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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse to engage in life today?

33 replies

NoCapes · 15/05/2016 11:30

DP and I have 3 kids, 6,5 & 6 months
I do everything for them and the house, he works
Recently DP has been letting me lie in at a weekend and him being up with the kids, on my lie in days he will sleep on the couch so I do all the night feeds then when baby wakes up at 6ish I take him downstairs to DP and go back to bed
Thing is, during 6ish and 10ish when he wakes me, he feeds them and that's it! Then I get up at 10 and have to get myself and everyone ready for the day, all the while him moaning about it taking so long and him wanting to go out
It seriously fucks me off
We argue pretty much every Sunday morning about it
So today I'm not really in the mood to go out anyway and he came up and started with this "get up you need to get the kids ready" bullshit
I said I don't want to go out I don't want to get them ready
So he tells the kids we're not going out
I said, you can take them out you know. He says he can't take all 3 of them, when asked why he just "can't do it"
So we're not doing anything and I'm still lay in bed. If I move I'll have to do stuff and just once I don't want to be the one to do the stuff!!

AIBU and a selfish arse though? The kids want to go to the park and are just bouncing round the house now because I'm refusing?
I really just want to call my brother and go for a cider in a beer garden

OP posts:
Original poster
NoCapes · 15/05/2016 11:31

Just read that back and it doesn't read very well, apologies, I just word vomitted a little bit Blush

OP posts:
SlinkyVagabond · 15/05/2016 11:36

Do it. If you don't stop this "letting you" have a lie in bollox it will never stop. (Bitter experience) Hand baby over with a cheerful, "daddy is going to get you ready and take you out." Then skip off to do what you want for once.

gleam · 15/05/2016 11:39

So you have to go out every Sunday? Fuck that.

Can't the kids play with a few toys in the garden for a couple of hours?

gleam · 15/05/2016 11:40

Ahem, maybe apart from the baby. I should have read the op more carefully!

CremeEggThief · 15/05/2016 11:41

YANBU. I would stay in bed or go out without them today.

Original poster
NoCapes · 15/05/2016 11:42

Yeah we usually go out every week, usually both days
DP hates to stay in and gets really agitated and restless if we don't leave the house at some point

OP posts:
gleam · 15/05/2016 11:46

Could he just take the older two to the park or for a walk?

Nanunanu · 15/05/2016 11:47

What do you normally do on a Sunday? Is it normally a family putting to corral 3 children to organised fun? If so I can see why someone would be peeved to have it dimpled on them worth no warning. Did you talk earlier in the week about what you wanted from this weekend?

What do you want to do today? How can type dp facilitate this? If it is simply toy want to lie in bed all day fine. Why do they have to go out?

What did you want them to have achieved by 10 am? Everyone fed and happy by 10 am on a Sunday seems good to me.

When does your dp get to have a lie in?

When you hand the baby over at 6 am. Was that done lovingly or were you pissed off that he had slept on the sofa (presumably to ensure he had good sleep so he could be up with the kids 6 am to 10 am so you could get done good sleep. But in a proper bed. Not on a sofa)

Yabu to want a day off and retreat from the world. Blaming your partner for not being able to psychically guess what you want is unreasonable

Original poster
NoCapes · 15/05/2016 11:49

I don't want him to though gleam I want him to look after all of his children!
I have the baby alone all day every day while the kids are at school and he's at work
You don't get the best conversation out of a 6 month old - you also can't make a drink when you want one/eat/shower/pee when you need to
He has no idea how that feels. None. I've done every single feed, nappy change and night waking for 6 months! Every single one!
Why should he get to swan off with the easy ones at the weekend leaving me stuck in this monotonous hell 7 days a week feeling like a nanny with less perks?! Why!?!

OP posts:
Niceteeth · 15/05/2016 11:53

Go out with your brother. Don't ask, just go. If you don't change the pattern now, you will regret it one day.

Original poster
NoCapes · 15/05/2016 11:55

NanuNanu I wanted him to have the kids dressed/washed/teeth brushed/hair done actually ready by 10am, and himself showered and dressed while baby napped
Like I manage by 8:15 by myself every morning

No there is no discussion during the week, he woke me up, the whole family descended into the bedroom with a "what shall we do today kids?" That's when I said nothing

They don't have to go out, it's that they want to go out, so I don't understand why they can't without me - the person who doesn't want to

No I did not dump the baby on him, all of this him sleeping on the couch/getting up with the baby on a Sunday is his idea
You seen to think he's doing me a massive favour? How about those days I get up 3 & 4 times in the night and get up at 6 and have all 3 kids all day? Where's my fucking parade??

OP posts:
gamerchick · 15/05/2016 11:58

Seriously, get up, get dressed then go downstairs and say you're off out. Ring your brother and go do what you want.

Your husband will survive.

Everyone wakes up sometimes and doesn't want to be a grown up today but usually we don't have a choice. You have a choice today so just go and do it.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/05/2016 12:01

So you both get up at 6.00 in the week. And you have a lie in at the weekends until 10.00. Is that right?

So he doesnf ever have a lie in?

I think its swings and roundabouts, he thinks he's right and you think you're right. No one is particularly.

Original poster
NoCapes · 15/05/2016 12:06

No I get up at 6 and get myself and all the kids sorted for school, he gets up at 7:45, gets himself ready and tootles out the door
He gets a lie in every Saturday unless he's decided he doesn't want one, the older 2 kids stay at my mums every other weekend and I get up with the baby then and he stays in bed as long as he wants

When he gets a lie in though I do stuff
The kids will be ready for the day, I will be, I'll have done a wash, made bottles etc etc
On my lie in days I literally get up and open all the blinds sometimes because he hasn't even done that
Then I have to get everyone ready for the day while he sorts himself out and is all "but I've been up with them all morning"
Does sitting on the couch just looking at them really count as being up with them?
That's what we argue about - not the sleep!

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/05/2016 12:08

Ah ok, then YANBU.,

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 15/05/2016 12:11

No it doesn't count,fuck that.he needs to pick up his act and start acting like a proper parent.Hold your groundFlowers

fuzzywuzzy · 15/05/2016 12:11

Ring your brother, when you're ready to get p and go meet your brother.

They're is children and responsibility as much as yours, he'll be fine.

You need a bit of down time by the sound of things. Do it.

LotsOfShoes · 15/05/2016 12:12

Get dressed and go out. He sounds like a wanker and you're enabling it. Your kids might not have the greatest time with him but they will be safe etc. It won't hurt them to spend a Sunday with their dad.

Nanunanu · 15/05/2016 12:21

You don't get a parade. None of us do.

But you aren't getting what you want from life either. And to get that you have to communicate.

It is not that I think he is doing you a favour. Parents are a partnership. They may approach the end goal differently but they share a goal. But does he think he has done you a favour?

I think my dp did me a favour today. I had a migraine overnight. Dp took our baby and let me lie in this morning. Without making me feel guilty that our plans for the day were cancelled. I've woken up feel better. And our plans will go ahead but slightly different. Dp will continue to do me favours and drive 3 hours today when normally I would drive the whole way or at the very least half of it.

We are not perfect by any stretch. And I get pissed off at times when I feel hard done by. But usually at those times my dp feels hard done by and the cause of our upset is lack of communication. Not actual division of labour.

Nanunanu · 15/05/2016 12:24

And why the hell have you made 3 children with a man who has never changed a nappy?

After dc1 did you think he would just magically change into a reasonable person?

Or was there other stuff he did that meant you loved him and did not mind doing all the domestic stuff? If so what were the things he did and why doesn't he do them now?

Original poster
NoCapes · 15/05/2016 12:32

Yes DP thinks he's doing me a favour

And your 'why have 3 children with him?' comment is too complicated to explain, we weren't together/living together when the others were younger, so this never came up

I'd also just like to clarify that my "lie in" isn't actually a lie in, just a couple of hours unbroken sleep, something that he gets 7 nights a week
Just for all those concerned that the lie in situation was unfair

OP posts:
Original poster
NoCapes · 15/05/2016 13:05

We've just had an argument and now he's just left all 3 kids in the kitchen and gone out because I'm not meeting his standards today
I've now got to get myself ready and finish getting the kids ready and look after them all day while he's pissed off out in the car

I literally just want to run away

OP posts:
mysteryknickers · 15/05/2016 13:15

This is crap for you. Basically he wants everything on his own terms and won't use any initiative. And I hope he didn't use those actually words to you?

He needs to step up and stop relying on you to do the stuff he doesn't want do.

gamerchick · 15/05/2016 13:18

I was kind of expecting you to come back and say that. It's like they have to bugger off first before they're left alone with the kids.

I really would advise a proper heart to heart before resentment sets in though. It starts to rot a relationship when it takes hold.

SeaCabbage · 15/05/2016 13:23

I don't think you've said if you have talked about this calmly during the week. Have you talked to him about how you would like weekends to change?

I dont' blame you because he sounds like a lazy sod but blowing your top won't help as you have seen. A calm discussion at another time would surely be more productive. Especially after you have articulated your grievances here and hopefully it will be clearer in your head.

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