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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going to bed at the same time as DC's

37 replies

Myusernameismyusername · 26/05/2016 22:40

My DD's are early teens and do not seem to like it if I stay up later than them. I am a single parent and have been for many years. They have their own rooms.
They will often call out to me and just now DD1 said 'aren't you going to bed now?' And before DD2 went up she kind of stood near me looking like she was waiting for me to go up too. And they do this most nights

I've asked them if they feel scared of the dark or such like and they say they don't.

I feel like I am BU if I stay up a little later than them for no good reason at all. I am a grown up. I sometimes feel like I am expected to be part-child as well?!!
Does it just make them feel more secure and should I tell them they are BU expecting me to go to bed when they would like.
Confused about this concept ConfusedConfusedHmmSmile

OP posts:
Fairylea · 26/05/2016 22:43

Of course you should tell them they're being unreasonable! You're the adult, you get to go to bed whenever you like! Shock

nephrofox · 26/05/2016 22:44

Maybe they are looking ti you for guidance on when they should go to bed? 10.40pm seems late for 2 early teens to still be up on a school night? When did their bedtime routine get dropped?

Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 26/05/2016 22:44

I know they are BU but I still don't understand why!

OP posts:
Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 26/05/2016 22:45

It's 10.40 now, they been in bed for around 45-50 mins but clearly DD1 isn't asleep because I am not tucked up in my bed!

OP posts:
Champagneformyrealfriends · 26/05/2016 22:46

Not a school night everywhere-I think a lot have an inset day tomorrow round here. They're scared of missing something! I was like that as a teen.

Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 26/05/2016 22:47

Bed is 9.30 ish but often gets dragged out by doing last moment cannot wait till morning/hair drama/finding the cat for another 20 mins which is annoying

OP posts:
pollyblack · 26/05/2016 22:51

If they're dicking about at bedtime then make bedtime earlier to build that time in. I think 9-9.30 is fair enough. I would def try to enjoy some time aline when they are in bed.

ReturnOfTheJewel · 26/05/2016 22:52

Might be missing the point here, but would it be worth a try to go to your room for 10-15 minutes at their bedtime, brush your hair/teeth/read/fold laundry/listen to music or whatever, then go back to what you were doing as soon as they're asleep? although I'd probably tell them them that I'm an adult and to mind their own bloody business Blush

NoCapes · 26/05/2016 22:56

Do you just send them to bed? Maybe going up with them to say goodnight might help?
They're a Bit old to be 'tucked in' but maybe they're looking for that bit of comfort/reassurance from you or a bit of one on one time
I'd also add that when they're sleepy is a good time to chat, me and my mum had our best, deepest, most honest chats as a teenager when she was collecting my washing/shutting the curtains/bringing me water at night, she'd just casually ask about boys/drinking/exams etc and I'd unwittingly give her a lot more information than I would if she'd chatted to me any other time during the day

Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 26/05/2016 23:01

I do that sometimes Return, but when I don't it's like I have broken some sacred ritual! they never complain about going to bed but they are little minxes when it comes to trying to get them in there and horizontal by 9.30pm with all the sudden forgotten important things that must be done

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 26/05/2016 23:04

They obviously think you have finished mumming for the day so off you pop so you are fresh for tomorrow Grin

Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 26/05/2016 23:04

Thinking about it maybe I don't tuck them in like I used to and assumed they didn't want that anymore. Usually DD1 says 'don't start tidying up!' When I enter the teen hellhole

I will give it a try tomorrow and see if I can avoid the interrogation as to what time my bedtime will be

OP posts:
CakeNinja · 26/05/2016 23:07

Bloody hell Shock
My dds are 10 and 11. They get tucked in (I say good night to them, shut their curtains and kiss them) at 8:30/9 and off I go.
I would not be happy at being interrogated by my DC as to where i was going or what I was doing!

Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 26/05/2016 23:12

Mine don't really seem into kisses and cuddles that much nowadays. We say I love you a lot and we will all sit together with a duvet to watch a film though. To wake them up sometimes I give them a big smooshy cuddle but they usually just look at me like I am a deranged toxic witch

I am waiting for someone to come and tell me this is normal for teen girls

OP posts:
DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep · 26/05/2016 23:13

My DD is 5 and already feels she's missing out, wants to stay up with me, and do the boring jobs (I've told her that's what I do as it mostly is!). I think going up each night and getting them water, having a last word with them is a good first thing to try

stealthsquiggle · 26/05/2016 23:14

My early teen (13) DS still wants to be tucked in - that is, he wants me to go up and say goodnight and linger for a chat if he has something to get off his chest. I don't think he would settle as quickly if I didn't.

That said, half the time in the holidays I send him to bed only when I want to go to bed too!

Stillunexpected · 26/05/2016 23:16

No it's not normal. When you say early teens, do you mean they are 13 and 14? So quite old enough to understand that when they go to bed, you don't automatically have to go too and to appreciate that you might like to/need to do stuff after they have gone to bed?

I would just tell them straight out that their bedtime is 9.30 and yours is between 10.30 -11 (or whatever) and that it is in fact nothing to do with them when you go to bed. They sound like they are holding you to ransom a bit.

MadamDeathstare · 26/05/2016 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StrawberrytallCake · 26/05/2016 23:20

Maybe they don't like the thought of you being up on your own and they think you'll be sad? I used to feel like that about my dm so I would worry or stay up with her until she went to bed. Looking back I must have had a rather high opinion of myself Blush

Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 26/05/2016 23:21

I should add that I do often go up at the same time, and on those nights we all brush our teeth together and chat etc but some nights I go off piste and must mess up all the status quo. Tonight I was looking for something in a big box of paperwork and didn't go up with them. My parents didn't ever go up with me after the age of about 11 I think, they used to just say 'bedtime!' And off we would go

OP posts:
CakeNinja · 26/05/2016 23:24

Oh no, I wouldn't say mine are particularly into kisses and cuddles, but at the weekends when dp and I are drinking wine in the evenings, if it gets to about 10pm or so, we might remember we haven't 'tucked them in' - one of us will go up and they will both be there, reading, with their lights on! Wouldn't occur to them to just go to sleep and I don't know when that ends! I love tucking them in, just takes a minute, but a quick kiss and an I love you, see you in the morning, I might hang about for a chat if one of them wants to tell me abut something particular, but generally they have always been good at just going to sleep.
They aren't quite teens yet.
I would echo what a pp said, "if you're not ready for bed yet, you can fold and put the laundry away, sweep up and load/unload the dishwasher before you go to sleep." Grin

Original poster
Myusernameismyusername · 26/05/2016 23:25

I would not want them to be worrying about me, I hope they don't think I am sad and all alone Hmm
I think if they wanted to chat they would just talk. They never stop talking!

OP posts:
VioletBam · 26/05/2016 23:25

Start harassing them earlier so that by the time they've had their hair/cat dramas, it's only 9.15. Then take them upstairs, say goodnight and go down.

They're either looking for more routine or feeling insecure.

FloweryTwat · 26/05/2016 23:26

I think it's quite sweet! They just want you all to be together upstairs, perhaps they are at their most secure when they are physically close to you?

As I teen I went through stages of being almost clingy with my DM, then moody, then friendly, then tearful etc.

AdoraBell · 26/05/2016 23:28

Bloody hell OP, mine are 14, I'm alome with them a lot with DH travelling and they know that their bed time is 10.30 and I'll go to bed when I bloody well like.

Has anything changed recently?