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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at DH's phone obsession?

35 replies

peg90 · 04/05/2016 09:35

This is likely to turn into a rant so beware.

DH spends a massive amount of time during the day on his phone. It's driving me mad!! We have a 6 month old DD who is going to grow up thinking it's normal to sit and ignore people because her Dad does it.

A few examples of why it bugs me so much:

He gets up, ignores the wide awake baby, takes the phone and goes for a 20 minute shit every morning. I always get up with the baby which I love doing and seeing her smiling face and excitement and I just think he's missing this.

He works away every 4 weeks and when he's away he says how much he's missing DD, which I would expect he is. He doesn't play with her or really speak to her because he's on the phone. Yesterday I stood and watched him "playing" (he thought I was cooking dinner) which consisted of reading his phone and bouncing the bouncer. Confused I may have been a bit angry and said "is it any wonder she doesn't want to play with you when you're on that thing all the time!"

Breathe.

Last one that I'll mention, when we go to my Mum's or my family are over at ours, he's on the phone AGAIN! It's so rude and I can imagine what he would say if I did it when at his Mum's.

It's not even as if he's doing anything exciting, he's reading (wait for it) the Daily Mail Hmm.

I just don't want him to be missing out on DD growing up.

And just for the record, other than to take pictures of DD, I don't go on my phone unless she's asleep or not with me.

Sorry for the length!

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 04/05/2016 09:38

YANBU! That's so rude, to be literally checking out of family life because he'd rather look at his phone is massively disrespectful. What does he say when you mention it?

Whisky2014 · 04/05/2016 09:39

So go to his mums and sit on your phone.

Also, smash it.

HTH :)

ThisWasCrownjewel · 04/05/2016 09:39

I feel your pain, OP.

I've found a swift (gentle) knee to the nads to be the best solution - he's so engrossed he never sees it coming, which proves my point that while he's reading his phone he doesn't have a bloody clue what's going on around him (DS swinging from the curtains, DD1 bouncing on the furniture, DD2 having thrown up)...

napmeistergeneral · 04/05/2016 09:39

This could be my DH. YANBU. It is infuriating.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/05/2016 09:40

This sounds like how my DH was. I pointed out to him how much he was missing and that he wasn't interacting with her. I said that you don't need to play your games, check FB, buzz feed etc all the time. 10 minutes focusing on DD really isn't a big ask.

If he won't listen to that, film him when you next watch it happening. The play it back to him.

StubbleTurnips · 04/05/2016 09:40

YANBU, this too gives me the rage. We settled on a we phone ban at weekends in our house until bed time is here.

Trying to instigate that in the evenings though is a pain. I can be just as bad tbh, and I'm very aware of it.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/05/2016 09:42

I also think they don't realise how much time is passing. They pop on to check something and then are there half an hour later.

LadyReuleaux · 04/05/2016 09:42

I feel your pain and my STBX isn't even this bad. (That isn't the only reason we're separating, but my god I will enjoy not having to say everything 12 times while I wait for him to look up from fecking twitter and go "uh? whaaaa?" Angry)

I'd try to catch him at a time when he's not doing it (if you can!) and explain it is upsetting you and it is rude and disrespectful, including to your DD. The example you gave that he wouldn't like it if you did it to his family is a good one - point that out to him and ask him why he wouldn't like it? Then explain that's how you feel.

It is like an addiction and you could suggest the phone gets put away/switched off at certain times so he can fully concentrate on you, DD, housework etc.

If he point blank refuses to do that, then it's a bigger issue because he just doesn't respect you. But if that happens I'd certainly be doing it to his family and see how that goes.

angelos02 · 04/05/2016 09:45

YANBU

I have drifted apart from people that do this.

Original poster
peg90 · 04/05/2016 09:46

Wow! I'm so glad it's not just me. Thank you all so much for your ideas. I really like the swift kick Grin

When I mention it he gets stroppy and almost like a teenager. It's just tiring.

Next time we go to his Mum's I'm going to do it and see what happens.

Thanks again all!

OP posts:
Seeyounearertime · 04/05/2016 09:48

I know it's probably crossed your mind but he isn't doing anything untoward on it is he? That level of phone obsession would worry me tbh.

AnyFucker · 04/05/2016 09:49

Is he 13yo ?

Original poster
peg90 · 04/05/2016 11:52

Seeyou nope hes not doing anything he shouldn't be. I had originally thought there must be something and checked it for a while but there's nothing. Just plain old boring news.

OP posts:
Original poster
peg90 · 04/05/2016 12:19

Well that escalated quickly. Went home after play session with DD to find he had done none of the jobs around the house he said he would do but the brand new phone is now up and running. Angry I lost the plot and told him everything so he decided to keep shouting "fuck sake" at full volume and storming around then had a go at me saying "if you spoke to me I wouldn't be on it!" Erm no! If u weren't on it I would speak to you!

So I'm now going to take DD to my Mum's for the night since he won't leave. He's in the garage putting together the swing I asked him to do about 15 times in the last 2 weeks.

He doesn't know we're going.

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 04/05/2016 12:24

Good. might shock him into putting it down.

FelicityGubbins · 04/05/2016 12:25

Take his phone with you on the way out..

LouBlue1507 · 04/05/2016 12:26

YANBU! My partner is the same when he's at home but I too am just as bad! It's like we're addicted! I'm always reading and he's playing games, we do talk and do things together.
But I really do wish we weren't on our phones so much! It's disgusting how much we've come to rely on our phones for EVERYTHING and that if I can't find it I have a mini heart attack! :(

Buckinbronco · 04/05/2016 12:32

Oh god this is me. I know it pisses DH off

tametempo · 04/05/2016 12:36

My DH does this. Also with his tablet. He can't go anywhere/ do anything without one of them. I have mentioned it before and he says he'll do it less but it never happens. We've slightly drifted apart because of it.
Hope your DH takes note of you going and makes more effort.

Purplepicnic · 04/05/2016 12:37

A lot of people have this problem and a lot are guilty of it themselves.

I posted about it a few years ago - we were at the cinema waiting for the trailers to start and looking around, almost every single parent was tapping away at their phone instead of talking to their children. One mother was with her son, just the two of them, and I didn't see her speak to him the entire time we were sitting there (about 20 mins).

MiddleClassProblem · 04/05/2016 12:37

I think the keyword I used was that he wasn't "present" what was happening around him. He was missing it all.

Sounds like you've done the right thing OP

LifeBeginsNow · 04/05/2016 12:41

My DH is the same (although he'd argue I'm just as bad with the iPad). I don't mind a quick blast through the sites to see what's going on, but at some point it needs to be put down. If I don't distract him with something to do, he will be playing games on it for hours.

Your post has made me realise I need to put some boundaries down now or my husband will be doing the same when the baby gets here.

YorkieDorkie · 04/05/2016 12:42

That is disgraceful!! The stupid thing would be under the wheel of my car. Not sure what I'd do with the phone though ShockGrin.

Original poster
peg90 · 04/05/2016 12:46

I'm sorry that there are others going through this and if you do it then I recommend you stop as soon as because it really drives people apart.
I don't know what we're (DD and me) are going to do now. Unless there's a HUGE change, we won't be going back.

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 04/05/2016 12:49

My H started doing exactly this.

It turns out he was sending sexually explicit Whatsapp messages to a colleague.

That said, so long as you are certain he's not hiding anything from you and no secret passcode appears on the phone, he may just be being rude.

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