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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter's In-laws make her feel excluded

60 replies

jodie67 · 24/04/2016 13:57

Eldest DD and her OH have been living together for 3 years, got engaged this year and are now expecting a first baby.
She text me this morning very upset to have discovered that he, his parents and siblings have a 'secret' group Viber chat. I wasn't sure whether she was right to feel wronged. His family have moved away so the two of them spend a good bit of time with us. She is the eldest of 4 and he is included in our family viber group. Obviously these means of communication didn't exist when I was her age so don't have any reference points other
than what we do now.
While I certainly have things I might hesitate to discuss in front of her OH, I feel it would be rude to have a group like this that so clearly excludes him.
What do other people think? I hope I've explained properly. I seem to spend a lot of time reassuring her that his family is just different from hers in various ways, but in this instance I'm finding it difficult to justify.
Thanks

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 24/04/2016 14:51

What is Buber?

Is it like what's app?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 24/04/2016 14:51

Viber! Not Buber 🙄

Original poster

jodie67 · 24/04/2016 14:53

Goodness, I did ask I suppose. Thank you all for your tuppence worth. I think the gist is that she should lighten up a little and accept that different families operate differently and have different dynamics. It is just the parents and siblings and no other OHs. Don't know when or why it was set up, but she only accidentally found out yesterday because he read out something he thought was from our family thread. Don't suppose there is anything 'secret' as such, it's just the principle of there potentially being something she's not to be trusted with. I shall pass on all the ideas.
BTW ImperialBlether thank you, I thought it was a perfectly reasonable first post too Smiley face

OP posts:

Eminado · 24/04/2016 14:57

Yes viber is like whatsapp but more for calls than messages

curren · 24/04/2016 14:57

Its got nothing to do with not trusting her.

He has a group chat with his parents and siblings. He had a whole life with them before her.

I can't see how having a baby or being nice married to someone means that your spouse can not do anything that doesn't include you

Original poster

jodie67 · 24/04/2016 14:57

Yes Viber is just like Whatsapp

OP posts:

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 24/04/2016 14:58

ach they'll include her soon enough once they want to get their hands on the baby, then she can either join in or tell them to gtf!

MeadowHay · 24/04/2016 15:03

I am in a Whatsapp group that includes me, my siblings, my parents, and one of my aunties (from dad's side - bit random but she lives abroad). DH is in it as well. My dad is from abroad and in his culture in-laws are very close members of the family as a general rule, I think they view them closer than here in the UK (a culture where as a general rule, you call your mother and father in law "mum" and "dad" as well as your own parents, your brother in law "brother", and so on). DH also has no relationship with his dad (not his choice), and a very tense, difficult one with his mum (severe mental illness contributing in part to that), and when we are in the city where they live we stay with my parents for the vast majority of the time. He is very close to my parents as a result of all this so I'm not surprised he is in our group chat but equally if he wasn't, neither of us would really think anything of it I don't think. I skype/phone/whatsapp my parents and siblings without him always being there and listening in so what's the difference really?

DH has a Whatsapp group of him, his sibling, an auntie, and 3 cousins, which I'm also in, but that is such a random group of relatives as well that equally if I wasn't in it I wouldn't be bothered, and it's not used much other than to send pictures sometimes as we are currently living abroad.

TL;DR: YABVU. It's no big deal.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 24/04/2016 15:05

Well, it's not secret is it? Because she knows about it!
Does she involve you in every little thing? I'd tell her to stand on her own 2 feet a bit. She sounds very babyish.

FlyingScotsman · 24/04/2016 15:06

I would be annoyed to have never heard about the chat group. I would expected to have heard about it at some point (just like ytou would hear aboout an email you have received or a phone call).

I can see why she finds it strange that he is included in her family group but she is excluded from his.
This could be just a difference in family dynamics or it could be that they want to 'hide' things from her. I would hope this is just the first in whihc case she needs to learn to accept that people do things in different ways.

How did she learn about the 'secret' chat group?

AlwaysNC · 24/04/2016 15:09

YABU,
It would be different if her partners siblings partners were on it, but they are not by the sounds of it.
We don't have a family group chat on either side, maybe we're weird.

FlyingScotsman · 24/04/2016 15:10

I'm more concerned by
she only accidentally found out when he read out something that he thought was from our family thread

Does it mean he didn't WANT her to know about it and was careful not to mention it to her?

AlwaysNC · 24/04/2016 15:10

chippednailvarnish
What should a first post be? "Should I eat an apple or an orange?"
Surely most first posts are going to be about a problem that someone looked up or decided they needed some advice from an Internet forum.

AlwaysNC · 24/04/2016 15:11

What flyingscotsman said.

Patapouf · 24/04/2016 15:21

YABU, my DH isn't in our family whatsapp group, just me, siblings and parents.
If my DSis' fiancé was added to the group I would leave and make a new one

timemaychangeme · 24/04/2016 15:35

How do they get on away from this group? How do they treat your dd? if she feels excluded in real life then that would be more of a concern I think.

Sallystyle · 24/04/2016 15:40

She didn't know about it and he only accidentally let it slip.

I would not be happy about that because I would feel like they were purposefully being secretive.

So actually, maybe she isn't being uptight but has a reason to be uncomfortable with it. I don't expect to be told everything my husband does but I would wonder why he hadn't mentioned it before. However, we talk about everything under the sun and we do share pretty much everything so it would be out of character for him not to mention it, so if he didn't tell me then it would be a secretive thing, but that's just how my marriage works.

Sallystyle · 24/04/2016 15:43

Does she involve you in every little thing? I'd tell her to stand on her own 2 feet a bit. She sounds very babyish.

Oh for fuck's sake.

If I am upset about something or just want to know if I am being silly about something I talk to my mum. I talk to her at least once a day. I stand on my own two feet plenty and I am not babyish.

TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 24/04/2016 15:43

Don't suppose there is anything 'secret' as such, it's just the principle of there potentially being something she's not to be trusted with

That is quite a paranoid way of looking at it. It's his parents and sisters, there isn't a single reason why they shouldn't have a family group chat. It's bizarre of her to make such a thing of it, and equally odd of you to be encouraging her in this silliness.

GabiSolis · 24/04/2016 15:51

Tbh, I think your DD is being a bit of a drama queen over this. It's lovely that you include her DH in your family group chats, but that doesn't mean she's entitled to the same with his family.

The best thing you can do for her is to reinforce that and continue to support her.

As for ThenLaterWhenItGotDark saying Does she involve you in every little thing? I'd tell her to stand on her own 2 feet a bit. She sounds very babyish....well that's just daft, as I suspect you know.

curren · 24/04/2016 15:52

She didn't know about it and he only accidentally let it slip.

Or he just never mentioned it.

He didn't let it slip. He got the conversations mixed up. Doesn't mean he purposely hid it from her.

Given that she assumes this means she isn't trusted, I would assume she is on the paranoid side and thinks he should inform her of everything.

Dh doesn't know every group chat I am a part of. If I say him down and went through, he would think I was mad. I don't hide it or sit him down and discuss it.

Gide · 24/04/2016 15:53

High jacking How do you know it's her first post? Am I missing out on some secret mumsnet thing that counts post numbers? Is it because I'm on an iPad? Maybe I'm not getting the full experience.

I think YABU, OP, but I'd be a bit surprised if my DH had a 'secret' group or one that I simply didn't know about. We communicate with one another, I know pretty much everything that goes on, he shows me the Whatsapp messages from his colleagues/family, it certainly isn't 'secret', although I have no desire to be in any such group, it's stupid how many ,essayer he gets.

SharingMichelle · 24/04/2016 15:53

My dh is included in my family whatsapp group. I am not included in his family Whatsap group. This is perfectly fine and reflects the different ways each family does things and all the various relationships involved.

Having said that - dh would never have a deliberately 'secret' group that i didnt know about.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 24/04/2016 15:58

DH, his mother and brothers have one that I'm not in. I have a good relationship with them all and haven't really given it a second thought. I guess it depends on the other dynamics. I mean, is it a "secret" or, didn't he just not mention it as it in fact isn't very interesting?

purplemunkey · 24/04/2016 16:07

My OH has a Whatsapp group with his siblings. I don't feel left out, or that he's keeping 'secrets' from me at all. I think its odd that your DD is so offended by this. Are there other trust issues?

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