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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I didn't want to claim csa..

28 replies

Heyjude16 · 05/05/2016 22:12

But surely if your having another baby, you make sure your providing for the two you already have!?

Darling ex husband hasn't paid a penny for the children. Thinks it's acceptable to buy them a McDonald's and a blind bag once every few weeks. Or to really push the boat some primark canvas shoes when they need new shoes.

Today I message him asking for £10 to go towards sons new school shoes he desperately needs. He said no. As he is going to put £500 down on the pram him and his gf want for their new baby. He can't afford to give me anything as he has to pay for the pram, and his car.

He then tells me he wishes I were dead as it would be easier. 🙄

I haven't claimed csa because I felt sorry for him not having much money, but silly me!! He pays £400 a month just for his car!

He says he's buying his family the essentials he needs- meaning his new baby.

I'm so angry, especially for the kids. The know I can't afford everything. It breaks my heart. 😪

He wanted the kids this weekend so he could take them to the baby shop to pay for the pram!! 😡

OP posts:
RNBrie · 05/05/2016 22:18

Claim csa (or whatever its now called). He's clearly an idiot and your children deserve better.

Costacoffeeplease · 05/05/2016 22:19

So now you go to cms and put in a claim

makingmiracles · 05/05/2016 22:21

Yes, contact cms and put in a claim, otherwise the dickwad will think it's perfectly OK to keep reproducing without being financially liable to his exsisting children.

Original poster
Heyjude16 · 05/05/2016 22:22

I'm going too. He messaged me saying if I go csa he will lose his car, his job and then what? He said "does that mean I shouldn't buy this baby anything and give all the money to you"!? He had a chance of paying half the amount the csa said but nope.

OP posts:
scribblegirl · 05/05/2016 22:23

YA SO NBU.

This isn't about you,,it's about your kids. Stop feeling guilty.

EatShitDerek · 05/05/2016 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lunar1 · 05/05/2016 22:26

Nothing to feel guilty for, we all have to decide if we can afford another child before hand. Not just cut of the first lot to buy a stupidly expensive pram.

Original poster
Heyjude16 · 05/05/2016 22:27

Because apparently he's so poor by the end of the week when he's paid for his petrol etc he's over drawn and has no money 🙄. Not my problem he decided to move over an hour away from his job and has to travel that far every day!

OP posts:
ilovewelshrarebit123 · 05/05/2016 22:28

What's stopping you claiming through CSA? Don't feel guilty, he clearly doesn't.

My friend has waiting ages for her ex to pay, he's now got an attachment to his earnings for £360 and other than give up his job, he has to pay now!

This proves it can be done even if it takes time. Be strong and give them a call.

NaffOffMartha · 05/05/2016 22:29

He wishes that his first two children's mother was dead?

His own children?

Pffff Hmm If he won't help to look after his children voluntary, then he'll have to be forced to do so by the CSA. That's his choice and his problem.

I can't believe he begrudges his own child £10 towards a pair of shoes FFS. I'm hardly rolling in cash and have my own family to support but I've spent more than that buying toys to donate to disadvantaged children at Christmas! YANBU x 1000

Baconyum · 05/05/2016 22:32

Bullshit! He's trying to guilt/scare you into not claiming. Your kids have needs that cost money and he is 50% responsible for that. And if the new baby is an issue well he should have thought of that before procreating again! Get that claim in.

BirthdayBetty · 05/05/2016 22:34

Yanbu, what a prick.

Original poster
Heyjude16 · 05/05/2016 22:36

I just wish he would either step up and have them more often- I have to ask him to "babysit"- probably one weekend every two months, and normally he takes them to the park for an hour once a week.

Or sod off! I hate that he's so inconsistent. The kids don't know when they will see him next. He hasn't been with his gf long and every time they do see him he's with her and her kids.

He didn't even have the respect to tell the kids about the baby. He decided to break the news in front of his parents and them.

I found out by his gf that dd was very upset and quiet after. And all exh did was get stressed about it.

OP posts:
Pinkheart5915 · 05/05/2016 22:37

Go to the csa ( or whatever new name is, I don't know much about it sorry)
I don't see what other choice you have, he has children with you and should bloody well pay towards things they need. Not just his new baby.
Don't feel guilty about involving the csa your only doing what any monther would for the children

Cabrinha · 05/05/2016 22:39

I do understand why:

  1. You haven't already gone through CMS
  2. You ever offered to accept half of what CMS rate would be

Sort it out.

SquinkiesRule · 05/05/2016 22:42

Nobody needs a £500 pram, the baby won't care if he's in a second hand one like many people buy. If his car is so much he needs to swap it out for something more affordable. What a knob. and he wishes his childrens mother dead? He doesn't love his children much to wish such pain and heartache on them. Get your money OP, some knobs never learn.

Cheby · 05/05/2016 22:47

Yep, CMS. First thing tomorrow. Don't accept any more dicking about. £400 a month for a car and not paying for his kids? FFS.

willfuckformichilenstarfood · 05/05/2016 22:51

We pay double the CMS recommendations, we also have DSC 6/14 days in which time we clothe and feed her with our money. we are 100% dedicated all of the time. Get what your entitled to. If he cares, he'll pay X

Crumblevision · 06/05/2016 08:27

I went to the CSA and got three times what ex p was "offering". As a result he chooses to no longer see our DD. I would think seriously about whether you want your DC seeing their dad. If he can behave in that way towards them re the new baby. My DD misses her dad but I have no doubt her life is a lot less stressful without him in it. I am quite sure he has NPD and is emotionally and verbally abusive to boot.

Original poster
Heyjude16 · 06/05/2016 08:32

Yes my ex has NPD, he is very nasty.

Iv rang cms, apparently there is a claim that is open from two years ago after it was chosen that he would pay me instead of through them. But they won't talk to me until I write in with my new address and phone number, so I'm doing that today.

He's blocked on everything and only contact we have is through email regarding the kids, some times i can not hear a thing for weeks, that's when it's fab. I would love him to just disappear out of the kids lives. I'm heartbroken for them because they deserve so much more. I'm so lucky because my partner has really stepped up and provides everything that their "father" should. And he's a positive male role model for them, ds has came out of his shell so much in the past two years.

OP posts:
Barmaid101 · 06/05/2016 09:40

Definitely csa all the way. If he can't provide for his already existing children surely he shouldn't be spending £500 on a pushchair, they are many cheaper ones out there.
Csa all the way. Don't let your kids go without.

Keely93 · 06/05/2016 10:13

Your kids shouldn't go without just because he's having another, and after that nasty remark about wishing you were dead I think it's certainly fair you feel no guilt and make sure you do it. What he can and can't afford afterwards doesn't matter, they're his children too, he needs to be responsible for them too x

ElsieMc · 06/05/2016 10:24

You must go to the CMS. However, if this is his attitude, it will probably take them a while to establish payments. My gs's dad uses every excuse in the book to avoid payment even with them involved and he plays the system.

This means ringing up saying he can't afford to pay and will pay next month. Then he doesn't pay next months and a new schedule has to be sent out with new repayments incorporating arrears. I am just now getting payments for January and he will be repaying until the end of June. The CSA say they have a duty to take any payment for the child rather than nothing. As a result I have had to take £60 a month whilst he has a new iphone! Very frustrating.

That said, establish contact with them today. It takes a while to go through all the questions with the new CMS but get the ball rolling as the current situation cannot go on. You will at least get something and not have to literally beg for a pittance for your children.

Queenie73 · 06/05/2016 11:10

You owe it to your children to do whatever gets them the money they are entitled to. They could have a better lifestyle but don't because their father is a twat.
Well done for getting the process under way. I realise you were trying to be reasonable and behave like an adult about maintenance payments, but that only works if both of you do it.
Obviously there is a risk that he will throw his toys out of his £500 pram and cut off all contact, but he was hardly the father of the year before, was he?

AyeAmarok · 06/05/2016 12:03

Even if your new DP supports them, that's not really the point. Your DCs deserve to be supported financially (and emotionally but that can't be enforced legally) by their father.

If you don't need the money, put it into a savings account for them and at least they'll get some money towards a deposit out of him.

It's not your problem that he wants a 400 pound a month car. That's a choice. So is having another baby. Not. Your. Problem.

Go to CMS.

He's a twat (like you didn't know that already!)