Or could my husband be doing more?

[Crapmummy2016]

We have a young baby who refuses to sleep unless in bed with me, and who wakes frequently at night. Often he will be awake for a couple of hours at a time. I'm beyond exhausted and very impatient and irritable as a result!

Since the baby came I've been leaving DH to get our elder child up in the mornings. DH just gets him up and takes him into his bed ( he is in the spare room) and sticks YouTube videos in so he can go back to sleep. He doesn't give him breakfast or anything so I do it around 8 am when DH leaves for work. At weekends DH will stay in bed until 10 or later if I let him. Eldest son will be with him playing on his (DHs) phone and won't have even had a drink. I could get up and sort it out myself but if the baby is sleeping I want to try and sleep myself so feel annoyed at getting up while DH stays in bed.

If I complain to DH he will say how tired he is. BUT he hadn't done one single night with the baby in 5 months. He chooses to stay up late to watch TV. He can go to bed whenever he wants and get an uninterrupted night. Eldest son wakes around 7 am usually which isn't that bad.

I'm really, really tired at the moment and my mood is deteriorating rapidly. I've been a bitch the past few days and bad tempered. I think DH should be getting up in the morning and taking both kids so I can sleep - is this unreasonable of me?? He says he has to work so is tired too. He has a short commute and an office job that allows for lots of socialising in the form
Of " meetings".

AIBU to be slightly annoyed at him?

How did your talk go OP?

My DH and I had some serious rows about this when DS was a baby. I ended up in hospital for a bit (something unrelated) when DS was about 6 months old and waking all the time - DH finally conceded that his job was easier... He's been great ever since.

Exactly the same here. Drives me nuts. Dh is currently holding his phone for ds and sleeping in. Ds wakes early, around 6, but I think he needs breakfast. I have to nag nag nag dh to get up and give him breakfast, and by then ds is hungry and irritable. But dh just complains about how tired he is. I am up 2-3 times every night with 6mo dd so by morning I am exhausted and the telly watching really annoys me. Ignore the poster who says your baby 'should' be settled. They're all different.

It didn't go well! He denied it and went on about how he " keeps this family afloat". I'm not really sure what he means by that but presume he is talking about financially because I'm on mat leave.

Don't fall for that bullshit. His going to work doesn't give him a carte blanche to check out of family life. You tell him that.

So he thinks it's fine that you're on your knees with tiredness? Show him this thread OP. Particularly the posts that say he needs a kick up the arse.

You have to function too. You're looking after 2 kids all day, you can't afford to be a zombie either.

We have a 2.4 year old and a 9 month old. Dp almost always gets up with the kids in a morning. He plays with them and gives them breakfast until he has to go to work. He does it for several reasons: because I generally do the night waking, because he wants to spend some time with them (he only sees them for 45 minutes in the evening), because he's their dad, because, although he goes out to work he understands that it's hard being at home with two small children and him having them for an hour or so in the morning shortens what can sometimes be a very long day, because he's my partner and wants me to be happy as opposed to miserable.

Your dp needs to step up.

What a dick.

Swap kids so he has the baby Friday and Saturday night each week.

His behaviour is deeply selfish. He's not a brain surgeon or truck driver, he could manage with shorter sleep. Or just go to bed earlier.

So he doesn't care that you are on your knees with exhaustion. I would need to reconsider the relationship.

by what i hear on mumsnet and offline this is most not all men for you. they have the same attitude towards domestic work they feel the lionshare should fall on the woman and will do anything to sneakily pass it up.

my husband was great also with baby 1 and 2 thereafter it stopped first because of his early morning starts after that well just excuses really. same goes for housework. its either divorce or tolerate, im stupid i dont want to divorce him over it so i tolerate it, im an idiot i know.

my last pregnancy just finished and not once even though ive been so rushed off my feet with all the people i look after not once did he help me when i said i was finding vacuuming too hard, (this house is big). i kindly asked to split the rooms and share the load he nodded but carried on on his phone. just the other day he offered and i told him where to stick his offer of vacuuming he's never touching the vacuum again, i managed whilst pregnant i can damn well do it now that im not.

good luck OP i sincerely hope your partner changes but im very sceptical.

be ruthless now lay down the law or else you'll end up like sad old me. im resigned to it now, and on mumsnet i let off steam sometimes. its not something i want to tell my friends i dont like slagging him off to my friends,he's a decent guy apart from these issues. online it doesnt seem like slagging off its therapeutic like an open diary lol

i have 4 kids, my oldest is 9 youngest 3 i honestly dont know what lie ins are, even on a sunday, even when pregnant apart from the first 2 children ive never had a lie in. im fortunate to love early mornings so even if im knackered i cope well. my husband isnt a morning bird he's no bloody bird will sleep as long as possible then tell me off for not waking him earlier (sighs).

I'm breastfeeding so I can't hand over the baby at night unfortunately. He thinks because I'm at home that it's ok for me to be so tired. I can sit on the sofa and " chill" all day you see. Whereas he has to go to work and work his " bollocks off" to provide for this family.

He won't be made to be wrong so I'm on a hiding to nothing. He took our son to his activity at 10.30 on Saturday having only had an apple to eat. This is not a problem as he (DH) himself often only has fruit for breakfast. And if I think it's so appalling then why aren't I getting up and sorting breakfast out?

Yes he could be doing more and is being very lazy. Just because he goes out to work during the week that does not mean he can opt out of all other parenting. Sticking a child in front of a screen is not parenting. He should be sorting breakfast out for your DS, getting him washed and dressed. Maybe you should do like I did years ago when my two DDs were small, age 21 months and 3 months I got a Saturday job. I got a day away from the house, a bit of extra money for household budget and DH realised just how much hard work is involved in looking after little people and doing all the household chores. He never complained about being made to do his share after that.

Show him the letters page of this weeks Grazia.

They recently ran an article "Chore Wars" I didnt get that issue but they got a big response from women who have been through this and said it was easier when they split. Because then the partner/ ex HAD to do their share. its almost completely filled their letters page this week.

and he shouldnt be too surprised if you are too tired for sex

It's this sticking your son in front of youtube etc that I find most concerning.

He needs to be talking to him, while he makes his breakfast and yours and sits and eats with him. He also needs to grow up.

I have similar age children. I do all the night shifts and my husband gets up in the morning with both children. But he then gets 1 or 2 hours in bed after lunch three days a week. This is our deal and accepts that it is tough getting up every morning. Maybe you could find a compromise like that???

Your husband is being very, very selfish.

It is considerably easier just to go to work (especially if it's an office job in front of a screen with some meetings). I have been there!

I have a 4yo and 8 month old. The baby doesn't sleep well. He was awake for hours last night, until 3am. DH was fully involved trying to help and still got up with our older child this morning, sorted breakfast, packed lunch, and bags. Most of the baby stuff falls to me but DH gets up with the first waking child every day so I can try to sleep a little longer. He often has unbroken sleep, whereas I'm often up every 2 hours.

Just for context, he's a pilot, so he really needs to be rested, but even then he does his very best to help.

I have a two, almost three years old boy and an 9 months old baby, still breastfeeding. My DS is extremely active, as many toddlers are and the baby does not sleep, I swear, he just nap. First with the reflux, then very bad eczema and now his teeth are giving him trouble, in between with cold,flus etc sometimes I am up 6 times, the good nights 3 times. On top of that I ve been diagnosed with hipotyroidism, I am so tired. He doesnt acknowledge this, honestly he thinks I am saying I am tired for the sake of it. this, my DP has decided that is a good idea to work away for 4/ 5 days a week and when he is home, needs to do his paperwork, brings extra laundry etc. So I still do most of the lion share. He resents me having a lie in beyond 8.30 even having one of the children with me whilst I do so. I am exhausted. I september i want to go back to work. Bring my money. He is a good person really, i know writting this down makes him look like a baddie though.Feels good to write it down.

No way would I agree to him getting up early and then going back to bed. He would take the piss and sleep for hours! In any case he would do breakfast but still stick our son in front of the TV. He would argue that I do the same but it's so I can deal with the baby or laundry etc. DH will just be playing on his phone.

I haven't slept with him in over a year. It's a miracle we have a baby! I just feel too resentful to be bothered to tell the truth.

Come at it from a different angle. We are both tired - how can we work together to change this?

I think he is being a turd, for the record. He's being selfish, but he may well be tired/depressed so just pointing that out won't reach him. Try a different approach and see what happens. If he won't cooperate, then you have a problem.

Crapmummy I know exactly how you feel!

To the person who suggested your baby is one of the problems... I have to disagree. 5 months old is still a tiny baby! It's normal to be waking throughout the night at this age (although that's no help for your tiredness!).

I'm breastfeeding an 8 month old. She sleeps with me and I'm lucky that she's a fairly good sleeper but she nurses throughout the night so I never get uninterrupted sleep.

My 2.5 year old sleeps with by DH but runs into me every morning at 7am. If I ask my DH to try to keep him longer he's just given an iPad for an hour and then runs into me after that.

I'm on maternity leave too and hear the same excuse from DH - I'm at home all day 'just' sitting on the sofa. He never recognises that I'm feeding his baby. A baby that doesn't sleep during the day AT ALL unless I hold her. A baby that cries when she is set down.

I will be returning to work in a month... I'm not sure I can continue doing all of the childcare on my own but time will tell.

My husband wonders why we haven't had sex since the baby was conceived. He doesn't seem to get that I'm utterly exhausted. I haven't slept longer than 7am or 8am in over 3 years. In contrast my DH consistently sleeps until 11am-12pm every weekend. Because he works all week... He's exhausted too and 'needs' his lie in

Why are so many men like this?
We are supposed to be sleep training the baby this week to try and get him sleeping in his cot and for a bit longer between feeds. The agreement was that DH would do bedtime and settle the baby all evening until I go to bed. This is because the baby settles better for him without wanting milk. So yesterday he didn't bother coming home until baby was already in bed!

I think your mn name should be craphusband not crapmummy!! You're a great mummy, you see the needs of your children and want to do what's best! I'm sorry are so tired (as anyone would be having not slept uninterrupted for 5 months) I co-slept and bf my 2nd child so I understand how you can't just give the baby to your dh at night but can he possibly take both kids at the weekend in the day when he's not at work between your feeds and give you time to nap in the day? It does help even if it's twice a week.

Honestly, LTB.

We have 5 DC and DH more than pulls his weight.
I'm a SAHM now and DH comes home from work and immediately takes over. He comes in, has a brew, does some laundry/cleaning/pack lunches AND sees to the kids!
When kids were babies he did everything bar breastfeeding. He'd pace up and down with refluxy baby after I fed them. He gets up in the morning, showers, takes baby/toddler downstairs, gives them breakfast, empties dishwasher, plays with them then brings me a coffee in bed!
And d'ya know what? I bloody adore him. Never have I loved him more. We're a team and our kids see us working as one. They have a fantastic role model as a father.
Our eldest teen boys have grown up to be capable (they clean, do washing, cook, are able to look after young kids) and they have a lot of respect for DH and what he does. They're also feminists who will be amazing fathers and husbands when the time comes.

This is what your husband should be doing. Not the shite he's spouting about 'keeping the family afloat' FFs!
He'd be fucked if you suddenly decided to do no housework or childcare because it's you who keeps the family afloat.
He can't even feed his child breakfast or care for his wife who's been up several times in the night looking after his baby and giving baby the best, tailor made nutrition 😡

Sweetheart, you deserve more. Your children deserve more. Your 'D'H does not deserve you.
Take care 💐

QueenArseClangers could you lend me your husband for a month or so?

He sounds amazing. I can see why you love him so much!

😄 Caffeine!
I've often thought about getting him cloned, I'd make a mint!
I'm really happy that our kids see him as a template for what a father and husband should be. I was in a&e the other night and didn't come home until morning. He had a rubbish night's sleep worrying about me and looking after our youngest who co-sleeps and breast feeds at night. I was out of it on morphine when I got back so after getting the kids ready for school he packed a bag and took toddler DD with him to work so I could rest!
He's an absolute hero but, as he always points out, he's not doing anything that a loving partner wouldn't do and we always take it in turns to pick up the slack.

Sorry to derail OP but in truth, I had to kiss a heck of a lot of frogs before I found my prince!

Yanbu, yous dh sounds like a lazy shit.
Mine was like that when dc2 came along, so I just stopped doing the rest of the stuff that I would normally do through the day.
Refused to do his washing, cook his meals, any crockery/cutlery he used would sit in a tub under the sink and he could wash the fuckers himself.
He got a bit sick after having no clean shirts for work, and was eating his 6th ready meal with a spork.