Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter's In-laws make her feel excluded

60 replies

jodie67 · 24/04/2016 13:57

Eldest DD and her OH have been living together for 3 years, got engaged this year and are now expecting a first baby.
She text me this morning very upset to have discovered that he, his parents and siblings have a 'secret' group Viber chat. I wasn't sure whether she was right to feel wronged. His family have moved away so the two of them spend a good bit of time with us. She is the eldest of 4 and he is included in our family viber group. Obviously these means of communication didn't exist when I was her age so don't have any reference points other
than what we do now.
While I certainly have things I might hesitate to discuss in front of her OH, I feel it would be rude to have a group like this that so clearly excludes him.
What do other people think? I hope I've explained properly. I seem to spend a lot of time reassuring her that his family is just different from hers in various ways, but in this instance I'm finding it difficult to justify.
Thanks

OP posts:
curren · 24/04/2016 13:59

So his family have a group chat that is him, his siblings and their parents?

But you and your Dd think she should be included because you include him in yours?

Yabu. Is there more to this?

Ickythumpsmum · 24/04/2016 14:00

They are just having a private chat with their kids. It's normal. She'll want it too one day with her own kids.

RudeElf · 24/04/2016 14:01

I think their family are entitled to have a private family group. Just because he has married your DD doesnt mean the rest of his family have. She int their daughter/sister in the way he is their son/brother and grew up with them. Its a different relationship and dynamic. She hasnt been excluded. If there were other in laws in the group and she was the only one not in then yes she would have a poing but that isnt the case. She doesnt get automatic right to all his interactions with his family. Is she feeling insecure for any specific reason?

Rosa · 24/04/2016 14:01

I am included in DH family chat , but Dh is not included in mine. We have a language difference as well to consider . To be honest it wouldn't bother me at all . Plus I know that my families dynamics are so different from my DH family that nothing surprises or bothers me about them at all . They are not malicious in any way just do things differently.

aprilanne · 24/04/2016 14:03

if i was you daughter i would not care but then i dont like the inlaws .just because you include him in everything does not mean his folks must include your daughter some folk are like that .even after 27 years i do not think of my self as part of inlaws family .my children yes me no .

YouSay · 24/04/2016 14:04

YABU. She is being ridiculous. I don't understand why she is upset. Of course he can have a private group with his family. Is she controlling in other aspects of his life?

BareBearBum · 24/04/2016 14:06

I have a group chat that is just me and siblings, that my DH isn't on, but then their significant others aren't either.
I also have a chat group with MIL, SIL & DH.
I also have one with DH, and siblings, but no parents.
DH also has family ones with just him and his immediate family, sounds complicated but over time these have evolved, have they been on viber for long?

PenelopePitstops · 24/04/2016 14:06

I have this with my mum and sisters. We have a chat but dh isn't included and nor does he want to be. Most of the chat is stuff he doesn't want or need to know.

However he is allowed to read it at any time (which he never asks to do).

Chippednailvarnish · 24/04/2016 14:07

What are you, 12?

Interesting first post OP.

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2016 14:09

Is it a private group or a 'secret' group?

Either way, unless they're planning her untimely demise, I'm not really seeing a problem.

ImperialBlether · 24/04/2016 14:09

I think it's the secrecy here that's important. I'm sure she will want to have private conversations with you sometimes, as he will with his parents, but this secrecy isn't normal, in my opinion. I can't imagine not treating my (future) DIL or SIL like they're part of the family.

ImperialBlether · 24/04/2016 14:10

Chippednailvarnish - it's a perfectly normal first post!

QuiteLikely5 · 24/04/2016 14:11

Do you mean even her dh' their brother and son is excluded?

Not nice but not worth getting upset over

Griphook · 24/04/2016 14:13

Surely she's a grown woman, I don't get why it would cause you a second thought, unless you wanted to make a mountain out of a mole hill

ChicRock · 24/04/2016 14:14

'secret' as in set up since they got together and deliberately hidden from her, or as in something his family have always had and he's just never mentioned it before and she's happened upon it somehow?

ChemistryHunt · 24/04/2016 14:17

Unless the other children's partners are included in the chat I think YABU.

It's a family group chat between two people and their children. Unless there is more to this than has been said I really can't see the problem.

Paperbacked · 24/04/2016 14:19

Are all the other siblings' partners/spouses included in this chat group?

not that I have the faintest inkling what a viber group is

YouSay · 24/04/2016 14:25

I have many groups set up as does dh. I neither know nor care who is in his groups and I am sure he is the same.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/04/2016 14:30

Yabvu it's a group for the parents and their kids. I think dh has something similar with his parents I am not included nor do I want to be.

AugustaFinkNottle · 24/04/2016 14:30

Would she be expected to be included if he speaks to his family on the phone? Presumably not. She needs to learn to give her husband some space.

Costacoffeeplease · 24/04/2016 14:33

Jeez, just the thought of being in any kind of group with my in-laws - I'd die of boredom

Sallystyle · 24/04/2016 14:36

I don't really get this viber group things but if my mum had one she would never dream of excluding DH and I can't imagine doing it to my future Son/Daughter inlaws.

I don't think it is unreasonable of them but it isn't something that would happen in my family.

Maryz · 24/04/2016 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oysterbabe · 24/04/2016 14:48

Yabu.
DH has a group for just his family and there's a separate one that I'm in where we post pics of DD. I'm not excluded for any sinister reasons, I'm not interested in the ins and outs of their day, discussions about grandma's medical issues etc etc.

Sallystyle · 24/04/2016 14:48

I'm sure she will want to have private conversations with you sometimes, as he will with his parents, but this secrecy isn't normal, in my opinion. I can't imagine not treating my (future) DIL or SIL like they're part of the family.

I can't ever see it happening in my family. My mum wouldn't exclude DH from a family group chat because he is family and just like a son to her. Not that we have group chats, my poor mum is still getting the hang of posting a photo on FB.

I would be a little hurt if my inlaws did this to me. Of course they have conversations with my husband when I'm not around or they call to speak to just him and I don't want or expect to be involved in every conversation they ever have but I think it would sting a little. But I don't get the whole having a group chat just for parents and kids. If our parents want to speak to one of us alone they just call and have a chat or arrange a day out. No secret group chats needed.