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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About my friend copying me

30 replies

marylinmonroeroe · 24/04/2016 15:27

I lost my mum to cancer 3 years ago and have been wanting to have a small tattoo for a while now - something really personal and in memory of her. I've finally arranged it and have told my 2 closest friends.

One of them sent me a message last night asking when I'm having my tattoo because she wants to come with me and have one done herself. I asked what she was having and she said she's been looking at 'symbols and stuff' on instagram but hasn't decided yet.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off that she's just suddenly decided she wants a meaningless tattoo and to come with me when mine clearly means so much to me?

OP posts:

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 24/04/2016 15:30

Not really copying, is it?

But if you'd rather go alone then just say that.

gleam · 24/04/2016 15:30

Maybe she wants to come with you to support you?

mrsmeerkat · 24/04/2016 15:32

I don't think it is intentional op but I wouldn't disclose anymore to her either.

She just doesn't get the significance of it. perhaps she has never been through it.

Your best bet is to either say to her that this is something you need to do on your own or if you think you wouldn't get the hint tell her you are putting it off for a while and secretly get it done. That's what I would do

Sorry for your loss. it is not easy.

ChicRock · 24/04/2016 15:33

Tell her you'd rather go alone.

Or just go alone and tell her after the event.

Oysterbabe · 24/04/2016 15:34

Yabu.
You know lots of people get tattoos right? Doesn't mean it's copying. Maybe she's wanted one for a while but was nervous about going alone.

ZenNudist · 24/04/2016 15:35

Well you don't have to go with her but as long as she is not getting the same tattoo as you it's not copying.

TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 24/04/2016 15:36

You're going to get a tatoo, your friend wants to come with you and get one as well. Thats hardly copying you, unless she gets the same tattoo.

Just say no thanks, I want to go alone. What's the big deal?

Original poster

marylinmonroeroe · 24/04/2016 15:36

She's never lost anyone and doesn't understand. She's said a lot of stuff in the past without thinking and it's upset me. I know I'm probably being too touchy.

OP posts:

thecatfromjapan · 24/04/2016 15:37

You're being unreasonable because she clearly isn't interpreting the even in the way you are interpreting it and so she isn't intending to cause you the upset you feel she is causing you.

Just go alone.

Original poster

marylinmonroeroe · 24/04/2016 15:37

She's terrified of needles and has never had any piercings because of that. It feels like she's doing it to be 'cool'.

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 24/04/2016 15:38

Did you give her a date?

I would say "Not decided yet" and then change the subject.

Then skip away some day and do it and when she pouts say breezily that it was a spur of the moment thing.

In my experience people who haven't thought through tattoos always want someone with them for encouragement and general giddiness. People who have something meaningful often want to go alone.

M00nUnit · 24/04/2016 15:38

I thought you were going to say she was getting the same tattoo as you. But she's not so I don't see the problem really. Maybe she's been wanting a tattoo for a while too and this has spurred her on. Maybe she'd like some company and thought you would too. But if you really want to go on your own I guess you should just tell her. She may be a bit offended though.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 24/04/2016 15:38

I'm not sure that hers being just a "fashion" choice, for want of a better term, somehow detracts from the importance of, or mimics yours. If getting your tattoo is more of a meaningful, ceremonial event (again for want of a better word) to you though you could always let her know that it's a really personal, private thing. If she's looking for moral support to get hers done, offer to go with her on her date, and go alone on yours.

You never know, she might even have her own very serious and personal reasons for having one done and just hasn't disclosed that aspect of it.

ElspethFlashman · 24/04/2016 15:39

She'll spend the whole time making it about herself and giggling. As someone who got a very emotional tattoo after my mum passed, NO WAY!

Original poster

marylinmonroeroe · 24/04/2016 15:39

I just think she'll see it as a fun thing to do and will tell everyone that we went and had tattoos together. This means a lot to me and I don't want it to turn into something we did together. That probably sounds really daft.

OP posts:

ChicRock · 24/04/2016 15:40

It's not up to you to decide whether someone is getting a tattoo for the right reasons or reasons you approve of, and tattoos don't always have to have a meaning.

I think you've taken this completely the wrong way.

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 24/04/2016 15:40

It's not copying exactly, but it does seem insensitive of her. If you don't want her to come with you, just say that it's a private and personal thing and you would like to go alone.

Try to keep the fact that she wants her own tattoo separate. If she wants to get a meaningless symbol tattooed on herself for ever that is her own business. Just don't let it intrude on your plans to remember your mother.

thecatfromjapan · 24/04/2016 15:41

Does it matter why she's doing it? I strongly suspect that you are directing a bit of anger towards your friend that is possibly related to your mother's death.

Forget about her. Just go alone, enjoy your tattoo, and remember what the experience is for. Don't make it about feeling angry with your friend. That's pointless.

Original poster

marylinmonroeroe · 24/04/2016 15:41

Elspeth you've hit the nail on the head. That's exactly what she's like and she would absolutely make it about herself.

OP posts:

TwentyOneGuns · 24/04/2016 15:41

Actually I can see where you're coming from. I think I'd feel it belittled something that meant a lot to me if a friend suddenly jumped on the bandwagon with a random thing they'd found 5 minutes ago on Instagram. Obviously she's free to get a tattoo if she wants one but the way she's gone about it is a bit tactless imo.

Sorry about your Mum .

ImperialBlether · 24/04/2016 15:43

I think it sounds as though she wants to make this about her, so you'll be pulled into discussing what she wants and supporting her when she struggles with the pain etc. It should be your day, when your needs are taken into account - tell her you want to go on your own, or tell her you're no longer doing it, then go alone.

for your mum.

Gide · 24/04/2016 15:44

Just don't go with her. Tell her you need to do this alone, simple.

specialsubject · 24/04/2016 15:52

go on your own, don't tell her. There's a time and a place for girly bonding experiences and this isn't it.

best to you.

yorkshapudding · 24/04/2016 16:11

I thought you were going to say she's getting the exact same tattoo in the same place or something. From your OP she's not "copying" you at all. She just wants a tattoo.

If you'd prefer to go alone than that's fine, just tell her. She's not actually doing anything wrong by asking to come with you (she might have thought you'd like moral support) or by wanting to get a tattoo herself though.

Lots of people get tattoos for all sorts of reasons, some are very personal and meaningful but other people get them for purely aesthetic reasons. Both perfectly valid choices.

I expect there is a huge backstory to this and you are actually upset with your friend for something else.

OurBlanche · 24/04/2016 16:19

She is perfectly enitled to get a tattoo.

But she is in no way entitled to gatecrash your getting one for your own reasons. Tell her no, you prefer to go on your own on this sad occasion.

She is being tactless. Only you know if she 'is that sort of person'. But no YANBU at all. If she doesn't hear you tell her a wrong date, or just raise your voice a bit... maybe tell her as bluntly as possible why you feel she is intruding.

Then let her sulk. Her feeling miffed does not get to play Top Trumps!

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