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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about EXH organising babysitting...

46 replies

peppatax · 14/04/2016 08:39

I'll try to keep this brief - EXH and I have 50:50 custody of DD, usually goes pretty smoothly. Saturday night was originally his night but we switched a couple of months ago as he had a party but it suited me to have her Sunday morning so all good. I got an invite for special occasion dinner with friends on Saturday night at a restaurant about 2 mins walk from where I live with DP and DSD. DP was happy for me to accept the invite and would stay at home with both girls while they are in bed. Out of courtesy to DD's dad I let him know arrangements. He is not happy with DP 'babysitting' and would prefer to pay for a babysitter. I don't have an issue as if he feels it necessary it is his money he is wasting. My AIBU is that I've gone back to him and said he is to let me know who is coming and he says it's my responsibility to arrange it. I was satisfied with the arrangements so I think the onus is on him.

OP posts:
Savagebeauty · 14/04/2016 08:42

He is being ridiculous and controlling.

Jengnr · 14/04/2016 08:44

Sorry but I think this is really out of order and if I was your partner I'd be very annoyed. I'd be pissed off at the ex but I'd be furious with you for allowing it. And if O were you I'd be really cross at the ex and I wouldn't agree to it.

I

oleoleoleole · 14/04/2016 08:47

Ignore him.

Original poster
peppatax · 14/04/2016 09:17

DP can see where he's coming from to a degree but finds it amusing how far he goes... He has just said if EXH is organising a babysitter then he will make arrangements with friends and go out too! EXH is being controlling but I've used it as leverage in the past to spend more time with DD so I see it's more effective than saying no and arguing about it. Usually a 'fine if you want to do that, surely there will be issue if I do xyz' and he's okay. I just think he should arrange it!

OP posts:
EBearhug · 14/04/2016 09:21

So you live with DP and your DD therefore also lives with him half the time on account of you having 50:50 custody? But he's not suitable as a babysitter? I feel I am missing some of the logic here.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 14/04/2016 09:25

"Ok - I've found you the perfect babysitter. He knows Dd really well and they get on well. I've known him for years and trust him. His name is Fred*. He is happy to babysit for free but if you want to pay him that is fine too. Happy for you to arrange someone different if you are not happy with my choice."

  • Change if your partner's name is not Fred.
inlovewithhubby · 14/04/2016 09:44

Assuming you live with dp, and have a child with him by the sounds of it, this is mental. Stop giving in to bullying behaviour and feeling like you have to account for independent parenting decisions made on your watch. You don't, and you are asking for and facilitating awkward behaviour by over involving your ex in everyday life. It's admirable that you both cooperate but in my view you go too far.

If the facts are as above, Dp isn't babysitting, he's step-parenting (at the same time as parenting your other child). No permission required so don't seek it. Cut the umbilical.

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 14/04/2016 09:59

If its your sat night to have the child why are you even talking to him about where you are going or where the child will be? It's not any of his business.

inlovewithhubby · 14/04/2016 10:04

Even if it's not 'her' night, it becomes that once things are rearranged to that effect. Still doesn't mean she has to allow such ridiculous micro management.

Original poster
peppatax · 14/04/2016 10:04

Sorry if I wasn't clear - DP is home with his DD already. This is my first time going out while DD is with me so I thought the right thing to do was check. I won't next time!!

OP posts:
SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 14/04/2016 10:07

You should laugh in his face. He's ridiculous, and you're mad to have entertained him, you only encouraged his nonsense by agreeing for him to arrange a babysitter to come to your house while you go out!

HackerFucker22 · 14/04/2016 10:12

So you live with your DP and his daughter (and your daughter 50% of the time)

and your Ex wont let your DP watch your DD?

How is he about the fact your DP lives with his DD for half the week?

ClopySow · 14/04/2016 10:15

Don't tell him anything ever again ever ever ever.

hejsvejs · 14/04/2016 10:17

How long have you been with your DP? Do you live together and does he know your DD well?

I think your exDH is being an arse.

Goingtobeawesome · 14/04/2016 10:18

Don't give in to him at all.

Ignore any more talk other than to say, are you seriously saying you want to leave our daughter with a complete stranger which may worry and scare her rather than someone she knows and trusts? Are you really that pissed off with me that you'd rather score points against me at the expense of your little child? Then listen to his shitty response.

WellErrr · 14/04/2016 10:19

You don't need to ask you ex.

It's your night, make your arrangements. As he would on his night.

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 14/04/2016 10:20

How long have you been with your DP? Do you live together and does he know your DD well?

How is he about the fact your DP lives with his DD for half the week?

None of that matters, its none of his business. When she has her child, she decides who is there and what they do. When he has the child, he does.

Obliviated · 14/04/2016 10:21

My ex is like this. I've lived with my Dp for almost a year now but ex hits the roof if he gets any indication of dp watching the Dc. If he sees me in the supermarket without them, or if he hears I've been out somewhere. He reckons it's disrespectful to him because he's their father and should have a say in who looks after them. It's ridiculous. He doesn't want 'him' doing anything for the Dc - including making them a drink or anything remotely parent like.

When we were together, I already had older children. He uses his behaviour towards them as a bench mark. He used to ignore them, would bring home sweets for just his children, never invited them on days out - I was expected to get a baby sitter. Even now, if I have parents evening for the older boys he starts, saying I'm 'fucking his kids off to do something for them brats'. He thinks this is normal and it's how dp should behave too. He doesnt understand why a man would want to be around 'evidence that his Mrs likes cock'. Nice guy Confused

Dp is brilliant with the Dc, always has been. Treats them with respect and takes a full part in being in a family. He's a decent guy, ex isn't.

I have an appointment with one of the Dc this afternoon, dp is home so I was just going to leave the others with him as I normally would but now ex wants to come to the appointment too, which means I have to bring the other Dc too so he doesn't kick off about them being left with dp.

Nightmare.

Original poster
peppatax · 14/04/2016 10:24

I have lived with DP for 6 months and he does the same things for my DD that he does for his DD, we've been on holiday all together for 10 days and it went really really well in terms of being 24/7 rather than 50%. EXH just makes life difficult, if I don't agree then he causes other problems and DD suffers.

OP posts:
Original poster
peppatax · 14/04/2016 10:25

I've had no response to my message to him of 'that's fine - who do you suggest?' Grin

OP posts:
MyLocal · 14/04/2016 10:33

He is being a dick. I would just tell him he is being a dick, your DP is home with his DD so does he really expect a babysitter to want to sit in and babysit for your DD whilst DP is also there babysitting his DD? and that you should arrange it and explain to the babysitter that they are sharing the house with another babysitter of a different child.

Your Ex is pathetic and irrational.

inlovewithhubby · 14/04/2016 10:34

Stop looking for replies! Just get on with your life and tell him it's sorted if he asks. And then stop bloody over involving him.

Obliviated - I am a little shocked that you allowed a partner to disrespect both you and your existing children in such a way. If he wasn't actually abusive then why would you ever tolerate that attitude towards a child?

Obliviated · 14/04/2016 10:37

He was abusive, to the point that it took courts and the police to get rid of him.

AugustaFinkNottle · 14/04/2016 10:37

Yes, it's your responsibility to arrange a babysitter. You did. If ex doesn't like your arrangement, it's up to him to come up with something better, or else shut up.

LovelyFriend · 14/04/2016 10:38

stop involving your XP in things that are nothing to do with him.
Arms length at all times.

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