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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is dh

32 replies

twobambinos · 17/04/2016 18:43

I'll keep it brief.
Dh currently does the dropping and collecting of our dcs 3 days a week as I work those days. The school and childminder is about 5 minutes from where he works.
I have approximately a 45 minute commute to work so I have to leave before them in the morning and if I had to drop the children they would get dropped even earlier to childminder as they are too young to leave at school 45 mins before it commences.

In the evening I am about 30 minutes from the childminder so with him collecting them and me going straight home we arrived home about the same time. Or I might arrive a few minutes before him. In that few minutes I put on a wash or unload or start dinner etc.

Aibu to not be doing more pick ups and drop offs or is he?

Thanks so much

OP posts:
MelanieCheeks · 17/04/2016 18:44

Is he complaining about having to do the drop off/ pick ups?

Afreshstartplease · 17/04/2016 18:46

If it's in the best interests of the kids for him to do the majority which it sounds like it is then Yanbu

Original poster
twobambinos · 17/04/2016 18:46

Yes

OP posts:
ArmfulOfRoses · 17/04/2016 18:46

Does he work?

Lifecanonlygetbetter · 17/04/2016 18:48

Surely it is not about him or you doing more, it is what works best for the children.

ArmfulOfRoses · 17/04/2016 18:48

Sorry, i see he does work.
Are the pick ups and drop offs making him late or meaning he has to leave work early?

SolsburyHell · 17/04/2016 18:55

It is really hard work getting yourself and multiple small children breakfasted, dressed and out of the house on time and then having to leave work bang on time (often making you unpopular with colleagues) to go and collect them. It adds a lot of stress to the day.

So you drive a bit more and put a load on...meh.

What difference would it make to your childrens day, in actual time, if you did pick up and drop off one time? Would they mind?

Original poster
twobambinos · 17/04/2016 18:56

Yes he does work.
No the drop offs aren't making him late. The collecting in the evening means he can't work overtime in the office which he doesn't get paid for if that's relevant it often means he has to schedule a meeting later in the evening. I have offered to do the collections but he thinks the kids are being collected too late as it is. 6pm they get collected. I wouldnt be there any earlier if I was collecting them as I finish at half 5 and I'm half an hour from the childminder.
He has also said that he would like to be able to go for a run after work sometimes too another reason he doesn't want to be doing them.

OP posts:
Original poster
twobambinos · 17/04/2016 19:00

Solsbury I have the lunches ready for dh and the dcs before I leave and we both help to get them dressed so they are ready to go before I leave so he doesn't have to do that part on his own.

He's not leaving work early he also finishes at half 5 but leaves at 5 minutes to 6 those three days. If I had to drop them they would have to be out of the house half an hour earlier than they are now and we would have to pay for before school care for the older dd.

As I have already said I have no problem collecting them but they won't be collected any earlier than they are now which is his main issue he says.

OP posts:
Gide · 17/04/2016 19:04

Then why don't you do a pick once a week so he can go for a run or have a meeting? It would make no difference to the time they arrive home/get picked up. Sod the working overtime if he doesn't get paid, but yes, YABU to not do it if he has to then go back to work later for a meeting.

Angelika321 · 17/04/2016 19:06

We have a similar set up. H drops them off 3 days a week and does the pick ups too. There's no other way for us to work it.

The days I'm home I do the school drop and have the youngest instead of nursery. It's just the way it is.

H has never said anything about. He does his best to pick them as soon as possible so they're spending too long at after school club or nursery.

Gizlotsmum · 17/04/2016 19:09

Can he drop off and you collect ?

SolsburyHell · 17/04/2016 19:10

In that case, I don't know what he wants. Neither of you is able to pick them up any earlier, if he doesn't want to accept your offer of doing a/the pick up(s) then it's his problem if he can't make it for a run. That's life with children.

Original poster
twobambinos · 17/04/2016 19:12

Gide he wouldn't go back to the office for a meeting it would be a call from home. But yes as I've said I don't have a problem picking them up but it won't be any earlier.
Angelica perhaps this is the way it has to be, I was off for 3 years and I think he just got used to not having to think about the rest of us when it came to his job but I'm back working now and I think it's nice that the kids have 2 week days where I mind them which is more than alot of children get. I would love a job closer to home to help out more but if it meant 3 commute days or 5 working days closer to home I don't think the kids would be any better off that way.

Thanks everyone will discuss a but further with dh.

OP posts:
KanyesVest · 17/04/2016 19:17

If he's complaining about the 6pm pick up being too late, why isn't he leaving work at 5.30, if he can? And what about the 2 days he doesn't pick up, what does he do those evenings/ what time does he leave work?

NapQueen · 17/04/2016 19:17

I think the current arrangement is totally fair. Presumably this still leaves him with two days a week to start work and finish at whatever time suits him?

The fact that the childcare is five minutes from his work lends itself to being suitable for him to do the dropping and collecting.

Dh and I drop/collect based on the kids being in childcare the least amount of time. I leave for work at 6.30am, him 7.30am and CMs is two min walk from our house. So he drops on those days. If Im on a Late (2pm) I drop them. If I am home for 4pm I collect them. If Im not home til 11pm dh collects them at 4.30-5.30pm depending on his shift.

Why does your dh think he ought to be able to releive himself of this duty?

1frenchfoodie · 17/04/2016 19:21

Current arrangement sounds very fair, he can go for a run 4 dyas a week (inc weekends) and schedule later meetings the 2 days you look after them. Any runner should have rest days in any case.

EverySongbirdSays · 17/04/2016 19:22

He wants to go for a run sometimes instead??? Hmm

Well I'm sure you would too. Unfortunately you agreed to have children and all the curtailing of spontaneIty that entails as he is jointly responsible for them.

YANBU

NapQueen · 17/04/2016 19:23

He could park at the CMs and to and from work.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2016 19:36

It's three days out of seven. HIBU.

WhitePhantom · 17/04/2016 19:36

All sounds fair to me.

Your suggestion sounds good but he's not happy with it, so what's his suggested alternative?

Original poster
twobambinos · 17/04/2016 19:41

He rarely finishes on time the other two days either. He does have a very demanding job I appeciate that he works alot of hours in a week but his reason for me collecting them makes no sense to me which is why I asked on here.

He doesn't run 4 days a week nowhere close to it. I think he might be just having a bad week.

It doesn't bother me to collect them why should it they are my children, even if he worked everyday late and I did it everyday but it would still be 6pm 3 days a week. It seems like he just wanted to pick a fight.

I have no doubt I am unreasonable too at times.

OP posts:
emilybrontescorset · 17/04/2016 19:43

The present arrangement seems fair.

Sorry but I had to sacrice lots of things when I had my dcs.

Exercising with friends was one of them.

ArmfulOfRoses · 17/04/2016 19:44

Yy kanye

Op i don't think you can win here, he either just wants to moan or expects some sort of fawning adoration for taking his own children to nursery and leaving them there 25 minutes longer than necessary whilst insisting that you collecting at the same time just isn't good enough.

TiredOfSleep · 17/04/2016 19:47

I think you could suggest you pick them up one of your three days, so this give him 3 days a week to work late/go for a run etc and 2 where he gets to hear about their day etc and he's back home at a reasonable time.

If you did all pick ups he'd never be home before bedtime!