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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off over birthday.

42 replies

Verticalvenetianblinds · 20/04/2016 06:51

Nc coz dh knows I'm a regular....
It was my birthday, a big deal for me, not a special number, I just love birthdays, dh doesn't like celebrating his.
Last week a lady that works for him (for 6 months) left, they get on v well. He bought her 3 presents and a personalised moonpig card. She shares his sense of humour so it was easy to get her something perfect, we are more opposites attract. I got one present (a pretty bowl) and a card from the card draw (yes we have a card draw) that I'd bought. He didn't even get ds's input, just bought it online (and it's nice, I am grateful, it's just not very thought about....)
He was out with mates all day Saturday, spent Sunday recovering. Is out this Saturday so expect weekend to follow the same pattern and he wants to take me out next Saturday with his friends to a country pub (glorified taxi tho I feel, I don't really drink so end up being des.)
I know I sound really ungrateful and spoilt but I wanted something a bit more personal, no cuddling last night either. I am jealous he out so much thought into her leaving present but please no 'ltb'! We've been together 7years. This year I bought him a hot air balloon ride.
Didn't even get a cake, making my own today!
Aibu to feel pissed off about this, I know it's a first world problem but it's hurt my feelings.
And I've got to tell dm what he bought me and I know she'll be as disappointed and then moan about him (a regular occurrence which I despise and end up making excuses for him. She knows he was out at the weekend and said why do I let him?!)

OP posts:
Lilaclily · 20/04/2016 06:55

I don't think he's colleague has anything to do with your birthday surely ?
I'd be pleased he'd shown his appreciation of her

The rest of it sounds OK tome, he got you a present, do you expect him to bake you a cake ? It's your choice to go for a hot air balloon day for him, next time just get him a book

Lilaclily · 20/04/2016 06:56

And your mum is obviously picking up on your disappointment of your husband

If you don't want her to tell her you had a lovely day and he bought you a lovely present

Job done

DoreenLethal · 20/04/2016 06:57

a regular occurrence which I despise

If he is regularly a dickhead then perhaps you should start listening to this though?

NynaevesSister · 20/04/2016 06:58

No YANBU! Your birthday is a day you should feel special.

I don't do birthdays - I don't even want a present. There is no way hubs would think of doing anything on y birthday though. And I wouldn't be making my own cake.

I would be upset too.

Only1scoop · 20/04/2016 07:02

Has he stopped making much effort or has never really bothered?

Tell him you feel a little miffed that he's used a pre bought card.

Have you moaned to your DM in the past? Maybe that's why she gets annoyed on your behalf.

MidnightAura · 20/04/2016 07:02

Yanbu! I would be pissed off too.

He seriously bought three presents and a moonpig card and you got what? A bowl?

He put more thought into hers, than he did for his wife. That's wrong. I don't think you are ungrateful at all. I would be upset to say the least. If he had put a lot of effort into your birthday then the colleague would be irrelevant but he hasn't.

Ginmakesitallok · 20/04/2016 07:04

You have a card DRAWER. That is all.

Lilaclily · 20/04/2016 07:05

But his colleague is leaving
The two situations aren't comparable

Lilaclily · 20/04/2016 07:05

For all we know he might have been spending an office collection on said colleague

Original poster
Verticalvenetianblinds · 20/04/2016 07:06

Dm is only person I can talk to about him, haven't got any close friends so she does hear the bad stuff, but also the good. She's a moaner (prob where I get it from :) ) but I tune alot of it out. He's not too bad normally or I would keep him around.
He knows birthdays are a big deal for me and I think the fact he is capable of buying nice presents for someone is relevant and I'm jealous!

OP posts:
TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 20/04/2016 07:06

He bought you a bowl for your birthday? Are you particularly fond of bowls?

I don't make a huge deal of birthdays but I understand your disappointment.

Tell him how you feel. If you don't want your next birthday or occasion to be the same then you need to let him know your expectations.

Groovee · 20/04/2016 07:07

I'd tell him. I'd also tell him that he needs to make time for you too. My dh really annoyed me last year as he went out the night before to get my presents.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 20/04/2016 07:09

Lilaclily makes a good point. Was he spending the present fund from work?

Original poster
Verticalvenetianblinds · 20/04/2016 07:12

No office money bought a bunch of flowers, she'd only been there 6months so I don't think they gave much

OP posts:
MrsSteptoe · 20/04/2016 07:12

If you don't like your mother complaining about your DH, stop giving her ammunition. As for your DH, I don't make much fuss about birthdays, and wouldn't really care if my husband missed it altogether. This year, we were moving on my DH's birthday and it got totally ignored. But I think it does show that we take each other for granted a bit, so maybe tell your DH to make a bit more of a bloody effort next time.
I think we're going to pick a date in June for DH's birthday this year because the moving thing made such a bloody fiasco of everything (long story) - why not tell your DH you want to reserve a weekend for your birthday? I put off my 50th for three months actually I still haven't really acknowledged it and I'm 53 in June

ZenNudist · 20/04/2016 07:13

Does he expect anything for his birthday? Give up and return the effort in kind.

ZenNudist · 20/04/2016 07:14

Oh and just Tomas it clear tell him now that's what you'll be doing!

ZenNudist · 20/04/2016 07:14

^to make

MrsSteptoe · 20/04/2016 07:17

OP said the DH doesn't like celebrating his birthday, Zen
I'm examining my own conscience to see if my reluctance to celebrate my own birthdays is because I tell myself it lets me off the hook from doing anything about DH's birthday Yup, I think that's it. Damn you, Jiminy Cricket

HermioneJeanGranger · 20/04/2016 07:19

I think your mum has a point, tbh. Why do you put up with him going out all the time and not spending decent time with you on your birthday? Why do you think it's okay for him to go out on your birthday and get drunk with his mates?

But if you don't want her to complain about him, stop giving her ammunition. If you're happy with your situation (I wouldn't be, but that's upto you), then don't complain to her about him. She's only going on what you tell her!

wonkylampshade · 20/04/2016 07:23

I've got a DP who doesn't "do" birthdays. His whole family are like that, and mine are the opposite!

As you say, it's about the effort that doesn't go in so I can understand you feeling hurt. It's not about being ungrateful, I think it's more about feeling unappreciated when you go to the effort for everyone else.

TheCrumpettyTree · 20/04/2016 07:23

Why don't you talk to him instead of moaning to your DM.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 20/04/2016 07:28

Why are birthdays 'so important' to you? You are a grown adult, yet moaning about lack of cake and presents?

MartinaJ · 20/04/2016 07:31

Why are you putting so much effort into his birthday? Does he appreciate it? Are you doing it "just because" or do you expect something in return, i.e. making more effort? Clearly, you won't get it.
Give him a shop bought card, a bottle of Old Spice perfume and take the balloon ride yourself. Enjoy your life and don't spend it waiting for stuff that's not going to happen. You might even find out your DH will value you more once you stop bending over backwards for him and expect the same from him in return and will do the extra effort you're normally not getting from him.

acasualobserver · 20/04/2016 07:33

This keeping of balance sheets in a relationship, the preoccupation with what was given and what was received, can't be good. What's more, it won't get you any closer to the intimacy that you feel is lacking.

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