Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU about EXH organising babysitting...

46 replies

peppatax · 14/04/2016 08:39

I'll try to keep this brief - EXH and I have 50:50 custody of DD, usually goes pretty smoothly. Saturday night was originally his night but we switched a couple of months ago as he had a party but it suited me to have her Sunday morning so all good. I got an invite for special occasion dinner with friends on Saturday night at a restaurant about 2 mins walk from where I live with DP and DSD. DP was happy for me to accept the invite and would stay at home with both girls while they are in bed. Out of courtesy to DD's dad I let him know arrangements. He is not happy with DP 'babysitting' and would prefer to pay for a babysitter. I don't have an issue as if he feels it necessary it is his money he is wasting. My AIBU is that I've gone back to him and said he is to let me know who is coming and he says it's my responsibility to arrange it. I was satisfied with the arrangements so I think the onus is on him.

OP posts:

angielou123 · 14/04/2016 10:41

It sounds like it's just something to moan about. Tell him to sod off.

Goingtobeawesome · 14/04/2016 10:42

Obliviated - you DON'T have to take the kids to the appointment. Stop giving in to your bullying ex. Day one of you standing up to him.

Pinkheart5915 · 14/04/2016 10:43

Won't it be a bit odd for the babysitter being in the house when your dp is already there

I'd say if he wants the babysitter he can arrange one as your dp lives with your dd 50% of the time anyway so what's his problem

summerdreams · 14/04/2016 10:44

This seems absolutely mental to me.

LitteRedSparke · 14/04/2016 10:48

Micro control back at him - start asking where DD is at all times and who is looking after her

(no experience of this in RL, it might make things worse, its just the child in me saying this)

whois · 14/04/2016 10:50

Ex can fuck off. He doesn't get to have any say over who babysits unless there are genuine child protection concerns.

inlovewithhubby · 14/04/2016 10:51

Obliviated - so sorry to hear this. But not surprised as he sounds bloody hideous. Hope you can start standing up to him, seek help and support if you need to.

StepCatsmother · 14/04/2016 11:43

I'm baffled as to how/why this came up in conversation with your ex in the first place. You knew he was busy already so it's not like you were offering him first refusal.

I'm in similar circumstances. I've known DP's children for about 18 months, lived with him for about 8 months. We have them just under 50:50. If he was going out for a few hours on a night we have them and I'd agreed to stay in with them, I'd find it really odd for him to call his ex to 'check this was ok'.

I'd be even more baffled if something else was then arranged because she didn't like it.

I understand that parents want to know who is looking after their children but unless there are genuine reasons to be concerned about someone's ability to make an appropriate choice of babysitter, both parents have the ability to make this decision without reference to the other.

Duckdeamon · 14/04/2016 11:47

You've been very unreasonable in: 1 - informing your ex of your plans to go out; and 2 - enabling and even agreeing to his interference in your childcare arrangements for your DC while she is in your care. That's solely for you to take decisions on.

DisneyMillie · 14/04/2016 12:04

Wouldn't even occur to me to tell exh if I was going out and leaving dd with DP. I'd have thought it was normal given you all live together - just as I don't expect to be told when his DP / mum etc sits (or frankly if an unrelated babysitter does - his watch his rules provides she's safe).

I would be telling him to stop being ridiculous

Original poster

peppatax · 14/04/2016 12:11

Thank you, all very useful replies and I will take on board for future as in not even mentioning it.

You're all completely right and I need to resolve the plan for Saturday. I will compose a carefully worded email to say that a babysitter is not happening. I guess I am still trying to play it safe as the divorce is not finalised and I am worried he'll backtrack on what has been agreed. Sooner it's done the better!!

OP posts:

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 14/04/2016 12:12

When we were together, I already had older children. He uses his behaviour towards them as a bench mark. He used to ignore them, would bring home sweets for just his children, never invited them on days out - I was expected to get a baby sitter. Even now, if I have parents evening for the older boys he starts, saying I'm 'fucking his kids off to do something for them brats'. He thinks this is normal and it's how dp should behave too. He doesnt understand why a man would want to be around 'evidence that his Mrs likes cock'. Nice guy

But you went ahead and had children with someone who was awful to your existing children. You picked him. Bit much complaining he';s an utter dickhead now, you knew that right at the start.

CheshireChat · 14/04/2016 12:41

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 that's victim blaming at it's finest, I don't think Obliviated thinks it was her best choice in life, but if police were necessary I think it's a bit hard to judge someone based on 1-2 posts! Abusers aren't abusive 100% of the time you know.

LovelyFriend · 14/04/2016 14:08

rather than a carefully worded email why not just say "I've sorted a babysitter thanks" and never talk to him about these matters again?

DarthPrincess · 14/04/2016 14:43

I share ds' time with my exh 50/50.

He only has two days off so he sorts childcare the rest of the tine ( family usually) it's never crossed my mind to ask who is babysitting, just like it's never crossed my mind to text him and tell him if I have a night out so gave left ds with dp or my family.
His time is his and my time is my time we don't discus arrangements for our own contact with our own son.

Tell ex you've made plans and that's the way it's staying

Inertia · 14/04/2016 16:02

Don't engage with his controlling wankbadgery. You are the parent, you changed your plans for Ex's convenience, you have a perfectly suitable babysitting arrangement in place. If Ex is that bothered he can cancel his plans.

WannaBe · 14/04/2016 16:16

I don't understand why you even mentioned to him that you were going out tbh. why on earth are you allowing him to have this kind of hold over you?

Just don't bother to engage with him about this again, tell him it's sorted. And if he asks just repeat "it's sorted."

All that being said, I've seen threads on here from the other side from women who aren't happy that their child has been left with their ex's partner/wife and the consensus has been "it's supposed to be his contact time for him to spend time with the children, she shouldn't be looking after them." so I do think that on the whole there needs to be a consistent view on this.

Me and my eXH have 50/50, but on the whole he does spend more time with me, but he's thirteen and essentially old enough to make his own decisions now. But there have been times when I went on a training course for instance and DP was here, and was happy to stay home with DS, DS was given the choice of whether to go to his dad's or stay here with DP and he opted to stay here and had a load of his mates round. Conversely if eXH were to go out while DS is with him it's not for me to question who he's left him with and why.

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 14/04/2016 18:45

that's victim blaming at it's finest

How is it? You meet a man who is a complete dick to your children, then you move in with him and have children with him. The "victims" at that point are the children. If he then turned out to be violent that is even worse, but you can't pick a guy who is a dickhead from the start and then complain about his dickishness.

MistressMerryWeather · 14/04/2016 22:00

Do you honestly believe life is that black and white, Smarter?

You sound very naive.

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 15/04/2016 12:01

Ha, thats funny. Naive is dating a guy who is an arse to your kids and then expecting him to be any different when you have his kids. Naive is acting like you had no hand in choosing him in the first place and none of it is on you.

Beefles · 15/04/2016 12:20

If he is paying for a babysitter, take the money and pay your DP. He has no right to tell you no when it's your responsibility. Dp wouldn't be with you if you didn't trust him with your daughter. He is her stepdad now and she has a step sister. Your ex needs to accept that it's your choice, not his and his controlling and childish behaviour suggests he has not accepted the new situation. He needs to accept it. It's not your responsibility to make sure he grows up. If this was the other way round he would be telling you to back off no doubt.

Flip

1 2