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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should get rid of the cot!!

29 replies

greatscott81 · 14/04/2016 20:29

So my ex has DD (3) every weekend (against my wishes but we haven't gone to court yet so this is another story). Anyway, it's come to my attention that she is still sleeping in a cot at his house. I am aware she's still being fed from a highchair (the same we had when she was 6 months old) and she's come home wearing shoes which are 3 sizes too big). He claims not to know what to do but I've given him pointers and he doesn't listen. Apparently I am told I am a nagging, stirring b*tch. He simply won't listen. I am aware that shoes that are too big will damage her feet (so I have confiscated them) but could sleeping in a cot at 3 be developmentally damaging? I'm worried she doesn't have enough room. She has a proper single bed here.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 14/04/2016 20:32

Does he have room for a bed at his place?

Surely she went with her own shoes that fit her so I can't fathom out why he would take them off her and make her wear ones that don't fit her? Wierd....

Original poster
greatscott81 · 14/04/2016 20:38

Yes, there's a bunk bed in the same room but is adamant that she "apparently doesn't want to go in it". This seems crazy to me because she was super excited when I bought her a new bed. As for the shoes - I sent her in a pair of properly fitted Start Rite shoes and he complained that they didn't fit her properly so put his own on her.

OP posts:
TheHauntedFishtank · 14/04/2016 20:38

DS has just come out of his at 2.9 and that was only because he finally figured out how to climb out of it. I understand why you're worried but he's in age 4-5 clothes and had plenty of room.

reup · 14/04/2016 20:38

My 2 boys were in cots till 3. One climbed in and out safely and one never bothered. I couldn't see what the rush was if they slept well and had enough room. They were both 98 percentile for height. Why would you think it would damage their development?

Original poster
greatscott81 · 14/04/2016 20:41

The HauntedFishtank - thank you. DD is tall for her age and is has been worrying me that she's running out of space.

reup - more of a space issue that might constrain their growth I suppose (prob sounds stupid). I worry that she is now too big for the cot and can't spread out as she does at home. I also know that the cot is broken which isn't very good for her back but that's another story.

OP posts:
Original poster
greatscott81 · 14/04/2016 20:42

ps, thank you for responding. It's so hard when you have limited control/no control over your babies! x

OP posts:
Lazyafternoon · 14/04/2016 20:43

My DS is 2 1/2 and still in a cot. Not a cot-bed, a cot. No plans to move him for a good while- there's enough room in there for ages. I recon until he's climbing out and likely to injure himself in the process or he isn't sleeping well from bashing his feet/head I'll leave him in their. He's a good sleeper and don't see the point in changing it till I have to.

He also still sits in a high chair - same one from 6months old. He likes it, it's his seat at the table. We keep thinking about getting one of those booster things for a chair but haven't got round to it yet. Again he still fits in it, so why worry.

Ok the shoes is a bit odd. Probably she saw them in a shop so he bought them. TBH my DH wouldn't have a clue about buying shoes for DS. If I instructed him to take DS to Clarks, get measured and buy sensible shoes - he'd probably come back with wellies or school pumps or something!

I can see why your annoyed. He does things differently. He's your Ex and everything he does will probably annoy you, especially if you're not happy about DD going to him. But really he's not doing anything too bad. Remember he only gets to see her a fraction of the time you do so it takes longer for him to realise that she's growing up and starts to need the next step.

YANBU, but then he's not doing anything terrible either.

Homemadearmy · 14/04/2016 20:46

Does she complain that she has to sleep in the cot? I imagine if she wasn't happy she would tell him and you. My children liked their cots too and were gone 3 when they went into a bed and still asked for the cot back.

honeylulu · 14/04/2016 20:50

My son was in a cot until he was nearly 3.5 - there was also a single bed in his room and we waited until he chose it. He also occasionally went in a travel cot for even longer. I think he was nearly 5 on the last occasion. (Is that really bad?) He was quite diddy though. It hasnt done him any harm.
He was def still using his high chair at 3.5 too though it was more like a wooden chair with a lift up tray.
The shoes thing it's odd. Too small would be bad for her feet. Big ones less so although I'd be worried she'd be more likely to trip.
All in all it sounds like an ex problem rather than a cot problem. Does/did he like to let you know who's boss?

wheresthel1ght · 14/04/2016 20:56

Yes YABU my daughter is nearly 3 and still I a. Highchair and had she not managed to climb out of her cot at 15 months she would still be in her cot now.

The shoes is just a divvy bloke move. Dp has no idea on shoe sizes or how to fit them properly for any of his kids. But seriously none of what you describe is going to damage your child.

There is clearly far more than you are saying about your anxiety over her dad caring for her. This is clouding your judgement and making you see everything as bad. I suggest calming down and taking a big step back. As long as your child is happy then not much else matters

Micah · 14/04/2016 20:58

Why does he have her against your wishes? Do you think she's at risk with him, or is more you feel a loss of control?

If she's not at risk, you need to accept that he is her father and he has as much right to parent as you do. "giving him pointers"- how would you react if he started telling you how to look after your child?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/04/2016 21:08

These things are what tend to be known as different styles of parenting and each parent is perfectly able to choose their own style.

The shoe thing would piss me off because anybody is perfectly capable of asking someone in the shoe shop to measure feet.

But if you are ok to confiscate shoes he purchased then he can do it to you

EarthboundMisfit · 14/04/2016 21:09

My children have all used a cot until just before or just after 3. I really think it's safer. It depends how far past her third birthday she is.

The highchair seems a bit odd, as do the shoes...but none of them scream alarm bells at me.

Oldraver · 14/04/2016 21:16

Sleeping in a cot at three and using a highchair is not developmentally damaging. Keeping them in cots as late as possible is quite handy as they dont go wandering, until they learn to climb out. It used to be quite the norm but one of the things I've noticed between my 30 year old and 10 year old is how parents seem to want to move DC's on to beds quite a lot younger nowadays.

I think you need to back off...unless you have serious concerns over her welfare you need to just let him get on with it.

It's so hard when you have limited control/no control over your babies what do you mean by this ? you have your DC for 12 days out of 14...how can that be having no control

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 14/04/2016 21:17

My DS was 5! I just left the side down, he was perfectly happy.

squiggleirl · 14/04/2016 21:23

could sleeping in a cot at 3 be developmentally damaging?

No. It's a place to sleep. That's all. The feeling of not having loads of space around them can actually be quite reassuring for smallies. DD didn't move out of her cot until she was gone 4, and only then because we had a baby on the way. She's now 8, and certainly has no developmental issues.

I also would have no issue about the high chair.

The shoes though would be a different matter...

I do think you should pick your battles if you see yourself going to court one day.

scallopsrgreat · 14/04/2016 21:25

Micah, I'm thinking it's because her ex has their DD every weekend rather than not wanting him to have her at all.

Why do you not get a say when your DD goes to your ex? I'm thinking the cot and the shoes are a side issue here.

Salfordlass · 14/04/2016 21:33

Aw bless her, it sounds like she feels more secure in the cot - maybe she senses the upheaval and tension that's going on around her a bit. Does she seem happy to go to her dads?
Is shoes 3 sizes too big an exaggeration? Surely they'd fall off! I guess if they're just hanging around it doesn't matter too much for instance if they're crocs or something but she can't be running and playing in them?

Slarti · 14/04/2016 21:34

Well this thread has been an eye opener. I wouldn't have thought it so common for DCs to be in cots and high chairs at 3.

CubicZirconiaBossyBabe · 14/04/2016 21:35

DD2 was over 3 before she went from cot to normal single, DD1 was a similar age.
I never did the "toddler bed" think - to me they're just a gimmick! there's plenty of room for them in a cot (with side down if they're a climber) until they're ready for a regular single bed or bunk bed

Lots of people never do the inbetween toddler bed thing!

I hate high chairs (always stub my toes on them in the kitchen) so get rid of them very early… so long as the food is developmentally appropriate (i.e. no puree / babyfood ) and they're supervised and not leaning/climbing out.. I don't see any developmental damage - the DD is getting to try chairs at the OPs house. It might not be that usual to be in a highchair at 3 but..

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/04/2016 21:41

The every weekend would piss me off as well if the child attends nursery because when are they meant to obtain the relationshio they are entitled to have with the week day parents family or enjoy a decent holiday with them

GreatFuckability · 14/04/2016 21:49

all of my kids were 3 before they moved into beds. and the eldest slept in a toddler bed til she was about 7...they are fine

Slarti · 14/04/2016 21:57

when are they meant to obtain the relationshio they are entitled to have with the week day parents family

During the week? I mean, when are they meant to obtain the relationship they are entitled to have with the weekend parents family?

Needfinsnow · 14/04/2016 21:59

My dd was 3+ before she moved into a bed! Cots are actually fairly large comparatively ro a child and my dd liked the security of it. Only moved her when she was potty training so she could get out to go to the toilet herself.

Needfinsnow · 14/04/2016 22:01

Oh and high hair until 4 and still uses a booster seat at table x