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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or could my husband be doing more?

61 replies

Crapmummy2016 · 24/04/2016 22:32

We have a young baby who refuses to sleep unless in bed with me, and who wakes frequently at night. Often he will be awake for a couple of hours at a time. I'm beyond exhausted and very impatient and irritable as a result!

Since the baby came I've been leaving DH to get our elder child up in the mornings. DH just gets him up and takes him into his bed ( he is in the spare room) and sticks YouTube videos in so he can go back to sleep. He doesn't give him breakfast or anything so I do it around 8 am when DH leaves for work. At weekends DH will stay in bed until 10 or later if I let him. Eldest son will be with him playing on his (DHs) phone and won't have even had a drink. I could get up and sort it out myself but if the baby is sleeping I want to try and sleep myself so feel annoyed at getting up while DH stays in bed.

If I complain to DH he will say how tired he is. BUT he hadn't done one single night with the baby in 5 months. He chooses to stay up late to watch TV. He can go to bed whenever he wants and get an uninterrupted night. Eldest son wakes around 7 am usually which isn't that bad.

I'm really, really tired at the moment and my mood is deteriorating rapidly. I've been a bitch the past few days and bad tempered. I think DH should be getting up in the morning and taking both kids so I can sleep - is this unreasonable of me?? He says he has to work so is tired too. He has a short commute and an office job that allows for lots of socialising in the form
Of " meetings".

AIBU to be slightly annoyed at him?

OP posts:
RudeElf · 24/04/2016 22:35

Not unreasonable at all. I wonder what he imagined parenting to involve. Did you ever discuss it? What were his expectations? He seems to need to adjust them to meet reality.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 24/04/2016 22:36

YABU to be 'slightly' annoyed with him. YWNBU to be 'very' annoyed with him.
Our deal since having number two is that I do the nights and DH does the mornings. Every now and again I relent and let him have a lie in, and we do occasionally let one or both boys lie next to us watching the iPad while we wake up, but leaving DS without food for hours is terrible. How old is he (DS)?

Original poster
Crapmummy2016 · 24/04/2016 22:39

He did more with our first son. He took him at night so I could sleep for a few hours. Second time around he looked after our eldest while I concentrated on the new baby. But the elder child is easier as you can stick him in front of the tv or on you tube and go back to sleep, I can't do that with the baby so am up when he's up. As time has gone on he has started letting our elder child come and see if I'm awake in the mornings etc ( knowing it will wake me when he comes in) but I'm still doing most of the baby care.

OP posts:
FasterThanASnakeAndAMongoose · 24/04/2016 22:39

Yanbu. At all.

Original poster
Crapmummy2016 · 24/04/2016 22:44

This Morning I went into our eldest son at 9 am when I went for a wee as his gro clock hadn't worked and so he hadn't got out of bed. I changed him and his bed as his pull up had leaked. I then went into DH and he moaned that I woke him up. Seemed to think that as it was his last chance of a lie in I should leave him be!!!! I never get a lie in as even if DH does take our eldest downstairs instead of coming into me he still leaves the baby with me. I do stay in bed until 8 during the week and longer at weekends but I've been up a lot in the night!

OP posts:
BrioLover · 24/04/2016 22:54

YANBU

PeppasNanna · 24/04/2016 22:54

Your DP is being lazy but in all honesty your dc is 5 months. At 5 months i would expect a baby to be a little more settled. At first I thought the baby was a few weeks old.

Yanbu but you have 2 issues here. Your lazy husband & you need to tackle the babys sleep issues.
( I have 6 dc so i know it can be incredibly difficult).
BrewCake You need them!

Original poster
Crapmummy2016 · 24/04/2016 22:59

If you have any ideas on how I can get my baby to sleep better then let me know cos I'm desperate for more sleep! He is quite a needy baby in general. Needs regular naps or melts down but is hard to get to sleep and wakes easily. He is in the habit of sleeping with me and I need to get him into his own bed but he screams and screams. I'm too tired to persevere so it's a vicious cycle. I've no idea how to tackle him waking in the early hours and being wide awake for a couple of hours.

OP posts:
AlleyCatandRastaMouse · 24/04/2016 23:04

I have 3 kids, 2 slept through really early, no 3 did not for months years so abandon that as being a definite solution since all babies are different. I would be very annoyed in your situation and I would expect more from your DH. Discuss it with him and be definite about what you want, even though you should not have to tell him, clearly you do.

Are you co sleeping? Sleeping through feeds was the only thing that got me through the night wakings for dc3.

RudeElf · 24/04/2016 23:09

How is your baby sleeping during the day OP? Is he having decent naps (an hour or longer?) or just ten minutes here and there? My DS wouldnt sleep during the day until 10 months (for the childminder when i was back at work!) and would only take 10 minutes at random times. Childminder got him into a really good routine by going out walking with him in the pram at the sameish time each day and he would fall asleep for 2ish hours.

I'm just thinking that if you were able to get him used to falling asleep without you holding him during the day (when you are awake and have more patience for it) then he might start to be easier to settle at night.

PattiLevin · 24/04/2016 23:14

Sounds like he needs a kick up the arse.

both my DSes slept very badly as babies, with DS2 I coslept on a mattress on the floor and a cotbed on its lowest level next it. We haphazardly encouraged him to go from the mattress to cotbed and he pretty much did it on his own in the end. Took the pressure off trying to force him to sleep on his own and made things far less stressy.

Original poster
Crapmummy2016 · 24/04/2016 23:19

We are co sleeping as it means I don't have to settle him back to sleep after feeds but he still wakes often plus around 2 or 3am will wake up and be wide awake and kicking his legs for up to two hours. I can't sleep through it.

During the day he sleeps a lot if given the chance. He sleeps in the buggy or in his bouncer ( I have to bounce him for a good while sometime as he fights sleep). His ideal would be a short morning nap, long lunchtime/ afternoon nap and then another short nap around 5. Because I also have my older child I can't always spare the 20 mins or so it can take to rock him to sleep so on some days the morning nap is missed completely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crapmummy2016 · 24/04/2016 23:20

Baby completely despises his side sleeper cot too!

OP posts:
AlleyCatandRastaMouse · 24/04/2016 23:25

DS was the same OP, no interest in being anywhere I wasn't but it improved over time. I think you should start with your DH and see does your DS improve in the meantime.

TheCrumpettyTree · 24/04/2016 23:28

I would be asking him why the fuck he thinks he's the only one who gets to be tired. He needs to start pulling his weight. At the weekend you should be taking it in turns for a lie in.

lorelei9here · 24/04/2016 23:30

Your DH is doing pretty much nothing.

Original poster
Crapmummy2016 · 24/04/2016 23:33

In fairness he would probably be up for taking it in turns to lie in bed at the weekends. It's me who thinks it's unfair. I'm up all night with the baby whereas he stays up late to watch films, so it's his own fault if he is tired. He could go to bed at 11pm or midnight and get an uninterrupted 7 or 8 hours sleep. I'm lucky if I get 5 or 6 hours of interrupted sleep.

OP posts:
WLmum · 24/04/2016 23:33

Absolutely not bu. Shared dc, shared sleep deprivation and shared parental responsibility. He should be taking the opportunity to get to bed early so he can get up early and be useful. You should be getting the lions share of lie ins and 3 hours of YouTube for ds1 would not be acceptable in my book.
I did all the nights with our 3, and still do if anyone wakes, dh knows that he owes me, and although we tend to take lie ins in turns, if there's any doubt, it's mine!

Original poster
Crapmummy2016 · 24/04/2016 23:34

He thinks he is getting up with our eldest son, but it really doesn't count if you stick them in YouTube and go back to sleep does it? He argues that he can't properly go back to sleep as sin will keep talking to him!!!

OP posts:
RudeElf · 24/04/2016 23:48

No, getting up means actually getting up (clue is in the name of the act) out of bed, taking DC downstairs, making them breakfast, playing with them, dressing them, getting them ready for their day.

RudeElf · 24/04/2016 23:49

Is baby breastfeeding?

PattiLevin · 24/04/2016 23:53

Maybe the poor thing needs instructions. Make him a nice list:
Make child drink.
Feed child.
Etc etc

TigerPath · 25/04/2016 06:29

IMO he should be doing a lot more! He needs to actually get up with older DC and feed him. And preferably take baby too so you can catch up on sleep, at 5months presumably baby can sit in a bouncer/highchair and play with toys while DH makes breakfast and does a few chores.

Failing that, offer him a choice 'would you like to get up at 7am with the children, or do the nightshift?' Wink

Original poster
Crapmummy2016 · 25/04/2016 14:19

Looks like he and I need a talk. I just know he will say that he has to work and I get to be at home all day.

OP posts:
blueturtle6 · 25/04/2016 18:48

With the issue of baby waking, I was having same problem, ie awake all night, until.was convinced to stop co sleeping. Amazingly I think i was waking baby up as she sleep through now..(most of time)