet, a path had to be cleared to prevent tripping etc.

This may all sound a bit mad but it did work. Their rooms were horribly untidy BUT they didn't smell and you could walk around without falling over something.

I'm messy tbh so I don't insist on tidy too much but we have a no food and drink rule and once a week usually a sat they have to pick up all clothes and either hang or put in washing basket

Another dancer's mum here - I'm beginning to notice a common theme here!! About a year ago, her room had got into a complete state, what with GCSE's auditions, training and whatnot she was never at home long enough to do it. There was no point in nagging her, it had got too far out of hand and she wouldn't have know where to start.

So one day I totally blitzed the whole room, reorganised everything, got shot of all the clothes that didn't fit her any more, bought some storage boxes and baskets and just had a massive go at it. When she came home, she was so grateful and thrilled that I'd done it and made it look so nice, that I got what I wanted - from then on she did actually keep on top of it herself.

I'm not everyone's else's mother, it's a shame you're stuck with me, but that's life - tidy your pig sty room

They can keep their rooms tidy. It's not a huge ask. It's not like you're asking them to clean the whole house, top to bottom. My parents both worked when I was a teenager and I did lots of household stuff.

No food allowed upstairs here so that would solve that problem.
Mine don't clean their bedrooms but they are responsible for keeping them tidy - otherwise they don't get cleaned!
Generally speaking they're pretty good but if it's getting out of hand then I'll happily send them to their rooms to sort it out.
With DC1 it's more about finding homes for 'stuff' and not letting it pile up under his (cabin) bed usually following Christmas, a holiday, etc.
DC2's nickname is parquet...because everything apparently belongs on the floor! I just dump it on her bed till she gets fed up and puts it away.
DC3 is the best of them apart from being a bit of a hoarder but we'll regularly go through it and filter it; mostly realising that it's crap and can be binned.

My oldest son's room was always so untidy. I'd even find school lunches that he hadn't eaten and had shoved into the wardrobe. Utterly disgusting.

However, he's just completed his first year at uni and whenever we've visited his room has been spotless. In fact, you wouldn't believe that he and five males shared the kitchen as it was always clean and tidy.
He's home on Saturday for the Summer so we'll see if living on his own has changed him, or if being home will make him revert back to his old ways. He has been disgusted by a girl who lives in the next door flat though. She leaves food, used plates and pans lying around in her room and there's not any floor space to walk on (I've seen photos!!).

According to dd everyone else is cleaning for their children.

Well, of course that's what she's going to say.

I have a no food/drink rule other than water and the odd pack of Haribo in bedrooms too. DD (10) is MUCH more untidy, chaotic and unhygienic in her room than DS (8), to my surprise. (So far...)

One thing I discovered, after many, many rants, was that neither of them knew what "tidy your room" or "clean your room" actually meant. They literally didn't know what tasks to do, and didn't understand how to get to the end result I was expecting. They didn't know how to stack/organise/put away/group things together/what went where/what counted as rubbish/how to polish/how to hoover/how to not be a hoarder and to throw the millions of bits of paper they seem to get through away, unless it's a special piece of work.

So now we do it together or I get them started and show them or give them very specific, micro-managing instructions. They also strip their own beds. If I'm feeling very benevolent and have time, every few months I'll have a big sort out with them.

I think sometimes my kids a) don't notice that they are in a pit cos it's their comfy place or b) feel overwhelmed by the scale of the task and don't know where to start.

dodo I'm glad she appreciated it. I'd have gone batshit if my mum had done that - I like my privacy too much!! It was another reason to keep my room very, very tidy! 😁

I am giving a hollow laugh reading about the mothers of 8YOs and how tidy their rooms are! It was like that here once upon a time. Now they are 13 and 16, not so much!

OP if it's any consolation, it seems like your DD's room is remarkably normal

Mine were fine when they were younger - well DS1s was, DS2 has always been a bit less tidy. As teenagers though, that's the way most of them are - I was the same myself even when I had my own place. I am a bit of a control freak about laundry though so every Friday night/Saturday morning I insist on them bring it all out and sorting it into pile and I deliver all the clean stuff to be put away. Once the laundry has been done, there isn't usually too much left to tidy. so I request that it is done as well (not always complied with) so they don't tend to get toooo bad...

If it's tidy, I will clean and hoover. I work full time as does DH, DSs have a lot of activities and work hard at school.

If they are away at camp (at the moment virtually every weekend), I will give their rooms a decent tidy/clean.

They usually change their own beds but again, if they are away. I'll do it, I hate to waste a good drying day too.

I can still remember the near heart attack I would have upon returning from school to the smell of Pledge wafting downstairs from my bedroom. It meant my mum had gutted the place and no doubt found all the shite I'd been stashing.

I like clean and tidy so I do clean and tidy dds room. But this is my choice and dd doesn't expect it or demand it.

I did go away the other weekend and upon my return was utterly shocked to find dd had decluttering her bedroom and it was clean and tidy.

Dd knows though if I tidy the rule is I can nose a bit and if she doesn't want me in her room it needs to be half way decent.

Yes Aristotle, she is National Minor level and 21 is a quiet week. We clean Tues afternoon (short gym day) and Friday (same).
Honestly it only takes 1/2 hour with everyone mucking in to keep on top of upstairs. I work mornings so have enough to be doing. My hardest is DD2 (9) who has HF ASD so we have to keep the routine.
We also have a rule that the playroom is tidied before bed or they lose reading time, there is plenty shelf space for projects ts in progress (lego/craft etc) but I do expect floor empty and no food/glasses etc.
It works for us and the kids are used to it.

I don't mind the mess (well, I do but kids are allowed to have their own space) but I won't accept dirt in my house.

If I am running out of glasses, or plates seem to have disappear, it means they are all upstairs hoarded somewhere and that's not on. My own kids have the choice: either I call a cleaner and their pocket money pays for the service, or they do it themselves. It works so far. Once they start school, I don't want to hear "where is my...?" . Their mess, their problem.

I think their brains rewire a lot in these years.

I wouldn't go crazy about it if all another behaviour is ok.

Health and safety standards. No food and a clear floor. Laundry in the basket and towels hung up and not left to moulder.
Windows open every morning, and bedding changed every week or so.
We Kondo quite regularly as they're growing, so clothes go to smaller friends and family.
Not having too much stuff helps, as there's space to put things away.

The rest is up to them. And if grades are high, and they have friends, well, a bit of a mess is ok.
We have family chores every Saturday: Tidying, vacuuming and deep cleaning- loud music on and everyone pitches in.

Typical teenage behaviour. I would draw the line at food though.

Oh I have one of these!! The food shoved under the bed, doesn't change sheets, the pots. It's absolutely horrendous, but I've always been really tidy so don't understand how she lives like that. She also makes sure she looks immaculate when leaving the house. Not sure how she manages it.
I regularly have to have a "pots amnesty " whereby I go upstairs to my room whilst she brings down all the pots and cutlery and gets them In The dishwasher without me having to see a quantity (I already know as I have nothing left downstairs!) or what is growing in them.
I have given up on arguing with her and dread how she will live when she leaves home but there is nothing more I can do short of arguing every day. It's frustrated me because she has a beautiful grown up bedroom with plenty of storage. I would have given my right arm for a room like that at her age.

I think those preening over their pre teens tidying there rooms may be in for a sharp shock in a few years.

My two Dds were tidy and helped around the house with limited proding until they were 13ish.

Then the shit hit the fan..or at least that's sometimes what it smells like . Although dd1 has recently acquired a boyfriend do it is slightly better most days.

ExtraHot I think she appreciated it because she'd got to the point where she couldn't actually find anything to wear any more, and and was also embarrassed at the state it was in - so much so that she wouldn't let her mates round In her defence, as well as normal clothes and school uniform she had humungous shedloads of dancewear/shoes too, and had literally no free time or the energy to do it herself.

When I went to visit dd1 in her flat I asked if I could sprinkle sugar over the worktops, lye wet towels on the floor and if I should place the contents of my suitcase on her bedroom floor

She asked why?

So you feel at home my sweet.....??

It's far to tidy in her flat

This will out me but...I once found a very elderly Yorkshire Pudding , which had been used as an ashtray, under ds's bed !

Ds1 is 13 and his room is immaculate. Ds2 tends to dump his clothes on the floor but as I kiss him goodnight every evening I tell him to get his arse out of bed and put the clothes where they belong. He is 10.

I dust and hoover their rooms but bed making/stripping the bed/tidying is for them to do.

Ds1 is over the top helpful, he unpacks the dishwasher in the holidays as he beats me to it, this is without being asked. He genuinely sees stuff that needs doing. When I unpack the dishwasher I put all the clean glasses on the worktop nearest to me and Ds1 moves them to the cupboard. He is saintly. It is sickening.

We have a nightly routine of a quick tidy before the children go to bed so they are used to putting stuff away.

I found something when I tidied my son's bedroom that I put a thread about on here and it ended up in the press/on loose women....

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