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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have cancelled treat for DC after constant arguing?

31 replies

CocktailQueen · 01/06/2016 11:50

On holiday this week. Had booked a treat for the DC and were driving there today. On the way - only in car ten mins - they were arguing and niggling with each other. Warned them but they carried on.

I then said that if they couldn't be nice to each other in the car for ten mins then I wasn't going to take them to treat. Turned car round and came back to our holiday cottage.

Dd is 12, ds is 9. Dd can be horrible to ds, really snarky, picks him up on everything. She is lovely to everyone else and to her bf's little sister, which winds me up - why can't she be nice to her own db?

Anyway, wondering what to do with the rest of the day now...

Don't think I was being U - this has come on top of a lot of arguing and attitude etc! And I thought this might make them think twice before doing the same again in future? I hope, anyway.

But their arguing makes me so sad, that they have spoiled a day out and they don't know how lucky they are to have each other... Gah.

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 01/06/2016 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

19lottie82 · 01/06/2016 11:57

Nah I think you did right. There's no point with empty threats with kids or they will never learn IMO.

Can you rearrange for another day? Pending good behaviour of course

MatildaTheCat · 01/06/2016 11:58

YANBU although ds doesn't sound quite as responsible for the bickering. 12 is a hideous age for a girl, she probably hates everyone and everything most of the time.

I would draw a line under the episode and do something less demanding even if she stays sulking in her room all day.

Out of interest was she upsetting ds or was it just getting on your nerves? Sometimes siblings do just squabble endlessly for fun. Confused

Janefromdowntheroad · 01/06/2016 11:59

I'd do the same and have done.

I'm having a real crack down on exactly that type of behaviour at the moment. It's so wearing.

WineIsMyMainVice · 01/06/2016 11:59

Well done on being strong enough to carry through your threat. There is nothing worse than constantly giving chance after chance after chance - what does that teach them.
Hopefully they'll remember and you'll enjoy the rest of your holiday with a bit less arguing!

WorraLiberty · 01/06/2016 12:05

Sometimes you have to do this and stay strong about it.

I used to look at it like an investment for the future, so they really do know where you draw the line.

I think I only ever had to do it twice, and that was about 5 years apart so it really did work.

SaucyJack · 01/06/2016 12:07

Nah, of course YWNU.

They are plenty old enough to understand that their behaviour has consequences.

Go and read a book in the garden. On your own.

BranTriLlygaid · 01/06/2016 12:12

Hmm, though you're not wrong to follow through on your threat, you're daughter isn't behaving that different from any child her age. No, it's not nice, but I also had a younger brother at that age - the differences between us (along with new found hormones) became very apparent. It's easier to become irritated at that age, perhaps the treat would have kept her distracted? I hope it doesn't mean you have a day of her sniping at him now instead. Not condoning that sort of behaviour, just remembering at that age you do start becoming a bit of a different person. Oh, and don't use that 'you're lucky to have each other' line on them, some siblings aren't that close, that's ok! Don't try and force a relationship, she's naturally pulling away at the moment, she will more than likely come back into the fold on her own.

Original poster
CocktailQueen · 01/06/2016 12:16

Thanks, Bran, am trying to remember that!

And thanks all.

I know dd is hormonal etc., but she can be civil to her brother. Really she can. I do cut her slack but I hate this. And yes, ds was upset.

Weather is shit here so no sitting in garden! Ffs.

OP posts:
AndNowItsSeven · 01/06/2016 12:19

You were right to carry it through but I wouldn't have said it in the first place.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/06/2016 12:20

DMIL once threw dh and his brother out of the car for bickering. She had warned them that's what she'd do if they carried on, and they (well, dh, actually) did - so she carried through on the threat!

She was on a long, straight, undulating country road, so pulled over, turfed them out, and drove away, leaving them plodding along behind her. She stopped again, about 1.25 miles on, and waited for them - she could see them in her rear view mirror whenever they crested one of the undulations, there was nowhere they could go, because the road was fenced off, and no traffic around, so they were safe enough (and it was 43 odd years ago, when there was less traffic - and less H&S awareness too).

Eventually they reached the car, got back in, and were very, very quiet for the rest of the journey home.

I think you did exactly the right thing, OP - and next time you tell them something bad will happen if they carry on bickering, they will remember this, and hopefully they'll belt up!

AugustaFinkNottle · 01/06/2016 12:37

Sounds slightly rough on DS unless he was as guilty as his sister. Can you take him somewhere nearby on his own?

DoopDoopBiscuit · 01/06/2016 12:39

DM once took DB home from his own (joint) birthday party! Shock She must've threatened it then felt she should follow through with the threat when he didn't behave. To be fair, I never remember her being a strict parent at all (probably didn't need to be after that!)

Dancergirl · 01/06/2016 12:40

they don't know how lucky they are to have each other

They are still very young and can't appreciate that yet.

I think parents put unrealistic expectations on their children's relationships with each other. It is VERY normal to find your siblings intensely irritating and sometimes it's fun to wind them up. Because it's safe and you know they'll still love you.

Teen and pre teen girls can be horrendous but often they genuinely can't help behaving like they do.

It is very upsetting to see your children being vile to each other. But forcing them to be nice doesn't bring results and can often result in more resentment.

I know it's been said a thousand times on here but the book 'How to talk....etc' is really helpful. Acknowledging and accepting their angry feelings really does help them calm down.

Nanny0gg · 01/06/2016 12:48

Did they ask/expect the treat?
Could it have been used as the carrot (be nice to each other for half a day and we'll go) rather than the stick ( stop it or we'll go back home).

And yes, it would be lovely if they could remember their manners and at least be civil to each other, but they're siblings, they're rivals and no law says they have to like each other.

WhatTimeIsItCuckoo · 01/06/2016 13:01

I completely hear you OP, mine 11, 10 & 5 are dreadful at the min for this, I'm honestly wondering how I'll survive this half term! It doesn't help that the older ones use the little one as some sort of pawn to get onside then proceed to gang up on the third one Angry. As a pp said, it's sooo wearing. I struggle as the older two have been invited out later, one to a sleep over, and whilst I'm somewhat loathe to let them go due to their behaviour, it'll be a relief to get them out of the house! Flowers Wine

Original poster
CocktailQueen · 01/06/2016 18:56

I have the 'how to talk' book, Dancer, and will reread it! But it wasn't anything major and no angry feelings, just silly, niggling, cross, bickering feelings.

I know they're young to get the idea, and I know they don't have to like each other, but I'm not having this sort of atmosphere for the next 6 years! It would drive me insane.

My sister and I weren't allowed to act like this! And preteens can't have changed that much since I was one. Hmm

The treat was at a specific time, so not something that we could do later. Tough.

OP posts:
Cocochoco · 01/06/2016 19:00

I find the bickering horrendous and would have done the same as you (then regretted it hugely as it won't actually help!). I find that changing the setting helps, if you can get out of the door without fighting. But the best thing is just keeping them apart. Mine go for separate sleepovers to their granny's, and we take them out as much as possible on their own. It's not what I want but we are all happier that way.

bakeoffcake · 01/06/2016 19:07

My Dds had a 3 year age gap. They got on very well until Dd1 got to 11, when she suddenly thought Dd2 was terribly immature and beneath herHmm

I didn't grow up with my sister so I was adamant my Dds should appreciate and love each other however I realised they are too young to really understand this. But I was very strict with dd1 regarding her behaviour, if she was rude, belittling or snidely to her sister she was told off and made to apologise.

Ywnbu today. If I were you I'd speak to your dd, on her own and explain you aren't going to put up with her behaviour and she needs to show kindness to her brother.

kerbys · 01/06/2016 19:08

My children were about the same age, and as usual they were arguing over a game.

I said, "If you can't speak to each other nicely then don't speak to each other at all".

They never spoke to each other again, ever. Sad

bakeoffcake · 01/06/2016 19:08

Oh just to add they are 22 and 25 now and whilst they are totally different personalities they got in very well arms onbvioulsy love each other.
I think on the whole it is natural to bicker and they do grow out of it.

bakeoffcake · 01/06/2016 19:09

Gosh kerbys how old are they now?

kerbys · 01/06/2016 19:18

bakeoff thirties.

Lilacpink40 · 01/06/2016 19:24

"My sister and I weren't allowed to act like this!" Neither were my sister and I and I've cancelled things now my two argue after I've warned them not too. It's particularly dangerous in cars as driver can be distracted!
I think you were teaching them that bad behaviour leads to negative consequences Grin PS. I get in really well with my sister now

Mycraneisfixed · 01/06/2016 20:00

I loathed my 9 year old sister when I was 12. Get on fine now. I'd have found a kid brother even more annoying. What 12 year old girl wants to spend time with her 9 year old brother?!Confused Punish if you will but stop blaming the oldest for everything.