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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this has worked out very nicely for dh?

39 replies

DorothyL · 25/04/2016 17:37

Angry

Last week ds was ill - dh couldn't possibly afford to miss work...so I did
Since yesterday dh is ill and has completely shut down - he helped get ds ready this morning, otherwise nothing.

I feel awful but went to work because I can't have more time off....

OP posts:
Osolea · 25/04/2016 17:42

I don't see how it's worked out 'nicely' for your DH if he's ill. It's unlikely that he wants you to be ill either.

I can see that it's worked out badly for you though, and you need to make it clear to your DH that the next time your ds is ill, then it needs to be him that takes the time off work, assuming both of your jobs are equally as important to the family finances.

Original poster
DorothyL · 25/04/2016 17:45

Part of it is the way to approach illness - I don't think this kind of illness would hinder me from sticking at least a load if washing on

OP posts:
Original poster
DorothyL · 25/04/2016 17:45

Part of it is the way to approach illness - I don't think this kind of illness would hinder me from sticking at least a load if washing on

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 25/04/2016 17:48

But why should he do housework if he's sick?

When I'm sick, I either stay in bed or curl up under a blanket on the sofa and watch crap TV. I wouldn't be doing laundry when I had a partner around who was capable of doing my share while I got better, that's for sure.

Original poster
DorothyL · 25/04/2016 17:48

And how does it work with the family finances? How much more does he have to earn to make me the default person to stay at home? Esp as my job can't be done from home and his can to some extent.

OP posts:
Stillunexpected · 25/04/2016 17:48

Well you haven't said what kind of illness it is so difficult to judge? If he has bad D&V for instance I wouldn't expect or want him to be doing anything except getting better!

Original poster
DorothyL · 25/04/2016 17:50

I am ill as well but had to go in because I couldn't afford to miss another day. So maybe he could do a little bit at home so that I could rest once home, not run around?

OP posts:
Original poster
DorothyL · 25/04/2016 17:51

I am ill as well but had to go in because I couldn't afford to miss another day. So maybe he could do a little bit at home so that I could rest once home, not run around?

OP posts:
Stillunexpected · 25/04/2016 17:51

Who should cover your child's illness is a completely different question and not necessarily related to who earns what. Ideally both parents need to split the absences between them but one person may have a more understanding employer, an ability to work from home or make up time later, etc. For a specific instance of illness, it might depend on whether one person has a course, interview, meeting or something else which can't be moved.

curren · 25/04/2016 17:52

Why couldn't he take time off work?

You need to speak to him about sharing care when ds is sick.

But these two incidents are unrelated. You have connected them and think it's worked out well for him.

You need to sort out childcare between you when your ds is ill. You shouldn't be the default childcare. It should be shared.

But He is ill. Just because you would force yourself to do a load of washing doesn't mean anyone else should.

If I am off work ill, am in bed all day and dh would get told to piss off, if he suggested I should do some housework because he would.

HermioneJeanGranger · 25/04/2016 17:53

Well, it depends. What is your financial situation? Can you afford for him to lose several days pay? Is it a case of a) it doesn't matter as you both earn similar amounts or b) if he takes time off, you'll struggle financially, whereas you'll manage if you take it?

DP and I earn roughly the same so if we had children, we'd alternate the time off, but if he was earning triple what I do, I'd be the one taking the hit unless we had no choice. It depends what you can afford to lose financially.

HermioneJeanGranger · 25/04/2016 17:55

Your posts seem really confused and talk about three diferent issues.

Issue 1 - who should take time off work to care for your DS.
Issue 2 - whether you should do housework when you're sick.
Issue 3 - taking time off work with minor illnesses when the family can't afford the loss in income.

Herewegoagainfolks · 25/04/2016 17:56

We don't have a default illness person, we have a who can take the day off/work from home more easily discussion.

Last time I stayed home as he was chairing a meeting for 20 on site that day but I could do all my calls by teleconference.

The previous time he left work, picked up DC from school and took him to the doctors because I was in the middle of a working lunch with some suppliers.

What we earn doesn't come in to it.

Original poster
DorothyL · 25/04/2016 18:03

The point you all seem to be missing is that I am ill as well but don't get the option to opt out

OP posts:
tupperwareAARGGH · 25/04/2016 18:11

I think your DH is being a bit of a dick tbh, he expected you to miss work and look after a sick DS and now both you and he are sick he is just laying about while you have to sort your DS out and go to work.

I'm sorry you are with such a lazy, selfish man.

Hope you feel better soon Flowers

Stillunexpected · 25/04/2016 18:12

OP, it isn't a competition. If you have had to take time off for whatever reason and are now ill but still functioning then unfortunately it's sometimes part of being a grown-up and having responsibilities. If you genuinely couldn't get out of bed then regardless of commitments you would just HAVE to be off. Maybe your DH is really unwell? Frankly, if you are both ill, forget the washing, I'm sure your children can survive for one evening on toast, soup, eggs or whatever you have in the house.

When you are both better you do need to have a discussion though about sharing time off - if you are saying that he never helps out in that way.

mrsmugoo · 25/04/2016 18:13

I can see where you're coming from to be honest!

I'm pregnant with a toddler and recently had full blown flu while my husband was away on business. It was truly awful - I had no one to help as my parents aren't local and my MIL had it too. I just got on with it, got through each day the best I could but there were a lot of private tears from me and if was probably the worst week of my life.

Cut to now....husband has a cough. Yes just a regular cough. Chest virus if I'm being generous. But OH THE MOANING! Coughing fits in the night that he just HAS to wake me up for and groans and moans all day about how tired he is and how painful his chest is.

Just wish he'd be a bit more stoical really. I don't have the energy to indulge a minor illness, look after a 2 year old and be 34 weeks pregnant!

curren · 25/04/2016 18:14

No I am not missing the point.

If you are pissed off that he doesn't help when ds is sick Yanbu. It impacts you. That's the issue you need sorted. Unless there is a really valid reason he can't take time off.

My dh can't because in our business he runs a particular side that I can't do as I don't have the relevant certificates and he has 25 years of experience that I don't.

Before that, when we worked for other people I was the one that couldn't take time off at the drop of a hat.

The fact that he won't do housework when off work sick is neither here nor there. He is off sick. Who is to say he would have taken today off, even if he had helped out last week. As I said if dh expected me to do housework when off sick I would tell him to piss off.

When you get home. Both do the bare minimum.

HermioneJeanGranger · 25/04/2016 18:15

Well, tbh, if I was sick enough to take a day off work, I wouldn't be getting up and doing housework.

You're obviously not that unwell if you can go to work, surely? Can't the housework wait? Just do the necessities and leave the rest.

EllaHen · 25/04/2016 18:18

Time off to look after sick children is shared here.

The more men who do this, the more progressive employers will become.

In fact, dh has taken more time off as he can do some work at home. I can't.

As for his illness, I'm guessing you feel he is 'at it' somewhat.

nogrip · 25/04/2016 18:30

OP, no need to get pissy

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/04/2016 18:36

Why don't you have the option to opt out?

Why does he have the option to opt out?

Herewegoagainfolks · 25/04/2016 18:40

Dorothy it's not that you don't get the option, it's that you don't take it.

He does.

I completely understand how annoying that is but you need to consider that you get what you settle for to a certain extent.

My DH for example takes time to train for his sport. I don't, I prioritise other things - my issue not his.

Worth chatting this through with your DH, but have a think first. There is more than one perspective on this.

cansu · 25/04/2016 18:41

I completely understand. My dp does this. If the children are sick I usually end up taking most time off to take care of them. If I am then a bit unwell I will try and avoid taking time off as I use all my leave for the chidren. Dp will not even consider this. He might have sick leave when he feels under the weather and will then refuse to help out if kids are throwing up etc. it's a case of different priorities and pisses me off too.

MrsBobDylan · 25/04/2016 18:42

When DS was ill, was it for one day or did you have to cover 2 days or more?

I ask because if dh didn't swap in on day two, then I understand why you are so pissed off.

In our house, ill child equals discussion of duties that day and careful negotiation over who gets lumbered with the sick child. But if sick child is still poorly the following say, then the other person covers.

Him not doing house work while off sick is irrelevant IMO.

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