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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed my husband has hurt his back.

29 replies

Originalfoogirl · 07/05/2016 09:15

Our daughter is 7 and on Saturdays goes to a music group for children with disabilities. It's 30 miles away, and lasts three hours. It's a bit of a PITA for us, and when we are there, we basically have to sit around waiting for 3 hours, seeing her in between music sessions.

Up until last week, we all went together until we though that was a bit of a waste of time so decided we'd take her alone, taking week about.

On Thursday Mr Foo said he'd take her this week because he knew this week was a bad "time" for me - crampy, menstrual, irritable etc.

So I looked forward to lazing in bed.

Yesterday he had the day off, and in cleaning out the garage he hurt his back (again!). I did all the sympathy, massage, gave him heat packs etc. And he lay of the sofa all evening. I pointed out how this will make it worse, he needed to keep moving.

lol and behold, I get woken early by my daugher, asking me if I can take her to group because Mr Foos back is too sore.

Sooo annoyed. Should I be?

OP posts:

BillSykesDog · 07/05/2016 09:20

YABU. He can't help it.

TheNaze73 · 07/05/2016 09:21

YABU

RaeSkywalker · 07/05/2016 09:22

Unfortunately, YABU. I would've offered to take her last night.

Take a book and some

catsoup · 07/05/2016 09:23

Well yeah he can't help having a bad back. It's disappointing for you but you'll get your lazy Saturday another time.

Bringiton2016 · 07/05/2016 09:23

YABU but I'm the same. Dh is a work horse and I simply can't accept him being ill.

DoreenLethal · 07/05/2016 09:25

Yesterday he had the day off, and in cleaning out the garage he hurt his back (again!)

Does he have form for hurty backs when he is needed to do things and then leaving you to pick up what he can't do?

Lemonade1 · 07/05/2016 09:27

YABU but I understand how you feel.

MarthaCliffYouCunt · 07/05/2016 09:32

Yabu. Do you think he wanted to be in pain?

Sitting in a car/hanging around for 3 hours will do his back no good at all.

gingerboy1912 · 07/05/2016 09:37

Unless he has form for ducking out of things then yabu.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/05/2016 09:41

My goodness, stuff happens, you either take her, or skip this week.

3littlefrogs · 07/05/2016 09:46

YABU - I am sure he didn't hurt his back on purpose.
However, if he has regular trouble with his back he should get onto a proper exercise programme asap. The worst thing for a bad back is keeping still. He needs proper advice to strengthen his back muscles and prevent further injury.

araiba · 07/05/2016 09:47

boo fucking hoo for you

Frazzled2207 · 07/05/2016 09:47

Yabu unless he has form for knackering his back to get out of things.
Can see how you'd be annoyed though.

ilovesooty · 07/05/2016 09:51

Just step up and take her. He can't help it.

Kariana · 07/05/2016 09:53

I'm sorry you're having to go when you feel like crap because I know it's horrid but unless he makes a regular habit of this YABU.

He didn't hurt himself on purpose and yes he may not have helped himself by lying down but that's what you want to do when in pain so you can't really blame him. The official advice for menstrual cramps and low mood is light exercise but you were planning on ignoring that and lazing in bed so you can surely understand why someone pain would want to do that.

Originally he generously offered to let you because he knew you wanted to, without throwing it in your face that you should be 'helping yourself'. It's unfortunate it didn't work out but as he is now in the worse position of the two of you really you should have equalled his generosity and offered to go in his place anyway. Sorry.

PastaLaFeasta · 07/05/2016 09:53

He may not need to be on complete bed rest but he does need to be careful and not make it worse. So YABU and period cramps are not the same as acute back pain, yes painful but they don't restrict mobility. He needs to take care or it could turn chronic - I'm chronic, over four years and my husband is an unempathtic bastard at times so I'm afraid I've no syphathy for you. I'd bet any money he'd rather you had the back pain and he didn't but had to do the driving and waiting around.

Go treat yourself to make up for it, chocolate and ibuprofen may help make it bearable.

BeauGlacons · 07/05/2016 09:54

I don't know actually. What exactly is wrong with his back? I have two degenerated disks and severely fractured a vertebrae at the beginning of the year. I was in severe pain for six days but kept mobile in a small way (I couldn't physically unload the d/w, pick up post, or take things out of the oven). On day six I was back on school runs and back at work a week later. My car is one of the most comfortable places I can be.

If it involves getting your dd in and out of a wheelchair, etc., then I can see why it simply couldn't be done but for basic backache I'd have thought some co-codamol and ibuprofen would be enough to get him through it.

If his back is a regular issue he needs to get it xrayed, MRI'd and start managing it.

Hurryup2016 · 07/05/2016 09:57

Gosh, hope you never get injured or so ill that your husband has to look after you and do all the childcare while you recover. What a weird thing to be annoyed about. Frustrated yes, annoyed? Weird

AugustaFinkNottle · 07/05/2016 09:58

It's annoying, but can't he just do next week instead? If you're still menstrual, I'd have thought it could be quite pleasant to have a morning just sitting around, reading and drinking coffee.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 07/05/2016 10:02

I'm going to say a very gentle YABU, but I quite understand why you feel the way you do. My dh had a long run of back trouble and to be frank, some of it really was self inflicted by him being a bit of a tit.
It'd go out, he'd rest for a bit but then inevitably overdo it some while later and end up flat out for a week. I'd warn him to not overdo it and he'd carry on anyway. Cue several occasions where my sympathy was somewhat lacking.
Thankfully, his back has been a lot better recently, a lot of it due to getting a lot more regular exercise!
So, whilst you are going to have to suck it up today, I think you can allow yourself a little bit of feeling annoyed.

Oly5 · 07/05/2016 10:14

I'm currently nursing a fractured shoulder and arm. i can't do ANYTHING for my kids who are 5 and 3. My DH is doing everything and will be for months.
You are sounding very selfish OP

mrsmuddlepies · 07/05/2016 10:15

Slightly off track, MN is full of posts about women irritated by 'wifework'. In my experience, lots of partners do try to take an equal role in parenting these days. However, what about tasks that have traditionally been undertaken by men? DIY etc? Again, I know a few young couples that have taken on a 'do - er upper' of a house and yet the rewiring, replumbing, installing new bathrooms and kitchens is always done by the men. Please reassure me that lots of women today are taking a fair share of plumbing, wiring, plastering around the home.
I also know a number of females like Bringiton2016 that can't stand their husbands showing any weakness ' YABU but I'm the same. Dh is a work horse and I simply can't accept him being ill'. Seems unfair to me.

Napnah · 07/05/2016 10:16

How is being on your period worse than a bad back

BillSykesDog · 07/05/2016 10:17

Yep, that's MN for you. Imagine if a man said his wife was a 'workhorse' and he couldn't accept her being ill. His DW would be told that was abuse and to LTB. When it's a woman somehow it's fine.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/05/2016 10:25

"what about tasks that have traditionally been undertaken by men? DIY etc? "

Completely off-track, but I get very annoyed that people argue that men do the same amount of work as women because they do DIY and outside work. According to this reasoning a man who lives in a rented flat doesn't have to do any work at all and gardening etc. is much less regular work than housework.

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