to be questioning this friendship

[mia101982]

Hi all. I have become friends wit a girl from ds school this year. She was also there last year but never spoke to anyone , just kept her head down etc. However I made an effort to get to know her this year as my ds is friendly with hers etc. She is very nice & comes to my house a few days during week while waiting to collect her older son from school as she lives a bit away so saves her walking home and back out again etc. I am happy wit that as we have a cuppa while kids play. However anytime I suggest to meet after school or at weekends for a play she always has an excuse r says she hasn't seen the text until too late. Also if I txt her during wkend about anything like football club r just a random txt she don't reply until the next day if at all. If I needed to ring her for example which wud b very rare, she wouldn't answer Maybe this is normal for her. I just find if she wants to come and wait in my house she texts & replies straight away but if anything other than that she doesn't. Maybe I been paranoid and thinking silly. I dunno as we get on really well. What do ye think? Why don't people reply to texts. I get everyone is busy but surely when it all calms downs at night, people go thru their texts and reply ? Maybe I am over thinking it. I just don't want to seem needy by texting her sometimes and then getting no answer?

I don't really see a problem here or anything to be questioning. It's just life and some people are busier than others. Perhaps she sees you more as just an acquaintance than a bourgeoning lifelong friend.

I don't see the problem either. She obviously likes you, pops in for a chat and a cuppa. Just maybe doesn't need a friend who lives in her pocket. It happens when you have kids, people want to spend time with their families, have a lot to do with work and stuff at home and have little time for outside socialising. I wouldn't worry too much, just accept it for what it is, a pleasant opportunity for a catch up with someone you like. Don't force it.

Does she really spend the whole school day at your house to save her having to go home and come out again?? No wonder she doesn't want to meet after school as well... Why do you?

I read that as she just popped in before pick up, not that she was there all day several times a week!

If that's the case OP then she is taking the piss and using you so she doesn't have to use her own heat, electric, water etc.

You see her out of school pick up/drop off a few days a week. That's enough for most people. I'm sure she likes you, but seeing you more than a few days a week isn't standard for any friendship. Back off a little bit and let things settle down - give her a bit of space.

Did she seem happy last year when she was just stood there minding her own company?

Some people are. I should imagine she thinks you're fine to pass an hour or two with (specially as you seem to be running a free cafe for er benefit) but she doesn't want or need you around all the time.

If you were looking for a new BFF then I think you've picked a dud.

It's not her failing tho. She is who she is.

It certainly sounds like it, friendship is a two way street, has she invited you round, or initiate meet up. I woukd stop doing this now.

I think she's using you a bit and probably isn't interested in taking the friendship beyond somewhere warm and cheap to hang around in-between school pick ups. I would start being a bit less available in future.

Thanks girls. Just to clarify, it's only an hour after school that she calls for. No never really get invited to hers, always talks bout it but never really happens cos we both busy etc. See I wonder does she have anxiety or social issues. For example if we pass on the street r in the cars she often looks elsewhere & pretends not to see me until I shout hello r wave. She doesn't talk to anyone else at school unless I am there & beckon her over to chat but then she is as friendly and chatty. She is a real nice person. I don't expect her to be my bff at all but at same time I don't know whether I should back off r what. For example I txt her twice over the wkend with no reply & now ds wants her ds to come play as it's school hols but I don't want to txt her again in case she thinks I am nuts lol. I suppose I wud b quite disappointed if she is just using me.. bloody school gates, they have a lot to answer for lol

I'm a bit like this with school gate people, though not quite as bad as your friend. It's just that I've already had so many bad experiences, I don't have the time or the desire to go through it again. By the time my DC3 goes to school I'll be like a stealth mum.
Your friend probably thinks you are lovely, but is still wary of the other mums. So while she is happy to talk to you, isn't looking to make other friends, therefore keeps her head down.
Regarding the weekend, she might be crazy busy or just not great with phones. I am also guilty of this.... Just crossed my mind you might be talking about me! But I don't go for tea after school with anyone so I guess not.
You don't live in France do you

So she's coming into your house most school days for an hour or so to wait for her eldest child to finish school - is this because the younger ones finish earlier? Or perhaps the eldest is doing after school clubs and she waits at yours rather than go home and come out again? If that's the case then it does sound as though she enjoys your company and likes your kids to play together but this is very much a casual friendship of convenience for her.

If you enjoy her company and want these weekday cuppas/chats to continue then don't push it. If you feel used then cool the relationship and start being busy after school with other things.

You sound like the sort of person who likes to have a best friend that you send every bit of spare time with and text several times a day to say nothing in particular and for lots of people (me included) that's enough to send me running for the hills. It's too much. If I had to choose between seeing a school mum friend (or anyone for that matter) four times a week with an expectation of some weekends as well, or not at all I'd choose not at all. The only person I want to see every day and at weekends is my DH.

And not everybody lives with their phone permanently attached to them - I frequently don't see or reply to texts until several hours after receiving them. Although in her case I am getting the feeling that she is trying to hold you at arm's length a little bit.

She sounds a bit shy and socially awkward to me. If you enjoy her company as it stands, just stick with the status quo. I'd reserve texts for arranging things for the boys though - it doesn't sound like you will get an invite to her house or a closer friendship anytime soon.

I wouldn't bother trying to second guess her.

I'd not worry about it. If you enjoy your cup of tea together great, if not, become unavailable. It is good, at least, that you know where you stand.

Do you feel a bit lonely? I mean this in a kind way, but you sound as if you could do with widening your social circle a bit.

During the week I am pretty much attached to my phone.
I check it regularly and respond to texts quite quickly.

After arriving home from school my phone goes on the side and I am busy doing whatever we are doing. Same applies at weekends.
I sometimes hear a text come in, plan to respond after finishing making dinner/bathing kids/cleaning spillages/stopping kids killing each other etc and then invariably forget. By the time I remember it's either really late at night or so long after receiving the text that I feel like an idiot replying.

Perhaps she's the same?

I'm certain she likes you but she definitely seems more cautious about the new friendship than you are.

Some people dive headlong into friendships, confident that all is well.
Others are more reluctant and take things slowly, especially when they are either shy or have been fucked over my people in the past.

FWIW one of my closest friends I met when our DSs were in nursery together. They lived further from the school than we did so I invited them to our home if they ever needed to go home and return.
We saw each other for maybe an hour almost every school day. It was well over a year until we ever saw each other outside of those times.
Our friendship gradually grew over the years.
We've been friends now for nearly 20 years.

Let things develop. Don't rush her. She clearly enjoys your company, enjoy your time together as it is now and get to know each other. Some of the best relationships are built slowly over time.

In the old days we would phone someone and if they weren't in or weren't free to talk they wouldn't answer. We accepted that. The advent of mobile phones has made some people believe that everyone is, or should be, instantly available every minute of every day. I've developed a mother like you, op, in similar circumstances. Our children are friends and she too likes to text and assumes I'm instantly available all the time. It's tedious and intrusive. I am not looking for mummy friends and I don't need to be saved by anyone. I'm quite happy being a lone wolf with my phone on silent!

Totally agree with you Flying

What's with "girls"? Nobody here us a "girl" ta!

A - she is a woman not a girl.

B - if anyone ignored me on the street they would not be coming to my house again for tea.

C - I don't sit and go through messages in the evenings. If I see a message during the day I respond if I have time but often it doesn't send anyway as my signal is rubbish. I put it on to charge when I get in and then I pick it up the next morning before I go out

I have an exceedingly shy friend and she would behave very similarly.

I would not continue this, even with anxiety and social issues, it is rude to blank somebody in the street, they would not be coming to my house if they did. She knows you, and has been to your house, its not like you don't.

Stop being pedantic, the lot of you, its a term, we all use the term girls amongst our old school friendship group.

Thanks for all the replies that offered their opinions and advice. They have given me a bit to think about.

the OP sounds quite new to MN, give her a break over the girls thing.

OP, it sounds like you are not ok with it or you wouldn't be posting here. If I were you I wouldn't be happy to be blanked on the street or ignored either so that would put me in a spin and make me question massively too, I had a similar situation to you and I kept pushing and it did not end well for me, as I felt like I had been too pushy and she came across all cool and aloof and I felt like a twit. So my (hard earned) advice to you would be to try and let go a little, and focus elsewhere.

Strange comment about "girls" as my friends & I, in fact anyone i know refer to each other as the girls. Meeting the girls, hi girls, bye girls, thanks girls etc. Wud rarely use "ladies" which of course we r lol. Maybe it's a culture / regional thing. Thanks again anyhow LADIES 😊😊

I think I would question the friendship too. Yes, being busy or whatever means that sometimes texts don't get answered but it sounds like she does this all the time unless it is for her benefit which I think is quite selfish. I think it would also be polite for her to at least offer for you to come round, even if you're both busy, I think the gesture would be nice. Blanking in the street as well is rude. Friendship should not be one sided or hard work and also good friends or even acquaintances worth their salt should not leave you hanging or second guessing yourself.

OP mentions that she thinks this woman may have perhaps some sort of social anxiety problem and that she went out of her way to befriend her. Sounds a bit like this woman is seen as someone who the OP wants to help in some way and is making all kinds of excuses for her behaviour.

I have a good friend who suffers from social anxiety disorder, is therefore extremely shy around people she doesn't know etc. But she is totally lovely and never makes me feel like I have done anything wrong etc, she is quite open about her anxieties.