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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH shouldn't prioritise his manager over this appointment?

44 replies

ThePartyArtist · 12/05/2016 13:16

DH and I have made an appointment to view a house tonight. We attempted several different times and days and this was the only one the estate agent and both of us could do. I am going to have to leave work slightly early and get a fairly expensive taxi to get there on time, but see it as worth it to view what could be a good house.

DH texted me today saying he can no longer come because his manager's asked him to stay late to cover for her, so she can collect her kid from school. DH says he will go to see the house tomorrow on his own, if I think it looks good tonight (I can't go tomorrow).

AIBU to be really annoyed because;
a) he's prioritizing someone else's childcare emergency over our prior arrangements.
b) houses in this area go fast and this potentially delays things.
c) he has agreed to cover for his boss before he even knows an alternative appointment can be made with the estate agent.
d) it puts the onus on me to say whether it's worth him viewing it.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 12/05/2016 13:22

I can understand why you're annoyed. If it's a genuine emergency cover situation at work and there's no one else to do it I think it's ok that he's staying. I don't understand why you think it's a problem saying whether or not you like the house (your part d above).

curren · 12/05/2016 13:38

Personally I think Yabu.

I do agree it's annoying, but unless this happens a lot I think stepping in to help out when someone has childcare problems is a good thing to do.

You may need the favour returning one day.

nobilityobliges · 12/05/2016 13:42

I think that unless you think that you might have to make a really quick decision on this house and unless he is constantly cancelling stuff unnecessarily for work that YABU. He has to make his own work decisions. And a first viewing isn't a big deal is it - you'll probably have to see quite a few houses before you make up your minds. Him going on his own if you like it seems like a good solution.

DoinItFine · 12/05/2016 13:45

There is no way I'm would be leaving my work early to make an appointment he can't be arsed to attend.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 12/05/2016 13:46

Depends. Is this a one off from his manager? If so and it is a genuine emergency it definitely trumps a house viewing especially as you can still go this evening

Cunties · 12/05/2016 13:48

My dh has never gone on a first house visit with me. If I don't like it it won't be bought - so he only comes to the ones I've filtered out.

DoinItFine · 12/05/2016 13:50

Actually, his boss's childcare arrangements trump nothing in her employees' lives.

He had plans made with his wife and he should have just said he wasn't free.

NewLife4Me · 12/05/2016 13:52

Unfortunately, this is the way we work today.
no doubt you or your dh have had to ask for time off for your children.
Go and view it yourself and then ask for a second viewing and go together next time.

Flibjibbet · 12/05/2016 14:02

I actually put an offer in and had it accepted before my husband came to see our house. We were first time buyers, he was on a conference so I couldn't even call him for his opinion. We both only went for one viewing so the first time we saw it together was the day we moved in. If you're anything like us you'll be the decider anyway so the plan for him to see it tomorrow without you wouldn't be too big of a deal. You could always ask to see it a third time before/after you make a decision.

AnotherCiderPlease · 12/05/2016 14:34

What Cunty said. DH barely gets a look in on house decisions!

JessieMcJessie · 12/05/2016 14:40

Think of it this way: if you like the house then you'll probably want to make sure both of you continue to have stable enough jobs to pay the mortgage. A little bit of goodwill with his manager will probably go a long way.

If you like it the house won't disapear to someone else before tomorrow, even in a fast-moving market (no agent in their right mind will let that happen if they see the potential for a bidding war...) and you'd need a second viewing yourself before committing to buying it anyway.

BYOSnowman · 12/05/2016 14:43

Yabu. No reason why you have to see it together. When dh and I house hunted I did all the first views (he did a couple) and only had a second viewing for the other (or both) if we liked it

DoinItFine · 12/05/2016 14:43

You can't fire someone for not covering your lack of childcare.

Bailing out on an arrangement your wife is going to such lengths to attend is really shit.

Ludwaysl · 12/05/2016 14:46

I can understand A, but not the rest. My dad viewed a house one Saturday morning while mum was at work, said it was nice, she viewed it on the afternoon. When we (dad, sis and I) got home from sporting even that night, mam informed us she'd put 10% deposit on house to secure sale. They're still there 38, yes 39, years later. You know whether your DH would like something, surely?

Clandestino · 12/05/2016 14:46

I can understand you're annoyed but you're BU. The work will pay the mortgage so it takes priority. He can have a look at the house whenever he wants, it's not going to fall apart tomorrow.

minipie · 12/05/2016 14:49

I think YABU but purely because it makes sense for one of you to do first viewings (unless things are really moving so fast in the market that there won't be a chance for a second viewing, in which case YANBU).

Why don't you say you'll do the first viewing on this one, but it's his turn next time there is a viewing that's tricky to get to.

EllaHen · 12/05/2016 14:54

YABU. His working relationships are for him manage

You sound a little lacking in compassion.

curren · 12/05/2016 15:07

You can't fire someone for not covering your lack of childcare.

Bailing out on an arrangement your wife is going to such lengths to attend is really shit.

No would said he would be fired. But you don't work in a vacuum. He is doing someone a favour. A fairly important one. There will come a time that he needs a favour. It's give and take.

Helping colleagues out is a fairly normal thing to do, especially when it's desperate and can be a good way to get ahead.

DoinItFine · 12/05/2016 15:16

It can be a good way to get ahead.

But there is no need to do it when you already have plans that were difficult to out in place.

It's absolutely fine to say "no, sorry I've can't, I'm have an appointment.

To expect your wife to leave her work early and get a cab so you can suck up to your boss rather than respect the plans you made together is shit.

Of course the OP has every right to be passed off at being presumed upon like that.

Presumably her job is of zero importance to anyone and she can pop off early whenever Mr Important's boss sorts out her own shit.

BYOSnowman · 12/05/2016 15:21

But she has already agreed to leave early and there is no reason that they both have to go and he has said he will take time out from work tomorrow to go

I could understand if it was a medical appointment or such like but it is a house viewing they can do separately

DoinItFine · 12/05/2016 15:25

She agreed to leave her work early on the basis that he would also be there.

Now he is letting her take the hit of being the one who leaves early for an appointment he can't even be arsed to show up for.

That is really bad form.

This appointment was made to suit him. There might have been other times that were suitable if he had made it clear how unimportant it was for him to be there.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/05/2016 15:27

It all depends really. In our office it tends to go, "crap can anyone cover me, childcare let me down?" One person might say that they can if no one else can (your DH) at a push if there is really no other option. Because one day you might need it and an office culture of helping out and valuing people's home life emergencies is important, even if it is inconvenient.

Also, we always did the first viewing just me; second DH. Same with cars. Maybe I'm bossy

DoinItFine · 12/05/2016 15:30

Presumably then you didn't make arrangements to see them at times that were inconvenient to you but convenient for him before he got a better offer?

I suppose it only matters that men make a good impression at work.

Marynary · 12/05/2016 15:36

As long as it doesn't happen all the time I think that it is fair enough for him to do his manager a favour under the circumstances. DH went to a lot of house appointments by himself as he worked close to where we were moving whereas I was 100 miles away with very young children. I just went to the houses that he liked as there didn't seem much point in going to the ones he didn't like. It worked out fine for us (although I think it annoyed some of the sellers).

SquinkiesRule · 12/05/2016 15:48

Dh and I do the same as Cunty. I look at all houses and he does a drive by and looks in ones he likes from the outside or if I insist Mostly he's interested in location, and the position on the plot, is it overlooked, garden size etc. I pick the rest

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